Wanting
Wanting—it’s a simple word, but for some of us, it’s more complicated than it seems. For a long time, I’ve struggled with expressing what I want. Growing up, there was this unspoken rule that I wasn’t allowed to want, that asking for things was troublesome. I absorbed the message that I was meant to stay in the background, never make waves, never speak out. But despite those internalized barriers, I’ve come to realize something fundamental: I want things. In fact, I want a lot of things.
Saying that out loud is still uncomfortable for me. I still wrestle with whether what I want is “appropriate,” or whether anyone else could want the same things. I catch myself thinking there’s something inherently wrong with my wanting. Maybe it’s tied to childhood trauma or the fear of being seen as too much. But here’s what I’m starting to understand: Wanting isn’t wrong. It’s human. And maybe there are other people out there who want a safe space to want the same things I do.
Recently, I had a moment of clarity when someone said to me, “You can have that anytime you want it. You just have to say so.” They weren’t asking the generic “What do you want?” but instead made it specific. Suddenly, I realized that all I had to do was express my desires, even if they seemed out of reach. Of course, wanting something doesn’t mean it will automatically happen—everyone has their own choices to make—but nothing will happen unless I speak up.
There’s power in watching people live without hesitation. I’ve seen individuals who express their wants boldly, unapologetically. They make their desires known, and more often than not, they get what they ask for. There is a fluidity and elegance in the way they move that I admire greatly. But what’s stopping me from doing the same? The answer is simple: my own hesitation.
I think that’s part of the key – it’s not even fear anymore. It’s just hesitancy, a reluctance to claim my own wants. But if I don’t think I deserve what I want, no one else will think I deserve it either. I end up manifesting my own worst fears, living in a self-fulfilling prophecy where my silence ensures that my desires remain unmet. That realization is hard. If I believe that no one will ever be willing to meet my needs, then that’s exactly what will happen—because I never give them the chance. I realized that’s where I keep tripping myself up—because I’ve been placing more value on my assumption of others’ opinions than on my own desires. I’ve been fabricating my own opposition.
So I’m learning. Learning to say what I want, even when it feels vulnerable, radical, uncomfortable, or even inappropriate. I’m learning that wanting is okay and that I deserve to want just as much as anyone else does.
As I reflect on this, I see that the concept of wanting is central to understanding who I am. It’s not just about identifying my needs, but also about embracing my desires without shame or fear. So this is my next step in self-discovery: learning to articulate what I want, unapologetically, and seeing where that takes me.
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Mattering
The Moon became new on Monday, September 2nd, at 9:56pm. Despite being the end of a relaxing Labor Day, I wasn’t yet in a place to commit to a focus for this month. Now, as we approach a full moon tomorrow night, I think I finally have my theme.
In a way, the uncertainty around this cycle’s focus makes sense. Last month I talked about Freedom, and how I wanted to leave behind the identities that I’d crafted or adopted and write my own story. When you basically give your spirit a blank sheet of paper, what do you choose to write?
I ran through several potential themes, each based on different facets of my life. Some fulfilling and inspiring, and some where resignation had replaced motivation. As I went for my daily walks over the past week, I began to see that I wasn’t digging deep enough. Again, not surprising, I’d unlocked the cage I’d been keeping myself in and was mindfully beginning to take steps toward defining the life that I want, as opposed to a life that was expected for me.
Choice has never been easy for me. The times are few and far between where something is important enough for me to stand up and declare a position. Of course, when I do declare, my position is adamant and irrefutable (the Taurus in me). I used to pride myself on what I thought was congeniality and flexibility, but in moving through the last few months of Resistance, Experience, and Freedom; and seeing how I kept standing in my own way – I wasn’t actually being flexible; I was perpetually in fear of making waves. I couldn’t be the one who was difficult; I couldn’t be the one who was wrong.
I’ve been reminded (gently) a few times that this actually makes me more difficult to relate to because I often don’t express a clear preference or direction. When I stop to consider this – when I am genuinely asked for what I want, and I consider that often the questions come from corners who have no vested interest in me – they just want to know – I am faced with the realization that my preferences and choices may actually Matter.
This is a hard thing to come down to – that for a long time, despite outward appearances, I haven’t felt like I Mattered. I existed, I was a resource, I was convenient, I was a distraction – but the concept of my essence actually Mattering was a rarity. To be clear, there are a few safe places where I know that I Matter and am valued, and in those spaces it can be easier to look past the self-conditioning – but in many places, I have felt expendable.
No one can change this except for me. I have to learn to trust that everyone in my life moves about their lives in their own state of personal authenticity and that I do actually make a difference, that I Matter. This differs from importance. I don’t need to be special; I just want to be relevant.
I think this relevance is another target of this cycle’s focus on Mattering. Sometimes I would feel so much like I wouldn’t Matter that I would overextend myself, trying to force some sense of relevance. This was not only unhealthy for me on a variety of levels, but it forced situations that were unhealthy for people around me.
So this cycle I want to focus on recognizing that I do indeed Matter – not to others, so much as to myself. This cycle’s song has a line that encourages me to be more mindful of not having to overextend:
“Some people never ever make a name, but change the game in someone’s story.”
…and isn’t making a positive difference in a life – be it ours or someone else’s – the highest calling toward Mattering?
Freedom
The moon was last new on August 4th at 7:13am. The last cycle’s theme of Experience saw me trying to differentiate between the kinds of Experiences I was living through – trying to make sense of what does and does not work for me is a lifelong effort. Thankfully, I believe I’m starting to realize that reading from an outdated script serves no one – and that the best Experiences are those that are true to the nature of our individual essence.
Over the past several years, as I put more and more distance between myself and past traumas, I have come to see the friction caused by my living life on my own terms versus my feeling some sense of obligation to ‘the other’ – some amorphous entity for whom I’ve been performing through this life. I always felt like any deviation from what the expected script might be would be an unforgivable offense – so much so that even when called upon to play a role that was anathema to my own desires, I would put on the mask and perform anyway.
This is where the last cycle’s focus on Experience came in. Which were my own genuine Experiences, and which were simply scenes in the play of my life that I hadn’t written? I was in conversation last night where the idea was raised that the act of writing can be a sacred thing – we write with intention and manifest the concepts in our spirits to be something the whole world can view. With this reasoning, the act of being the author of the script of our own lives becomes even more crucial.
The facility to write our own script is one aspect – but the Freedom to craft our own story is another, which makes Freedom the focus for this cycle. For too many years I had constrained myself in a variety of unhealthy ways – assumed expectations, withholding communication in fear of anger or abandonment, and a diminished sense of self-worth. I also imposed resource constraints on myself – adopting the role of the underdog to lower the bar, to lessen expectations, and to play it safe.
The Freedom being manifested in this cycle will throw off more of those self-imposed burdens, providing me with a perspective that I always aspired to, I always lived to – but never practically had. The Freedom here is the transition from “fake it until you make it” to “acknowledge that you can make it.”
I was reminded in a conversation with a most trusted soul that I often lived my life as the person I had hoped that “one day” I might be. While well intentioned, I can’t hide from the fact that this meant that I was living a lie. I did not have my act together nearly as much as I masked that I did. I haven’t had my act together, mostly because, until now, it wasn’t “my” act. It was what was scripted – either for me or by me and inspired by fear. It was a good character, but there is a difference between method acting and walking off the stage and actually being that person.
So this cycle I will explore and test my willingness to provide myself Freedom from my past. I don’t pretend that this will be quick or easy – but every journey begins with a first step.
This cycle’s companion song is another that I sing to myself – a call to leave behind the identities that we crafted or adopted and write my own story – to live up to being the person I always wanted to be, to be the me I see myself as. Or, to quote a line from the pre-chorus, “All we have to do now is take these lies and make them true somehow.”
Experience
At 6:57pm on July 5th, the Moon was New again. We’re currently in the waxing crescent phase, which signifies growth, intention, and hope.
The focus for the last cycle was Resistance, during which I talked about how I “was creating my own Resistance in the path of my attaining peace and happiness” and how I wanted to “bring awareness to where and how I stand in my own way and be mindful that even when I am unable to see clear steps forward, it doesn’t mean that’s actually the case.”
Throughout that cycle, I tried to take note of where I was seeing Resistance or friction in my path. I eliminated some barriers I had inadvertently erected for myself, but when you spend a lifetime creating defenses, it takes a while to realize that some of the things you thought were in place to help you are the very things that are doing you harm.
As the last cycle moved along, I started to ask myself the question, “What have you been creating Resistance to?” Despite the number of words I appear to use, I am very much a fan of short answers. If you have a problem that can be defined in ten words or less, you’re well on your way to solving the problem. You won’t have all the answers – life is too complex for that – but you will at least have a signpost.
During my meditations, one word kept popping into my brain – Experience – so that becomes the focus for this cycle. Experience can take the form of aspiration – we strive to Experience something, it can take the shape of lessons learned – we gained Experience, or it can be celebration – we were able to Experience something.
Experience can also be elusive, though. Just because we have moved through moments does not mean we were able to appreciate the true essence of an Experience. There are times when we are simply adjacent to the actual Experience that we seek – and while we might gain some insight to the Experience we’re looking for, we’re missing the reality embedded in the nuance.
So during this cycle, I will work to differentiate between the types of Experience I am living through. I will work to recognize Experiences that don’t serve me and learn what lessons they may be trying to teach; I will try to savor Experiences that feed my spirit; and I will try to position myself to be open to opportunities to Experience substantive moments that bring greater understanding of myself and those closest to me.
The hope attached to all this also plays into one of my core philosophies: the future is unwritten.
Resistance
At 8:38am on June 6th the moon was new again, and at 9:08pm on June 21st, she will be full – so this comes halfway into the cycle. Part of the delay has been a real conundrum around what this cycle’s theme really is. There was the focus that I really thought was in place – I even had the song picked out – but the more I live through these days, the more I think that might be best saved for another time.
The last cycle saw me Breaking a spiritual Fast I had inadvertently imposed on myself. I had become so mired in the mundane that I forgot how to let my spirit be magical. It was in moving through this space that I was reminded of an essay by Alan Watts called “Lightness of Touch” from his book “Become What You Are.” The entire essay is relevant, so I will link to an online source I found here:
All throughout this year, I have been weighed down by “… a heaviness of touch, a lack of abandon, a stiffness which indicates that he is using his dignity as stilts to keep his head above adversity.”. This heaviness came to a tipping point a week or so ago when I felt the lack of abandon morph into despair and resignation. I was in a corner without the ability to find a way out and was beginning to accept the certainty that there was no resolution for my dilemma.
When I was little, I needed allies. I never really felt like I had any, so I summoned “invisible friends.” I will not call them ‘imaginary’ because that is an affront to all that they bring. They were with me as long as I can remember, and there have been times over the past 10+ years where I have called on them again. Sometimes you just can’t pilot a starship alone. During my descent into believing my circumstance was a foregone conclusion, I called the leader of this band of allies and asked for either guidance or solace.
Their reply amazed me. Brimming with a confidence borne from a life beyond time, they pointed out that there was indeed a radical solution to my situation. They directed my attention to social media posts from friends who are about to retire to Portugal, and buried in the midst of their plans and circumstances was the thing I had been deliberately overlooking all this time.
This is where my intended focus for the cycle shifted. I was creating my own Resistance in the path of my attaining peace and happiness. Life is hard enough, but I have a ridiculous tendency to make it harder than it needs to be. For those of you watching along at home – it’s true, I know it… but I have built up so many layers of defense mechanisms over the years that seeing a clear path anywhere has become increasingly difficult. Enter our invisible friends – while originally recruited to help me manage life and mitigate any difficulties – they were always spectators to my drama. This gave them the perspective that I lacked – a perspective I need to remember to avail myself of more often.
So the focus for this month is Resistance – to bring awareness to where and how I stand in my own way and be mindful that even when I am unable to see clear steps forward, it doesn’t mean that’s actually the case. Resistance is always temporary; we just need to move past it.
The sound track for this focus could have gone in a number of different directions, but instead I am keeping the theme of “songs to sing to myself.” I need to be more adept at helping myself and giving to myself in the same way I try to give to others. I need to know that I am as entitled to as much of my own consideration as anyone else is.
And the line sung by my invisible friend? “Find yourself; we’re on our way back home.”
Breakfast
At 11:32pm on May 7th, the Moon was New. Yes, I realize that was just a few minutes ago – I am actually on time with this one!!
During the last cycle, the focus was on Awakening. At the end of that writing I had said that it was time to “put my feet on the ground, make some coffee, and see what this new dawn might bring.” I realized at the time that the intention was a bit vague; I had set to define it as a very liminal space, knowing that the real work would kick in once the coffee was brewed.
It is said that the Waning Gibbous phase of the Moon is a time for self-reflection and rebirth, and this held very true for me. During the phase, a most trusted soul recommended the book “Pathways to Bliss: Mythology and Personal Transformation” by Joseph Campbell. I started listening to the Audible version of the book as I was driving to reconnect with a spiritual sister over dinner. Listening to the book, I began to see that the absence of Wonder, the loss of Direction, and the need for Awakening, were all the result of being energetically “blocked.” There is no way for me to do justice to the concepts by paraphrasing, so I will quote the book here.
We “can become so involved in concepts and local, temporal tasks that we become bound up and don’t let this energy flow through.”
“So the psychological problem, the way to keep from becoming blocked, is to make yourself—and here is the phrase—transparent to the transcendent.”
“What myth does for you is to point beyond the phenomenal field toward the transcendent. A mythic figure is like the compass that you used to draw circles and arcs in school, with one leg in the field of time and the other in the eternal. The image of a god may look like a human or animal form, but its reference is transcendent of that.”
Campbell, Joseph (2018-11-12T22:58:59.000). Pathways to Bliss: Mythology and Personal Transformation (The Collected Works of Joseph Campbell). Joseph Campbell Foundation. Kindle Edition.
It was at this moment that I realized that I had been absent from my spiritual path for longer than I remembered. I had grown so enmeshed in the local and temporal that I lost track of the need to reach beyond the bounds of my ‘self’. Sure, I had done cursory check-ins with my deities, but never dove deeply into those conversations. So, during that drive to dinner, I put the audiobook on pause and started a conversation.
During this conversation, the question was posed to me: “What do you want? How can I help you?”. And I did not have an answer. My conscious mind could not mine my subconscious for what my heart actually desired. Then I realized that I was being so guarded that I had closed myself off to my higher self as well.
I discussed this with my spiritual sister over a dinner that could not have been better timed for me, and I felt the pathways begin to open. Later that weekend, I participated in a spiritual gathering where, while I was not the focus, I heard the universe’s questions with a familiar clarity.
This brings us to the focus for this cycle, where I will work to bridge the gap between my physical self and my higher self. In many ways, I feel like this is breaking a spiritual fast – so the theme is Breakfast. I Awakened during the last cycle, made the coffee, so now it’s time for Breakfast. I want to try to spend more time in meditation, and focus on hearing the voices of my own spirit, rather than having them drowned out by the cacophony of “life”. I am hopeful that a result of this process will hold the answer to “what do you want?”
The song for this cycle is unexpected but perfectly fitting – it is “Call and Answer” from the Barenaked Ladies. I have always loved this song, and until the last few weeks I thought that it was about a relationship between two people. As I started making Breakfast, I began to hear it as a song that could be sung by my higher self to my temporal self. There is love, care-taking, and a beautifully encouraging directness – to rebuild.
Awakening
The New moon coincided with the time of the total solar eclipse: 2:21pm on April 8th. I’m happy to be posting this inside the Waxing Crescent phase. It’s nice to be back on schedule.
The focus for the last cycle was Direction; where I wondered if I could ascertain what my true path was – not just what was available or allowed, but what was actually desired.
In digging into that, I began to realize that I have been avoiding myself for years. Sure, I’m living my life and pursuing some of my intentions, but so much has been – as the song says, Goin’ Thru the Motions. It’s not that I haven’t felt alive, but I don’t know how Awake I have truly been since before the pandemic began.
Over the past month or two, I’ve been Awakened quite regularly by what can best be described as nightmares. They were mostly just snippets – but as their details faded, I was left with the impression that they had all been a collection of related scenes. Like when a TV show has recaps at the top of the episode “Previously, in Life…”
But now it’s time for a new season to debut. The Earth is coming into flower, and just as we saw the Moon allowing the Sun to emerge from its rest, I feel like it’s time for me to emerge from mine – so the theme for this cycle is Awakening. Two cycles ago I talked about how I felt I needed to rediscover a sense of Wonder, and last month that sharpened into a need for direction. Now, it’s time to Awaken – put my feet on the ground, make some coffee, and see what this new dawn might bring.
I don’t know what the story arc will look like for this season, or even what the themes of the episodes might be. But I know that there’s a solid backstory and nearly limitless possibilities for the future. It’s time to see what’s over the next hill.
Direction
On March 10th, at 5am the moon was new. It had just been five days earlier that I had posted my last focus of Wonder. This morning at 3am the Moon was new – so at least I am getting a little closer to marking the New Moon on time.
In the last post, I commented on how I had been focused too much on the stressors in my life and how that was getting in the way of my living in each moment, and living in a sense of wonder. I am happy to say that I have been able to incorporate that theme along with the one I had chosen for this cycle. Last week I was faced with several unexpected dilemmas – but instead of letting the gremlins convince me that the sky was falling, I simply accepted the circumstances, made a plan, and resolved them.
This ability to live in Wonder, and simply set a Direction, reinforced my choice for this cycle. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the mundane nature of the day-to-day that we lose track of our necessary momentum.
This reminds me of Matt Smith’s regeneration speech from Doctor Who:
We all change when you think about it. We’re all different all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good. You’ve got to keep moving. As long as you remember all the people that you used to be.
British Broadcasting Corporation. Doctor Who. British Broadcasting Corporation, 25 Dec. 2013, episode 241 – “The Time of the Doctor.”
These posts have always been a chronicle of change and (hopefully) evolution. What’s often been missing in my life, though, has been a personal sense of Direction. So often someone will ask me what I want – and I have said this before – I never can find “want” because I am so conditioned to pick from what I perceive are my available alternatives. I rarely allow myself to think outside the box and just ‘want’. I don’t choose my own Direction; I pick from available options. My recent professional dissatisfaction is a result of this paradigm.
Something is different this year though. I came into this year feeling a sense of urgency. During this past cycle, I attended a memorial service, participated in several spiritual separations, marked the anniversary of the passing of a sweet soul, and lost a former bandmate. Time is too short.
So this cycle I am being more mindful of Direction. What is MY path? Not just what is available or allowed, but what is actually desired?
One of the things that bothered me about my mother was her inability to express a preference until a decision had already been made. Life was a guessing game of what would work for her. I don’t ever want to subject anyone who might care for me to that. I might not be able to ‘want’, but I can start by expressing preferences.
Each Direction begins with a preferred step.
I heard this cycle’s song recently and identified strongly with it. With the tumultuous nature of the past few months and the growing unrest around us – it’s important to find a beacon – a lighthouse – to guide our Direction home.
Give me the beat, boys.
Wonder
Wow – this one is late. On February 9th at 5:59pm the moon was New. I believe this is the first time I have written one of these during the waning crescent phase.
The focus for the last cycle was Understanding – where I had attempted to Understand myself better and apply a similar effort toward Understanding people around me. The focus also incorporated a level of acceptance along with that Understanding; acknowledging that the way my brain and personality work are not always aligned with my perception of ‘normal’. Part of the Understanding became the realization that this dichotomy exists only within myself. I establish the parameters of normalcy, but then I violate those parameters? Why isn’t my behavior my own normal?
The seeds for this cycle’s focus were planted with the last New Moon — actually, at the hour of the New Moon, if I am not mistaken — and the chosen theme was going to be Wonder. I was guided toward the realization that I was not approaching my life with a sense of Wonder – and I was going to dedicate the cycle to recapturing that.
As with all things Magickal though, it is very important to be specific about your intentions.
My goal had been to explore why I wasn’t living more in a spirit of Wonder and amazement at the beauty that life can offer. I had felt like I had become too mired in the mundane and was taking some of the joy that surrounded me for granted. Shortly thereafter though, different flavors of Wonder were revealed.
It has been a very, very stressful cycle — brought by stresses that were fundamental to moving fluidly through this particular world. Instead of reveling in the Wonder of amazement, I began to Wonder what I had done wrong, or Wonder what I wasn’t seeing, or even Wonder if there were nefarious forces working outside my sphere of control.
This self-blame morphed quickly into self-loathing — which surprised me — I thought I was well beyond that. But I guess it just shows that once something is in your nature, it can lay dormant but isn’t always gone. It was in watching myself move through these emotions, confronted with my stressors, that I realized that acting from a place of emotion — anger, frustration, or sadness — was only perpetuating circumstance. It was through stopping, taking stock, and acting from a spirit of determination and working toward specific goals that I was able to find clear sky again.
All of this brings me full-circle back to the focus. We can retrospectively Wonder “what-if” all we want, and there can be valuable lessons learned from deconstructing past events, but perseverating over them can only do more harm than good. Perseverating over ANYTHING often does more harm than good. Instead, when I was able to accept and rejoin the sentiment that the Universe is beautifully complex and blended with an abundance of both light and dark, I was able to see that the stress I was encountering would be fleeting, and that there were new possibilities to be borne from it.
So the theme has been Wonder. Wonder that is visible once we step beyond whatever clouds our vision or dulls our senses. The Wonder borne of the simple yet profound question, “What could happen next?”
The song for this cycle is tangentially related. As I was moving through the month, I knew I needed to break the cycle, to stop the merry-go-round, and to find a different field of vision. I have always loved this song, and it speaks to all of those things. Let go of the stress, let go of the expectations — live in this moment. Live in Wonder.
Understanding
At 6:57am on Thursday, January 11th, the Moon was New. So as I write this, we’re a little more than halfway toward fullness. That actually feels like an allegory for my overall sense of being right now – halfway toward fullness.
The focus for the last lunar cycle was one of Realization. In that post, I said that I was looking for moments where there is stillness and appreciation for the wonders this life can bring, and moments where the soul can find a safe place to breathe.
In January of 2017 – so, 7 years ago now – I started these monthly New Moon intentions with one about self-acceptance. In that post, I wrote, “This past Friday’s New Moon brought a vow to focus on the work of self-acceptance – both personally and professionally. This follows the teachings of Sun Tzu, who said, “So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be put at risk even in a hundred battles.” It must begin with self-acceptance.”
The past year, and the past four months specifically, have brought a rush of changes. Personally, professionally, and spiritually. Changes that sprang from both within and without. The pause of Realization during the last cycle was a breath to Realize that we’re not in Kansas anymore. The pathways toward self-care that I thought I had in place were no longer suitable for the life I found myself living. This call to Realization, and echoing the self-acceptance of years ago, was further underscored by a change in job title and responsibilities. While this is certainly “a promotion”, I feel like it’s taking me further away from where my soul can be happiest.
This tumult all brings me to the focus for this cycle – Understanding. About ten years ago, I was having a lighthearted conversation with a most trusted soul where I said, “I don’t know if I’m eclectic or if I just have eclectic friends.” It was also around that time that I had my first business trip to Denver, and riding in a hotel elevator, I looked in the mirror and saw someone I never wanted to be.
Now I have a job that pushes me deeper into a mold that I simply don’t want to fit into. Do I have the skills and aptitude? Sure. Does it pay well? Not as well as it should, but I have no space to really complain. Will I suck it up for a while, excel, and reap the rewards? Yes – I’m not dumb.
But I do have a broader Understanding now. The band has been on hiatus since New Year’s, and I am very much looking forward to our next rehearsal. I needed this break to come back refreshed and energized – and I am that. Life doesn’t always afford us the opportunity to step away and re-group. Also, that strategy isn’t for everyone. But for me – time away helps me refocus and appreciate what I was missing. The artistic and creative spark is crucial to my well-being. Being drawn deeper into corporate information technology is being drawn away from the creativity that sustains me.
I am Understanding myself better – and, coming full circle to seven years ago, I accept myself more because of it. I am not “Normal” – I never have been. I am wonderfully eclectic. I don’t make sense to most of the people who care about me. And that’s okay too.
As I move through the remainder of this cycle, I want to do a better job of working to appreciate and Understanding myself – and use similar lenses to work to Understand the people around me too. It’s through the clarity brought by Understanding that I think we can find strength, trust, hope, and harmony.
