Conflation
At 12:13am on April 20th the Moon was New again. It hasn’t quite been a week yet, and I have gone longer after a New Moon to compose one of these – but I felt an urgency to post this tonight.
The theme last month was Healing, and in that post I talked about how I felt like this year I was waking from a long, long nap – finally realizing the life I was in the midst of. It’s a frightening prospect to look back at how you made decisions, how you crafted your reality – only to realize that none of the logical paths you had used made any sense any more. Reality isn’t meant to be crafted, it’s meant to be experienced.
This past month has seen more challenges. As I grapple with the damage control that comes with a sudden onset of authenticity, I also find myself reminded… actually no, reliving… experiences from earlier in my life. I came face-to-face, on several occasions, with chances to try to “do better” in a situation than I might have in the past. As with all things, there have been successes and failures.
In February’s post I had mentioned that I was observing the tenth anniversary of “Life of Pi” Day. There have been layers of ghosts from that period in my life that have been tapping and triggering me all year, and particularly over this past month. But true to the theme of the cycle, there were also opportunities for healing.
These ghosts became incredibly pronounced earlier in the month – to the point where I began to use the word Conflation. In some cases I found myself unable to distinguish the events of today from the events of ten years ago. They were merged in my limbic system, and I was reactant.
This was profoundly impactful while I was at a spiritual conference earlier this month. I knew with every fiber of my being that I was not living ten years ago – but there were triggers everywhere. Whether it was a song being sung, or old and familiar faces wandering hallways, or just the circumstances I found myself witness to – it became more and more difficult to separate my yesterdays and todays.
But the Universe provides. Throughout that weekend, when things got darkest, there seemed to be something or someone placed in my path. Whether it was an unexpected roommate, a soul-healing dinner, a random conversation, a well-timed text message, or a late night conversation with a spiritual mentor – I felt cradled by the Universe, and by all the souls who were agents of that caring. One healing moment in particular involved a gentle soul from that time ten years ago, and I felt we managed to say our best words to one another and heal some old wounds.
I am still wrestling with Conflation though – which is why it is the focus for this cycle. I need to be better aware of Conflation as it happens and take that breath between stimulus and response. To be certain that the reaction I am having is to my present – and that I am not blending decades-old angst or trauma into these moments. Today has it’s own challenges – I don’t need to compound them with those from my history.
Categories: Blog, New Moon
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