Nox Amicus

At 6:32pm on Tuesday, December 12th, the moon was New again. We were almost half a cycle in when I posted for last month, and the Moon was just full again this past Tuesday – so while these posts are evenly spaced, I am not posting close enough to the New Moon for my own liking. I will add that to my list of New Year intentions.

Last cycle, I focused on Compassion. While the path toward the focus was dedicated to finding Compassion in our hearts for others, I closed the post by reflecting on needing to find Compassion for ourselves too. In closing, I said that “We should strive to be who we want to be, not who other people have come to expect, and acknowledge that we are as deserving of Compassion as those we would seek to be Compassionate toward.”

I have lived most of my life being who other people needed or expected me to be. I was Switzerland; I was the peacekeeper; I relegated myself to the background to try to be unobtrusive, stepping into the spotlight when called upon to entertain or distract.

When I was very young, sometimes we would have company come over to the house – and at night, when everyone was leaving, I was called to come to the top of the stairs to sing Moon River as a closing theme for the evening. Called upon to entertain or distract. This is one of the reasons I need to continue to schedule alone time – no matter how well-intentioned anyone might be, the fight or flight of the perception of “being called upon to entertain or distract” is exhausting. Only when I’m alone are the voices of expectation stilled.

This doing and being in an effort to fit in and survive in a world where I never really felt at peace has persisted throughout my life. It’s only been in the past four years that I’ve been finding Compassion for myself and edging closer to living life on my own terms. I’ve gotten better at forging off on my own or shutting down. I’m still working on how to best integrate self-care with being social in a healthy way.

Seeing these things about myself – acknowledging and working with them – brings me to this cycle’s theme: Realization. We walk through our lives sometimes as if they’re scripted – we’re supposed to think This, and we’re supposed to do That – but what if those scripted roles are not who we are? What if we’re tired and don’t want to sing Moon River as the company leaves?

Twenty-five years ago, I wrote this cycle’s song while watching work colleagues grind away at unpaid overtime and forsaking the joys in their lives in the quest to meet an arbitrary deadline. The song calls us to Realize what really matters – where our joy truly stems from – and how to capture those moments.

So this cycle – in the midst of the holidays, travel, de facto social time, and obligations – I want to find those moments of Realization. Moments where there is stillness and appreciation for the wonders this life can bring. Moments where the soul can find a safe place to breathe.

At 4:27am on November 13th the Moon was New. It’s been over half a cycle now – but that’s okay. It’s been a busy autumn – particularly the past six weeks – but there have also been beacons shining amidst the craziness.

During the last cycle I was focused on the concept of Consideration. In the closing paragraph of that post I said that “I want to try to do my best to be mindful of those around me – those who may have an expressed need as well as those who might be simply “doing their best to get by” – and ask myself how I can best Consider others in what I say and what I do.”

This focus on Consideration was borne out of a feeling that I wasn’t receiving any. This was not actually true – but perception often belies reality. Once I had committed to offer the Consideration I felt I was lacking, my outlook morphed and I realized than in some ways I was guilty of the very thing I was feeling subjected to.

It’s important to note here that I have a very specific view of forgiveness. It’s not absolution of the person who I may perceive wronged me, but rather it is an intentional path to be able to give to that person again. For Giving. My reframing an event releases me from the energy it takes to stay angry or upset, and grants me the ability to view the other person with more of a sense of grace.

There were two individuals who were foremost in my mind during this time. One was a professional associate, the other was someone who I had never actually met in person. My thoughts around both of them were consuming me, and it was so unhealthy and personally destructive that I became unable to rationally separate the legends from the truth.

Realizing this took me back to the early days of my spiritual path. About ten years ago I was studying the Major Arcana of the Tarot and I was researching “The Emperor”. This path of study led me to the Greek pantheon and Zeus. I have always despised bullies and began a visceral dislike of Zeus. Before a weekend away I was absently straightening the apartment and a sentence appeared in my head: “you know the legends, but do you know the truth?” This made me stop in my tracks – I did know the legends of Zeus – but histories rarely tell the whole story, and this is exponentially true of myths. My heart and attitude began to soften. Later that afternoon, another fully formed thought appeared “you know what I was dealing with, could I have been anything else?”

This was the germination of an aspiration to be more Compassionate in my life. I don’t always succeed in that – in fact, I have failed more than I have succeeded in recent years – but the aspiration is there, the intention is there. As with many things, sometimes I struggle with the implementation.

It was in remembering these phrases that I attribute to Zeus that I was able to find peace and “forgiveness” for the people I felt at odds with. It caused me to realize that we can ever truly know what it’s like to walk anyone else’s path. Just like communicating with others is dependent on understanding their “interface”, so too is it important to know that our preconceptions of what “life” is may have no bearing at all on someone else’s experience.

So this month’s focus is, and has been, Compassion. Finding it in ourselves to let go of our own stuff long enough to realize that other people have their stuff too. We all want to be seen, and sometimes the high road is steep – but the exercise is ultimately good for us. If we’re not being seen, who are we not seeing?

Wrapped in this too is Compassion for ourselves. We are not perfect. We are not even the people that we aspire to be. We are all works in progress. It’s important to realize that the perception of us that matters the most is our own. We should strive to be who we want to be, not who other people have come to expect, and acknowledge that we are as deserving of Compassion as those we would seek to be Compassionate toward. We can’t always call for Compassion, but we can do our best to have it for ourselves.

Yesterday at 1:55pm the Moon was New again. I’m happy to be this early in the cycle and know so clearly what the focus for the month is.

In this past cycle I looked at Fragility – its causes and its impacts. It turned out mostly that the causes were just related to a very full schedule. Until the last decade, the safest place for me has usually been by myself. I have gotten a lot better at interacting safely (for me), but I still have a definite need to retreat to a “fortress of solitude”. I am grateful that everyone in my life understands and accepts this facet of me. It’s interesting that often time just knowing that I can retreat without contest helps me to sustain being social a little bit longer.

I don’t like the fact that I tend to “need” as much as I do. So many people have more real issues than I will ever know – yet still, in order for me to be the best me I can be for myself and others, I still need to Consider myself and ‘put my own oxygen mask on first’.

While I was pondering the focus for this month I was still mired in feelings of anger and frustration that left me feeling as if I was being treated with a lack of respect. As I ruminated on this (or stewed… depending on your perspective), I came to realize that the sense of disrespect I was feeling was not  malicious, it was simply borne out of a lack of Consideration.

Last weekend I was introduced to the concept of the Sunflower Lanyard. I had first seen a sign for this at the Philadelphia airport, but did not realize it was more widespread than that. The Sunflower Lanyard is used by persons with hidden disabilities – those who might need a little extra attention or Consideration moving through spaces, and whose needs might not be readily apparent to a casual observer. I was attending a regional Friends for Life conference hosted by Children with Diabetes. At the registration table I was offered the Sunflower Lanyard – and at first was going to decline. I manage my anxiety and introversion pretty well and there will always be those in greater need of Consideration than me. But I recognized that my focus on Fragility had defined my own need.

So this cycle I will focus on the philosophy and actions of Consideration. I want to try to do my best to be mindful of those around me – those who may have an expressed need as well as those who might be simply “doing their best to get by” – and ask myself how I can best Consider others in what I say and what I do.

The Moon was New at 9:40pm on September 14th; so just about a week ago. As we’ve moved through the first quarter, my intended focus for this cycle has changed a few times. In fact, last night I was certain what the theme would be – but the mood shifted on a dime and here we are.

Last month I looked at Actualizing. Taking stock of where I am on this path, how far I’ve come and where my path may lead from here. In that posting there was a lot of intention. I hesitate to say it was confidence – certainly edging toward that – but more a kind of self-acknowledgement. It felt good to stand in the power of my own words.

But power can be fleeting. As I began to examine my place on my path, I realized that the ground I was standing on might not be as stable as I had imagined. This has been a year of profound change – beginning in July of 2022 and it is still in motion. Earthquakes and aftershocks, and precious little shelter.

So the focus for this cycle is Fragility. My sense of self seems to be balanced on the head of a pin these days and I often catch myself moving through unanticipated reactions and perceptions. A trusted mentor has told me that it’s okay to feel whatever you feel – it’s what you choose to do about it that you need to be mindful of.

Every emotion seems to be in play – happiness, sadness, fear, anger. Anger is the trickiest one because it’s the one I am least familiar with. I had always been Switzerland – mediating conflict but not becoming embroiled in it myself. Now I find myself ferociously, if not aggressively, guarding my borders. This is very pronounced in my professional world, but I have noticed the same trend elsewhere.

For these reasons, Fragility seems to be the best focus. How can I manage myself on the shifting sands of this life in time while still honoring everyone I share the path with? How can I manage my changing emotions and share appropriately while still trying to work on my desire to provide clear and complete communication? How can I tread carefully, yet still deliberately?

I believe the first step is acknowledging the Fragility for what it is, and not fear it or try to hide it. I am Fragile right now – but just knowing and acknowledging that helps to make me stronger.

At 5:38am on Wednesday, August 16th the Moon was New again. The fact that this is being posted so close to the time is a testament to the accuracy of this cycle’s focus — but I am getting ahead of myself.

The focus for the last cycle was Assumption. In that post I spoke about “emotional reasoning”, and talked about how I would often assume an emotional significance or emotional weight to something someone might say or do, or a way someone will behave, that they did not intend. I also said that I wanted to allow space for fate to evolve rather than Assuming, and thereby possibly unintentionally manifesting an outcome.

Part of my work this past month involved reading “The Game of Life and How to Play It” by Florence Scovel Shinn. The book focuses on the power of attraction — that through faith and intent, we can draw what we desire into our lives. This dovetails nicely with a tenet of my own path, which states “To know, to dare, to will, to keep silent”. Specifically – know yourself; your motivations and desires, summon the courage to express those desires, will yourself to do the work to create space for the desire to manifest; then leave it alone — be silent. If it is to be, it will be — rest in the knowledge that your intentions were pure and you laid all the groundwork you could.

There’s a lot of trust involved in that. Trusting in oneself, trusting in the universe, and in many cases, having trust in those closest to us. Quite often, the things we choose to manifest for ourselves create ripples in the community around us. We have to believe that everyone will act with integrity and in their own best interests.

For me, one example of an exercise in trust has been trying not to craft escapes for other people. Often times, someone will ask me to confirm a thing: “We said we would do [x], right?” I would very often respond with “yes, if that’s still okay”. I always believed that stemmed from consideration — but I am realizing that it’s more from self-doubt and a lack of self-value. Also, it diminishes someone else’s path toward self-advocacy. If something changes, it should be the responsibility of the changing party to communicate that. We should try to be receptive and be gracious, but allow them the space to move as they will. As without, so within.

I’m getting there — and that’s the focus for this cycle: Actualizing. Since 2017, I have posted these insights, knowing they are a roadmap to my own self-actualization. I’m not there — not by a long-shot. After all, it’s the journey, not the destination. But I am Actualizing. If self-actualization is defined as “the realization or fulfillment of one’s talents and potentialities”, then I feel I am starting to touch on those now. I am making a concerted effort to organize and revitalize my living space; I am taking care of some lingering health issues; I am branching out on new creative endeavors, and I am saying “yes” more than I am shying away from new experiences. I am less afraid than I used to be, which only leads to enjoying all the experiences more fully.

Each of our paths is our own to walk. We can ask for help, we can offer help, but in the final analysis, the responsibility for ourselves is with each of us. This is where the chorus of this cycle’s song comes in:

I understand about indecision
but I don’t care if I get behind
People living in competition –
all I want is to have my Peace of Mind

…and as the outro insists: Take a look ahead…

At 2:32pm on Monday, July 17th, the Moon was New again. She isn’t due to come to fullness until Tuesday at 2:32pm, so we’re not quite half-way through the cycle. Interesting though, that this cycle the New and Full moons both arrive at 2:32pm ET. If anyone knows if there is any astronomical reason or any astrological significance, please let me know. Given the complexity of the cosmos, I’m apt to think it’s a coincidence, but I’m not sure I believe in coincidences.

For the last cycle I set out to focus on Autonomy, specifically how I can incorporate it into a life where I am called to interact with other individuals. I concluded by noting that Immanuel Kant suggested that the concept of Autonomy entails individuals acting in accordance with their rational will and self-imposed moral principles, rather than being governed by external factors, or heteronomy. To me, this signaled that Autonomy is at the root of both authenticity and the path toward self-actualization.

The questions dawned on me though – “why do I need to work on Autonomy? What is stopping me from being Autonomous?” I began to move through my days with this in the back of my mind – catching when I was feeling like I was standing in less of my own power as well as when that feeling wasn’t as prevalent. I began to realize that I was anticipating – or steeling myself for – an emotional reaction in conversations. I seemed to be constantly on-guard, as if waiting for a shoe to drop. I eventually began to notice that there was emotion everywhere – not just in reactions to things I might say, but when someone would say something there might be moments where I would assign an emotional gravitas that they not only didn’t intend, but they were not even aware of.

I did some research and found that this is described as “emotional reasoning”. When someone engages in emotional reasoning, they interpret neutral or objective statements in a way that aligns with their current emotional state, often without considering the actual facts or intent behind the comment. 

Someone can say something and that’s simply their truth. It is just a fact to them. If they wanted to impart any emotional attachments to that, it’s on them to say it. My problem has been that I have Assumed an emotional significance or emotional weight. 

Maybe this goes right back to control. Was it easier for me to Assume or project an emotion – positive or negative – rather than to let things play out in their own time? And how much of that projection becomes manifestation?

So for this cycle, I want to be more mindful of Assumptions. Did someone actually say a certain thing, or behave in a certain way, or is the lens of my history distorting reality into something else? Additionally, I want to try to be more mindful of allowing space for fate to evolve, rather than Assuming, and thereby possibly unintentionally manifesting an outcome.

Last Sunday at 12:37am the Moon was New again. We’re at three consecutive months at publishing these within a week of the New Moon. I don’t feel like I can rest in the timing yet – but, as with all things, we’re getting there.

The last cycle’s focus was Courage – of which there has needed to be plenty. This year keeps presenting new and different challenges, which have required me to seemingly adapt my view of my reality as well as my place in it. To quote Plato from ‘Cratylus’, “Heraclitus, I believe, says that all things pass and nothing stays, and comparing existing things to the flow of a river, he says you could not step twice into the same river.” Or from ‘Dust in the Wind’ from Kansas, “only for a moment, and the moment’s gone”. In every moment, we change, and the world we live in changes. The Courage that was my focus last cycle was to try to face all of the changing moments.

This seems simple – things change every day, for everyone – we have to adapt. This is where I ran into issues with my deep seated psychology. My fundamental mission rule – “don’t upset your mother” – had expanded to “don’t upset anyone or anything”. If this casts me a bit as Nomad in the Star Trek TOS episode “The Changeling”, I’ll accept that. But that initial programming morphed to the point where I felt compelled to compartmentalize everything – including myself – to the point where I’ve come to realize that I never really belonged to ‘me’.

I said something in passing some time ago – I think it was around a tooth extraction – that the anxiety wasn’t that I was having a medical procedure performed, it was that I had somehow damaged the body that my mother had trusted me with. I didn’t belong to me. If we extrapolate from there, then who was I living this life for? This is why seemingly radical choices like flying off to Australia are so revolutionary – I made a choice that served no one but myself. No agenda, no rationale, no moral imperative – just a choice. Autonomy.

People sometimes question why I need to spend time alone so often; why I shut down communications and recede into my own shadows. It’s to reassert my sense of Autonomy and self-determination. This poses the philosophical question, can someone be self-actualized who is not also self-deterministic? I would posit ‘no’, but we’ll save that for another time. The lyrics from this cycle’s companion song ring true here:

I know that there’s a reason why I need to be alone

To show me there’s a silent place that I can call my own

I am moving through a season of my life where I am on the cusp of truly embracing my sense of self – to answer the question “what makes Sean, Sean – when he is not trying to be what anyone else needs or expects?” Or –

You don’t have to win

And there’s no need to fight

So this cycle, I will explore how I can express my own Autonomy. How can I believe and trust in it, and how can I incorporate it into a life where I am called to interact with other individuals? In 1795, Immanuel Kant published his account of Autonomy in his book “Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals”. In it, Kant suggested that the concept of Autonomy entails individuals acting in accordance with their rational will and self-imposed moral principles, rather than being governed by external factors, or heteronomy. To me, this signals that Autonomy is at the root of both authenticity and the path toward self-actualization.

No one said the waters of Heraclitus’ river wouldn’t be deep.

This past Friday, at 11:53am, the Moon was New again. This is the second cycle in a row where I’ve gotten this intention composed within about a week. This feels like good timing – close enough to be relevant, but not rushed.

Last month’s theme of Conflation spoke about how so many moments this year seemed to ignite patterned responses from years ago – or were even being concurrently mirrored in other parts of my life. The past few weeks have seen the work of doing my best to stay in this reality as I try to navigate the challenges I face now.

There has been no shortage of challenges either. Last week I had to contend with a milestone birthday, the energy shift I feel around the time of a New Moon, and the anniversary of my mother’s passing – all this, in addition to moving through the changes that 2023 has brought.

It has been a turbulent year. I have found that many areas of my life that I had thought were really well defined are now in a state of flux. Some of these changes are good and healthy, some of them are profoundly sad but still healthy, some are still to be determined. To be honest, some are actually all three.

Change is hard. Growth is hard. From an early age I was always shy, hesitant, or afraid. I had felt I was a burden, and in many ways that I was undeserving of love. I have grown and evolved over time, but those early feelings – and the coping skills I’d developed to try to present as ‘normal’ in the real world – were omnipresent. They were the well worn wheel tracks in the road of my life. So much a part of me that I never really saw how much they weren’t “me” at all.

People have told me how my trip to Australia in 2019 was ‘brave’ – when I simply thought I was finally doing what I was called to do – but I see it now. Having the strength to move as our spirit wills us does require a certain kind of Courage. The Courage to loosen our hold on our own expectations, as well as the Courage to trust that the path we are on is true. This is why Courage is the focus for this cycle. 

I am in the process of finding that living this life requires a Courage that I never felt myself capable of. Some of it has been having the Courage to self-advocate, which I feel I have gotten better at. But I am also learning the Courage that both comes from, and results in, taking responsibility for all of the facets of my life – celebrating the victories, and doing my very best to make up for the things I get wrong.

I used to skip to the end of books, or look up the ending to a movie, because the anxiousness of waiting for the outcome was too intense. But the future is unwritten – I would never have predicted some of these twists and turns, but I am doing my best to live this life moment by moment with as much Courage as I can muster; with wonder at what the future might hold. I may finally be learning that the most optimistic question is “What could happen next?”

At 12:13am on April 20th the Moon was New again. It hasn’t quite been a week yet, and I have gone longer after a New Moon to compose one of these – but I felt an urgency to post this tonight.

The theme last month was Healing, and in that post I talked about how I felt like this year I was waking from a long, long nap – finally realizing the life I was in the midst of. It’s a frightening prospect to look back at how you made decisions, how you crafted your reality – only to realize that none of the logical paths you had used made any sense any more. Reality isn’t meant to be crafted, it’s meant to be experienced.

This past month has seen more challenges. As I grapple with the damage control that comes with a sudden onset of authenticity, I also find  myself reminded… actually no, reliving… experiences from earlier in my life. I came face-to-face, on several occasions, with chances to try to “do better” in a situation than I might have in the past. As with all things, there have been successes and failures.

In February’s post I had mentioned that I was observing the tenth anniversary of “Life of Pi” Day. There have been layers of ghosts from that period in my life that have been tapping and triggering me all year, and particularly over this past month. But true to the theme of the cycle, there were also opportunities for healing.

These ghosts became incredibly pronounced earlier in the month – to the point where I began to use the word Conflation. In some cases I found myself unable to distinguish the events of today from the events of ten years ago. They were merged in my limbic system, and I was reactant.

This was profoundly impactful while I was at a spiritual conference earlier this month. I knew with every fiber of my being that I was not living ten years ago – but there were triggers everywhere. Whether it was a song being sung, or old and familiar faces wandering hallways, or just the circumstances I found myself witness to – it became more and more difficult to separate my yesterdays and todays.

But the Universe provides. Throughout that weekend, when things got darkest, there seemed to be something or someone placed in my path. Whether it was an unexpected roommate, a soul-healing dinner, a random conversation, a well-timed text message, or a late night conversation with a spiritual mentor – I felt cradled by the Universe, and by all the souls who were agents of that caring. One healing moment in particular involved a gentle soul from that time ten years ago, and I felt we managed to say our best words to one another and heal some old wounds.

I am still wrestling with Conflation though – which is why it is the focus for this cycle. I need to be better aware of Conflation as it happens and take that breath between stimulus and response. To be certain that the reaction I am having is to my present – and that I am not blending decades-old angst or trauma into these moments. Today has it’s own challenges – I don’t need to compound them with those from my history.

This past Tuesday at 1:23pm the Moon was New again. Numbers geeks will appreciate that the date and time could be expressed as 3/21 1:23pm.

The theme last cycle was Lessons – where I tried to learn from the mistakes I’d made. I had listed a number of lessons I’d already been presented – don’t keep secrets, listen to people, and don’t assume. A few weeks ago while in discussion with a trusted soul I stumbled upon another lesson: I need to have more faith in the people who love me.

That sounds pretty fundamental, doesn’t it? We should have faith in the people who love us – but I learned at a young age that the kind of “love” I needed and what I was being offered were not the same. The control, walls, and compartmentalization that I spoke about in the last post were crafted over the years to build a ‘safe space’ to try to substitute for the ‘loving space’ that was so hard for me to find.

I remember the moment, at a young age, when my worldview shifted. When I felt like I had to either be the peacekeeper, or otherwise had to affect change in everything so that there would be no conflict or even tension. I became the performer, the comedian, the genius, and the fool. I don’t hold any ill will at all to that moment or it’s cause – it came from a place I’d come to know all too well – but it was a moment.

What’s been interesting over the past few months is that I have started to remember the safety and security that existed just prior to that moment. Before the shift, before the games, before the myriad identities. It has almost come to feel like some other Sean was shepherding this existence for that child, ready to hand it over when I was ready.

This is not my Jungian “inner child” – this is actually me. The real me, the unaffected me – hidden away for just about 57 years. It started to be reborn as I deliberately unraveled my relationship with my mother. Once she passed away I did mourn for a time – but then started to realize that the need for me to dispel conflict or tension was fading as a direct result of her absence. That was 2017, just as these New Moon posts started to become regular occurrences.

After a while I finally learned that the choices in my life were mine – so I released a CD, flew to Australia to see a concert, and more. I began to embrace life and try to show up for it. I stumbled a lot in those days – and in many ways, the pandemic helped by giving me a cocoon to Heal in. Coming out of the pandemic I took more chances, I started leaning more into this life. I also continued to make mistakes while I was learning how to “be” all over again.

Last July I underwent a ritual as part of my spiritual path designed to Heal “the memory of injuries in the past can close the heart and cloud judgment.” Ever since then, this growth and Healing has felt exponential. There was more self-discovery and unfettered self-expression at Improv Camp, and finally toward the end of 2022 so much of my Healing was falling into place.

This year has brought the reality that with all Healing there is pain too. The transitions and shifts as things settle into their new positions are destined to be uncomfortable at best. Of course, I had exacerbated them. But now a more Healed me has the opportunity, and the tools, to do my best to help Heal the damage I’d caused over the years.

So yes – the focus for this cycle is Healing, and this cycle’s companion song has the following lyrics that fit the theme:

I have wandered through this world

And as each moment has unfurled

I’ve been waiting to awaken from these dreams

I feel as though I have woken from a 57 year long nap. There are choices I wished the caretaker might have made differently, but as I have been reminded recently, all of those poor choices and behaviors have become Lessons I have learned from.

…my eyes have seen the years

And the slow parade of fears without crying

Now I want to understand

I can cry now, I can feel now, I am beginning to understand, and hopefully now I can work toward continued Healing.