Nox Amicus

Two weeks ago, on August 8th at 9:50am, the moon was new again. This morning, at 8:02am, the moon was full again. Yet here we are – only now posting the intention I’ve been living with for two weeks.

Last month’s focus was Identity, and in that post I reasoned that “I’ve spent much of my life putting on masks and being someone else – to the point that it feels like very, very few people truly have a sense of the real me.”

This constant need to please, or not offend, has been draining. Several years ago when working through David Richo’s “Shadow Dance” I learned more about what drives that aspect of my personality, and how to temper it. Wanting to please people, and wanting others to be happy, only becomes a bad thing when it isn’t genuine or is in some way harmful. One could argue that the act of being deceptive, even as the means to a beneficial end, is in itself harmful.

I’ve had the opportunity over the past few weeks to spend time with people who hold very safe and non-judgmental places for me where I’ve been able to practice very intentional communication. In these moments I find I’ve been able to dig down and understand the shenpa, or attachment, that bind certain emotions to certain circumstances.

For example, last month I had shared time with someone who had told me afterward that they needed to decompress a bit after our visit because there was so much energy in the time we’d spent together. I was grateful for their being able to state what they were feeling, and even more grateful that they knew I was a safe space to both voice it and work through it.

A few weeks later I spent time with another friend just hiking through a park. Near the end of the hike they’d suggested just sitting on a bench near the stream. We sat together, in silence, for about 15 minutes. It was set aside as a kind of meditative experience so no conversation was expected and that caused me to reflect on the joy of sharing silence with someone.

The next day, I had plans to see the first friend again, and while out for a walk with them, there was a period of silence. As we walked in the quiet I felt the shenpa. I wanted to say something, I wanted to fill the space. I dug down and realized that emotionally, silence had been a harbinger of bad times. Too many passive/aggressive people in my past would go quiet – and when asked if something was bothering them, they would say ‘no’, despite the fact that they were holding anger or disappoint or sadness related to me. My coping mechanism created the rule that if there’s no silence, nothing will be wrong.

In that silence that day I realized that if people can’t own their emotions and their experiences, it is not my responsibility to placate them and provide a distracting or entertaining atmosphere. Much better to surround yourself, and nurture relationships, with people who trust and value you for who you are and want to build space where there is relative safety. I don’t need to wear the masks.

So the theme for this month is Authenticity. As I was crafting this post I came to learn that there is a lot of popular pushback against striving for “Authenticity”. That doesn’t bother me. In my research I discovered that Authentic, as defined in existentialist philosophy, is “relating to or denoting an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life.” In my view, there should not be cause to push back against being emotionally appropriate, purposeful, or responsible.

As the weeks have gone along, I have had more opportunity to practice this kind of Authenticity. I realize in those moments that I feel very vulnerable – my safety net of trying to put the happiness of others ahead of my own is deeply engrained – but being able to be vulnerable in a trusted space is empowering. It gives me courage to be true to myself, and vulnerable, in less deliberate spaces. This weekend I was even able to share the inner workings of all of this with another trusted soul and I believe it helped affirm to them that I can be a safe space as well.

The song for this month is “As We Go Along” from The Monkees. I chose it because I feel like I’m singing the first verse to myself:

I can tell by your face / that you’re looking to find a place
To settle your mind and reveal who you are
And you shouldn’t be shy / for I’m not gonna try
To hurt you or heal you or steal your star

Monkees.  Lyrics to “As We Go Along.” Carole King, 2021, caroleking.com/discography/songs/we-go-along.

As I move through these changes, I might not always be who you have come to expect – but I hope we can meet in a place where you get to know who’s been hiding under all the layers.

Yesterday at 9:17pm the moon was new again – so as I sit to write this, I’m only 24 hours past when I should have posted – compared to the last few months, this is progress.

Last month’s focus was on Perspective. In that post I had said that “Seeing myself for who I am, and growing more comfortable in the concept of my own self, has shifted that Perspective and shows me that had I stopped trying so hard, I might have been able to welcome the gifts I’d been chasing away.”

I’ve spent much of my life putting on masks and being someone else – to the point that it feels like very, very few people truly have a sense of the real me. I entered this world (as I understand the stories) with my mother wanting to name me Sean and my father wanting to name me Patrick – so vivid is this distinction that I honestly can’t recall one time my father called me Sean. Interestingly, I have no memory of my mother ever calling me that either. My dad always used to use Pat or SeanPatrick – I honestly have no idea what my mother called me.

But being born into a naming controversy was just the first step – I was also born an uncle. The younger of my two sisters has used the phrase “Uncle Baby Sean Patrick” – I’m not sure how widespread that might have been, but it’s accurate. I had to play the role of child, but I also had to find ways to relate on a different level with siblings who had children that were around my age. I was compelled to grasp deeper concepts, but still stand at the top of the stairs and sing Moon River as company was leaving.

This concept of Identity was underscored at band rehearsal recently – and again at last week’s gig – when my band family started to rattle off the roles I play in the group. Keyboardist, background vocalist, sometime lead vocalist, guitarist, sound engineer, accountant… I’m happy to do all of them – but those are a lot of hats. I said to my boss in work this week that while I have a title, I’m really a utility infielder – whatever we need, she should feel free to throw me at that role.

I’m grateful that I can function reasonably well in different areas – but from my own Perspective, it can be distracting. Who am I?

So the theme for this cycle is Identity. I want to get a sense of how I feel in all of the roles I play and try to determine what about them brings Me joy. I don’t think I’m going to stop doing any of the things I do, or stop being who I am to the myriad people in my life – but I need to get a handle on what works for me, and not just what serves everyone else’s needs. I said once to someone not long ago that I didn’t want to be the value to a variable in someone else’s equation – I wanted to know my own worth. I think this is the goal of all of these posts in total though – not just confined to one month. Still – it’s good to know the question.

I struggled with a song for this post; with no fewer than half a dozen songs fitting the theme in one way or another. I finally settled on something meaningful but obscure – a little known track from Billy Squier’s “Don’t Say No” album called “Nobody Knows”. This is actually one of the three songs I want played at my funeral (the others being Queen’s “Teo Torriatte” and Supertramp’s “Take The Long Way Home”). “Nobody Knows” won the place in this post though because the couplet at the end of the first bridge really seems to capture the feeling of finding the “real” me – “We all got something that we care about, I propose you find it out…”

As always, thank you all for coming along on this journey of self-discovery!

On Thursday, June 10th at 6:53am the moon was new again, coinciding with the solar eclipse, and closing out last month’s focus of Evolution. In that post I had said that the innate ability to redeem ourselves and do better, to enact an adaptation and propagate it forward in our time-stream, is how we Evolve. 

For reasons I cannot fully explain, I have not found myself able to Evolve any closer to publishing these notes on the day of the New Moon. I have known for weeks what this theme would be, but the words escaped me. Perhaps in time. Perhaps all things in time.

The focus on personal Evolution caused me to reflect on some moments in my life, as I drew the path from where I was to where I am. As I looked back, I found that times when I thought things were so “bad”, were really just moments of choice and growth. Sure, there are things I wish I would have done differently – that might not have caused others quite so much hurt – but I don’t know that I would have altered course all that drastically. Sometimes bridges do need to be burned.

As I reflected though I found an interesting pattern. The times that I seem to have regretted the most were times when I was intentionally not being true to myself. One of the difficulties of being born late into an already developed family is the sense that I had to accelerate my maturity. I had to be what I imagined everyone was expecting, rather than feel like I had the freedom to simply be. This “programming” extended through my growth and development – announcing my arrival to grade school with the precocious question “could you please direct me to the first grade?” – a fine example. What six year old says that? It perpetuated even up until recent years – with being so self-conscious about my body image (among so many other things) that I felt I had to use costumes or personalities or some other artifice to be part of whatever I was already naturally welcomed to.

Now that the hair is long and the weight is coming off – I’m seeing the “me” I’d always seen in my mind – and I’m finding it easier to be that person. Will I fit in everywhere? No. Am I the person people have come to “expect”? Maybe. That depends on how deeply they were looking. But I’m finally at the point in my evolution where I feel like I can start to set aside the smoke and mirrors and just be “me”.

Which brings me to this cycle’s intention – Perspective. When I was in the midst of all of the awkward moments, and misguided schemes, and the overcomplicated “trying too hard”, I thought I was in quicksand. I felt I had to do and be “more” just to maintain position. Seeing myself for who I am, and growing more comfortable in the concept of my own self, has shifted that Perspective and shows me that had I stopped trying so hard, I might have been able to welcome the gifts I’d been chasing away.

So for this cycle I want to work to intentionally shift my Perspective – pairing what I see from my perceived vantage point with what I imagine I might see from my preferred situation. See what we have, but also look at our destination through eyes that have already arrived there. It’s easy to appreciate Perspective in hindsight – but can it be possible to provoke Perspective in foresight?

The first step in seeing the things we’re looking for is to open up our eyes.

Last Tuesday at 3pm the moon was new again, and it looks like I’m actually going to get this one posted before a full week elapses. Progress!

Last month’s focus was on Well-being – not just a recap of my efforts to get my physical Well-being into shape (pun intended), but with an eye toward my metaphysical well-being too. All wrapped in an effort to “be” well. The physical side keeps progressing – continuing to monitor the diet and exercise, leveraging my OCD superpower to dig into all of the metrics. It’s good not only to be able to see changes, but note cause and effect too. Internally I’m starting to get some sense of balance back and have become a bit more self-motivated again. It’s a process.

Which brings me to this month’s focus. Echoing the mention of progress and process so far, this month’s focus is Evolution. Looking back at the past three months – seeing Acceptance (of where we are and our circumstance), Time (the ever-flowing path we move along), and Well-being (an intention of manifesting wellness along that path) – Evolution seemed like a good sign post. It provides an opportunity for both reflection and planning – and unlike metamorphosis, it doesn’t imply a completion to the process.

As someone who observes milestones, May can be a challenging month for me. I look back and see SO many things I wish I could have done or handled differently, and I wonder if I really learned from those many mistakes, or whether I still let the same insecurities manifest today. Honestly, I would rather cultivate new insecurities and make new mistakes. I also look at moments in my life that others see as failures and I have no regret or remorse – so I suppose there really are no absolutes.

What I do believe is that we are all on an arc of redemption. We screw up, we figure it out, we make amends if they’re warranted, and we do better next time. This innate ability to redeem ourselves and do better, to enact an adaptation and propagate it forward in out time-stream, this is how we Evolve.

All of the songs that came to mind for this post didn’t quite fit for one reason or another. Then, reflecting on a moment over the weekend, and encouraged by yet another moment today – intuition calls for me to post this one. Each day is a new opportunity to change course, a new chance at redemption, and another step in our Evolution.

At 10:31pm on Sunday, April 11th, the moon was New again. Almost two weeks ago now, but the theme for that cycle was Time – and last month I was also two weeks into the cycle before the announcement came – so really, I’m right on schedule. Perspective counts for a lot.

The theme of Time was particularly poignant – but I carry forward the fact that every moment counts, and redemption or salvation can be on our next breath.

The theme for this month saw its inception in one such moment. It was late February when I was gently called to be mindful of the sugar I was putting into my coffee.

Those of you who have been following along for the past year know that I’ve been struggling with weight, increased blood pressure, high blood sugar, and abnormal cholesterol and triglyceride levels. All indicators of something called Metabolic Syndrome which increases my risk of heart disease, stroke, and type 2 diabetes.  I’d started walking last year and was incredibly proud of myself, until the bloodwork came back barely changed.

So – sugar. At first I brushed it off and drank the coffee. The next day I thought about it again and looked at how many grams of sugar I was starting out my day with. Recommendations say you should consume no more than 35-60 grams of added sugar per day. I was starting every day with 36. I went back to diligently keeping a food diary – then suddenly, as if no one had ever said it before, came the epiphany – diet and exercise.

The app I use suggested a 1500 calorie/day diet – with a cap of 57g of sugar, 17g saturated fat, and a suggested 76g of protein. So on March 3rd I began. In that time I’ve lost 11 pounds. When I had my bloodwork done at the end of March they were the best results I’d had since 2010 – total cholesterol and triglycerides are in a normal range and my A1c is down from 5.9 to 5.5. Right now, I’m at my lowest consistent weight in 15 years and am averaging nearly 6000 steps/day.

So the theme for this month is Well-being. I am moved to choose it primarily because of the physical aspect, but I am also called to examine the more metaphysical interpretation. Spiritual mentors I respect speak of being “a proper person, properly prepared” – my physical Well-being is improving, but how can I improve my overall state of Being Well? Now that the ship is being rehabbed, how can I be sure the captain is in good shape?

To this end I want to go back a few years and revisit The Four Agreements – Be Impeccable With Your Word, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions, and Always Do Your Best. I’ve fallen down on all but the first lately, and I know I want to be better. I also want to try to apply some focus to the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path – Right Understanding, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. I seem to be pulled in directions that lead away from my true sense of self, not toward it. While this is to be expected from time to time, it’s gone on longer than I’m comfortable with – so let’s draw the circle a little tighter for a bit. My thinking is that by focusing on the basics and examining how I’m living my life, I can bring clarity to those moments where I’m falling away from my best self – and in so doing, “Be” well.

No song this time – I had a few choices, but they all seemed to veer too far from the theme for this cycle; and frankly, veering too far from the theme is the problem to be answered this month.

Wishing everyone well-being!!

At 5:12am on Saturday, March 13th, the Moon was New. Now, we’re nearly half way through the cycle and I haven’t announced what this month’s intention is yet.

Am I late? No – and such is my lesson this cycle. Everything happens in its own Time. It might not be the Time we expect, or the Time we want, but it happens when it is designed to.

Last month’s theme was about Acceptance. It focused a lot on my being Accepted by others, relating a story from my high school years that underscored a sense of being somewhat ostracized – which ended up being far more of a blessing than a curse. In many ways, that set the stage for this cycle. All is as it is designed to be.

Despite the theme of Acceptance though, I fought against it a lot. The post itself didn’t get nearly the traction I had wanted it to – and yes, I had a really hard Time Accepting that. It was just one of the many, many things that called for Acceptance last cycle. But through all the back and forth with myself, the way I closed the last post was the thing that was important to be carried forward: “When people of good character show up in our lives being unapologetically who they are they should be embraced, not questioned, because it is their very diversity that gives color to our worlds.”

Many of you know I’m a stickler for dates – anniversaries are important milestones. They provide an opportunity to look at where we are and where we’ve been – and look forward to where we might go. I’m not talking about personal relationship anniversaries here – though they are in many ways more important – but I’m talking about other kinds of life changes.

Just before the last cycle ended, on March 12th, it was the 8th anniversary of the interview which led to my career re-birth. The following Tuesday, the 16th, was the 7th anniversary of my separation from a spiritual community that had helped to redefine my spirituality, and gave me many trusted friends I still look to today. While I railed against my “unwelcoming” for a long time, I see now that there were lessons to learn about how people choose to behave, and the value of compassion. Then just this past Saturday, Ostara, was the 5th anniversary of my dedication to my current spiritual community – for whom I am ever grateful.

But among all of those anniversaries are also ones from just last year. March 11th marked one year since I sat in a bar to pass an evening with a drink and a friend. We will get back to those days – but we have to move through these difficult ones first.

So the theme this cycle is Time. For those of you who are saying “but you always said Time doesn’t exist” – I still maintain it is an artificial construct to measure the passage of matter and energy through space. But that’s the point. We all move through this space – sometimes aware of the moments we’re spending, sometimes pained by the moments in our memory, sometimes too focused on the moments to come. In reality, we can only truly function in one moment at a time. Stop. Breathe. Appreciate the good and bad in this moment.

There were so many songs that could have been the soundtrack to this post – but I’m returning to an old favorite. Rather than the official video, I’m posting a lyric video – because words matter.

Savor each moment. Enjoy every sandwich. Love without agenda.

Last Tuesday afternoon the moon was new and the time had come to complete the past cycle and begin this one.

Last month I focused on Words – their audience, their intent, and their meaning. Words are at the core of my self-expression – I sit and think and craft what I’m going to say, mostly because I realized long ago that one of my two biggest fears is being misunderstood.

I was on the brink of using Words last Monday, and using them in a way that risked muddling the message I was trying to send. Someone had posted something on Facebook about an advance they’d made in their life and self-expression, and I was about to comment on a realization I had had several years before that prompted me to think similarly.

Then I stopped. How was what I was preparing to say serving HIS story? Was it doing anything at all other than promoting myself? Was I just trying to be cool?

Cool.

I grew up with Happy Days and Fonzie – cool was in my psyche at a critical developmental stage. In seventh grade, I knew I wasn’t cool – I had no hope of being cool. My parents were the ages of the grandparents of most of my peers. I had a world-view and priorities that weren’t at all like those of my classmates. Everything for me was cause and effect, everything was quantifiable. So I approached a classmate who I saw as “cool” and asked him what would qualify. I tried to establish some kind of scale where things you did or said accrued “points” and once you got enough points you were cool.

Hopeless. Utterly hopeless.

During my freshman year in high school I torpedoed any possible chance of “cool”. There was a talent show and I thought I’d enter and sing. I’d been in the grade school glee club, and I used to sing at home with my sister, so this seemed like a good plan. The downside was that I had zero knowledge of popular music. My dad was 63 when I was in high school – so the music at home was mostly his big band records. My sister introduced me to The Carpenters and Barry Manilow – but I knew they wouldn’t fit. My father’s favorite contemporary song was “If” by Bread. He also liked the jazz guitarist Tony Mottola, who had recorded a jazz instrumental version of “If”. So what do I do? Stand in front of my entire high school as a freshman and sing “If” backed by Tony Mottola’s jazz guitar. Thus ended any hopes of my ever being one of the “cool” kids. At least I walked away feeling like I’d honored my father and his sacrifices that put me in that school.

But time is a funny thing. The time at home getting lost in music helped me find my first group of real friends – oddly enough, met at a Halloween party trying to pick music for everyone else to listen to. It put me in the folk group at school where more friends were made. All of these people are still profoundly important in my life. This “outsiderness” also fed my fascination with computers, which led to my first career, which led to my first band. Fast forward to today and all of the gifts that made me an outsider then are the things I am valued for in my communities today.

So the theme for this cycle is Acceptance. To be cool is to find Acceptance – but to be able to be yourself and to find Acceptance is even better. When people of good character show up in our lives being unapologetically who they are they should be embraced, not questioned, because it is their very diversity that gives color to our worlds.

As Tuesday moved into Wednesday this week, at precisely midnight, the moon became New Again. It’s the first New Moon of 2021 and a time for new possibilities – and in this case, time to dig deeper into the work of these posts.

During this past cycle my focus was on the business of the end of the year – primarily Releasing that which did not serve me, and in doing so, welcoming either something new or the space to allow better things to grow.

One of the things I’ve wanted to Release from last year was fear and anxiety. The last few months of the year saw it consume me – all of it based on historical triggers that can’t be erased, just re-framed. I focused a lot on things I had done that I wish I could undo, and on wrongs that were done to me. All the scars that make up who we are. My goal wasn’t to get rid of them – they are woven into my fabric – but I wanted to blend and soften them a bit.

Anxiety isn’t always bad. When I was young, starting at about five years old, I rebelled against the Catholic Church – there was SO much incongruity and hypocrisy (some of you know the story of when, at a precocious age, I asked a priest why he yelled so much during a homily). Fast forward a few years and there was a priest in my grade school parish who was the first spiritual leader that made sense. There’s a bit in the Catholic Mass just after the Lord’s Prayer known as the embolism. The line, spoken by the officiant, was “Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.”  Father Sullivan never said it that way though – he said “…from all undue anxiety…”. Suddenly faith could be malleable, even if it wasn’t taught that way. The addition of a single Word made me feel less edgy and more hopeful. Subconsciously, this was imprinted – “the words you use matter”.

A few years later my dad began working from home. He was a regional sales manager and traveled a lot – so why rent an office only he ever went to? I got to watch him at his IBM Selectric typewriter – typing letter after letter. Phones weren’t really his thing either – it was all about writing. I saw him type thoughts, crafting paragraphs on the fly. That stuck too. Words matter.

The lessons continued – public speaking in high school, radio in college, newspaper writing after that, the radio/television/film degree, the communications degree – words matter; what we say, and how we say them – right down to the nuance of choice. Sure – there have been times when I’ve spoken before I’ve thought and I really wished I could take something back – but I try to learn from those times.

A few weeks ago I started to explore TikTok. I had dismissed it – I just didn’t have time for the kinds of content I’d seen – but it’s tough to disregard a billion people. I created an account and let the algorithm guide me. I began to find “my people” – nerdy, geeky, shy, anxious, talented, confident – all finding new and different ways to express themselves. I liked, I followed, I chatted – I haven’t posted yet, but I already have 28 followers who are waiting.

The algorithm led me to someone who was singing an original song about their experience with bullying. Their performance was raw and powerful – if there was a genre for “punk-folk ukulele”, this was it. But there was a line at the end of the verse that floored me: “They don’t even have to hurt me to keep me in my place”. My years of fear and anxiety coalesced by someone else’s words. So I commented – like you do. My comment was basically “This powerful truth is resonant… thank you for putting words to my feelings too.” As of this writing 2100 people have ‘liked’ my comment. This person and their song touched tens of thousands of souls, and my gratitude was echoed by two thousand. Their words made a difference – and apparently, mine did too.

So the focus this month is Words. Which Words are used, when they are used, how they are used, who hears them, and what was their audience and intent? Sometimes the message is explicit, sometimes implicit, but every message eventually finds its audience.

No song this time – neither The Monkees nor Missing Persons fit this theme. But I will sign off with a quote from Rumi…

“Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” -Rumi

Well – this is different, right?

This past Tuesday morning at 5:28am the moon was new again, so I knew it was time to write another of these – but then I thought ‘nothing is normal’, and is it just going to be irritating to publish this now? Then I decided to not take that decision away from anyone – I wanted to see what words came out and if someone else needs a different kind of distraction they can stop reading now.

The theme for the past lunar cycle was one of Resonance, and when I think about it I can see examples of resonant effect in many places. The way that the harmonics of this virus and response have hit a crescendo and reverberated through every area of our lives is indeed resonant – but certainly not in the way I would have imagined. There’s anxiety, fear, loneliness, and uncertainty. I went through my challenges and know there will be more to come before this is over. This is a long game. It’s not unlike the ADSR envelope in music, where ASDR stands for Attack, Decay, Sustain, and Release. We’re still in the Attack stage – but hopefully soon we’ll be on the other side and be able to see “the curve” Decay – before Sustaining for a short period and finally Releasing. Then, hopefully, there will be quiet from the anxiety, and brighter days.

So what about this cycle? I thought about our collective isolation and about our solitude; I thought about the warmth of the sun and how the proper name for our sun is Sol. So what about Solace?

Exclusive of our current planetary emergency – Solace would, and has, come from the resolution of Resonance, so Solace fits as a step on my path. There are numerous references online to “solace in solitude”, and while I would normally gravitate toward that, I like my solitude more when it’s my own idea and desire. I’m an admitted agoraphobe, so staying home is my preferred state – but even I am missing being out with other humans these days.

So how do we find solace in these times? For me, it’s been a result of the past months of Curation – of keeping only those things in my life which sustain me, and by focusing on where my life is most Resonant. I’m trying to stay in touch with a myriad of people through a variety of methods, working on oft-delayed creative projects, and keeping as close to a normal schedule as I can. For me, there is Solace in consistency – so where some of that has been robbed, I reinforce it in other places.

For those of us who may be blessed enough to not have this virus hit too close to home yet, there is an opportunity to sit with ourselves – to listen to the intuitions that drive us and see where we might have opportunity for change. I’m not saying this is the Universe saying “go to your room and think about what you’ve done” – but deep self-reflection doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

May you find Solace in these times in whatever way serves your soul best!!

Last night at 11:12pm the moon was new, and 46 minutes later Mercury went direct from retrograde. The whole Mercury Retrograde thing resonates with some people – the idea of communications being wonky and holding off on bigger choices until it goes direct again. I wasn’t really paying attention to it this time around, but as I sit to write this month’s intention, it seems relevant.

The last lunar cycle was about “Resolve”. For me, this was a concerted effort to be less obliged to assumed responsibility, and lacking an expressed “need” from elsewhere, giving credence and validity to my “wants”. I feel like I did this in spirit even when I didn’t have an opportunity to do it in practice. There were very few times I did or said something because I felt I was “supposed to” and many times when I expressed what was in my heart even though that might not have been what the audience wanted to hear.

Still – I’ve felt mired in something since I got back from Australia. The best word is ennui – just a listlessness and dissatisfaction. Some of that is due to the lingering issues with my knee, some of it is a result of clouds on the professional landscape, and some of it is just wondering where the next hill is.

When I was standing on the cliffs near Watson’s Bay, I had an opportunity to think about who I am – quiet, alone, and uninfluenced I felt like I was the one in the village who went out on his own and looked over the hill to see what there was to be seen. I wasn’t harvesting resources or building new villages – I was the one that said: “hey, that looks cool”.

I went for a quiet drive tonight and thought about this cycle’s intention – and decided on “Elevation”. I’m very much stuck in the weeds, feeling like I’m slicing through a savannah with a dull machete. There are hills to be found and scaled, and above the clouds there is clear sky. For those who are familiar with the Qabalistic Tree of Life – I need to focus less on Malkuth and set my sights back on Yesod.

Or as Michael Nesmith wrote in 1971 – “I lost the light, now I’m moving through the night, running from the Grand Ennui.”

Thanks, Nez.