Nox Amicus

This past Tuesday afternoon the lunar cycle was new again, so it’s time for another of these posts. I’d like to thank everyone who tunes in every month for these. They’re just mileposts on my journey, but posting them here helps me feel accountable – so thank you for your witness.

Last month was about clarity, the need for it and the search for it. The trip to Australia was exactly what no doctor ordered, but exactly what I needed in the way it unfolded. It was physical endurance, it was the exploration of other cultures, it was immersion in the creative arts, and it was an exercise in self-reliance and self-expression.

So what’s this month about? The word is “resolve”. It’s a complicated word, whether used as a noun or a verb. In many ways, the journey through clarity helped me resolve some lingering questions and self-doubts, and that kind of resolution can only carry-over and make us stronger – providing us with resolve.

That’s where I find myself today. I have had a tendency my whole life to make compromises I didn’t really need to make. My own issues from childhood led me to be the one who had to make sure everyone else was okay. No one asked me to be that, but it fell to me. My sister used to call me Switzerland because I was always the one not taking sides and hosting the peace talks. In doing that, my resources were always expended outside of myself.

I’m going to start to back away from that. It’s not my job to make sure “everyone” and “everything” is okay. I resign. I will fight injustice, I will support my friends and family as best I can, and I will battle for what I am passionate about – but I’m now in the business of rationing my energies. I can’t be all things to all people anymore.

That’s going to mean changes. It’s also going to be rocky as I make that adjustment because I know I am going to alienate people. But 53 years is long enough to worry about making someone upset.

What does it look like? A lot more time of me doing things that feed my soul and less time fulfilling self-imposed obligations that don’t make my life a better place. Personally, spiritually, musically, professionally – everything needs to be examined for its cost versus its benefit.

There are still going to be compromises, and there are still going to be some times when I will do things because someone else’s need outweighs my own. But the important thing now is that I will also guarantee myself a seat at this table.

Micky sang a song during sound-check that spoke to this shift. It was “As We Go Along” by Carole King & Toni Stern, and the chorus begins:

Open your eyes, get up off your chair
There’s so much to do in the sunlight

Let the sun shine!!

On Monday morning we had another New Moon. This was a little hard to believe because I felt like we’d just had one – but such is the nature of time right now.

For May I had chosen Integrity, because I seemed to be surrounded by such a lack of it that I wanted to make sure I was living my own life with as much honesty, mindfulness, and conviction as I could. It was tough – there were some choices and compromises, but the sun kept rising.

But things are still muddled. There are turbulent waters all around – spiritual questions, professional questions. I need space to think, but I haven’t really been able to give myself the healthy time to do that.

So this cycle I’m choosing Clarity. I know it’s the thing I need right now to navigate these seas. During a conversation with Laura around my plans, or lack thereof, for the Australia trip – it dawned on me that I’m actually on a kind of pilgrimage. Prompted by the chance to see musical and entertainment heroes, but I also get the chance to breathe. I am flying half-way around the world. Everyone I know will be asleep when I’m awake and awake when I’m asleep. I will be alone and have the chance to really listen to my own thoughts. This made me think of the Australian term “Walkabout”, defined as “a journey on foot undertaken by an Australian Aboriginal in order to live in the traditional manner.” The tradition I’m looking for is my own. What makes Sean tick? What makes Sean happy? Who is Sean when there’s no one to be anything or anyone else for?

I am blessed beyond words for this opportunity, and I really think it couldn’t have come at a better time. So for this next lunar cycle it’s about Clarity – and in keeping with the recent trends of adding a soundtrack to these posts – I don’t think anything is more fitting than this.

It’s been a rough week. It’s been six days since the new moon and this is the first day I’ve felt like I was able to write an unbiased New Moon post. Funny thing is, the theme that I’d intended on last Saturday followed me through the week and stays true today.

For the April lunar cycle I chose Patience, and in that post I said: “I’m going to just be patiently watching for the next few weeks, void of expectation, but mindful of the changes – and any calls to action those changes may prompt.” Turns out one of the changes was a wonderful surprise gig with the band. But this theme of patiently watching while void of expectation served me well during the troubles this week as well. I was able to find the space between stimulus and response, not react too soon or over-react, and seek advice from a select few places.

All of this brings me to this cycle’s theme – Integrity. For my purposes this month, I’m using the definition “the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction”. Last week I’d wanted to choose Integrity because it symbolized the Beltane joining of masculine & feminine, and the unification that the ability to draw equally from both of those perspectives can offer. This week it is still true because the unification of emotional drive and logical restraint served me very well.

There are always competing forces inside us – light/dark, feeling/thinking, right/wrong – but reality is always somewhere in the middle. Reality is rooted in the oneness, the balance, the perspective.

So for the next lunar cycle I want to continue to try to see the whole board. Still staying true to my own convictions, but accepting the fact that “E pluribus unum” (“Out of many, one”) applies to all things, great and small.

There was a cautious optimism coming out of my last New Moon post. I’d chosen “renewal” because of how I was feeling and processing the trip to Hawaii. There was so much of that which called me back to myself – and so much of the intervening years that called for processing and forgiveness. In retrospect we are rarely exactly who we would have wanted to be in a moment – but that’s what growth is for.

I’d had some ideas for this month – thoughts that planned to build on what had come before, deepening the sense of renewal and the promise of rebirth that spring holds. But for right now there is other work that needs my attention, so in line with that, I’m going to pursue Patience for this lunar cycle.

In the age of instant gratification and twenty-four hour news, I think we lose track of the value of waiting. We’re so busy saying ‘I want to do this now, know this now, be there now, change this now’ – that we forget that sometimes the process is the thing, not what the process leads to. Sometimes the final product is irrelevant, it’s the waiting and crafting and tempering that is the real work, and sets us up for so many more successes than the one thing we thought we were working toward.

I have the rarest of occurrences this month – I have three weekends with no commitments. I think there’s a very good chance I’m going to keep things that way. In the quiet and the waiting will come either questions or answers.

There’s a principle in physics called the Observer Effect, which holds that the act of simply observing a phenomenon changes both that which is being observed as well as the observer. I’m going to just be patiently watching for the next few weeks, void of expectation, but mindful of the changes – and any calls to action those changes may prompt.

Ten days ago we had another New Moon – but it happened on the day we were flying from Oahu to Kauai; the middle of the vacation. Also – I had no idea what March’s theme would be. Collaboration had gotten us there – but what would being there bring?

As I look back on the trip though – and at moments, challenges, and adventures – I think the theme right now is Renewal; which seems fitting for this time of year. I realized that this was the first time since 1978 (I think) that I was in Hawaii with no other family than my brother, sister-in-law, and their family. There were shadows here and there of what Sean was like before high school… and a lot of “stuff” that’s gotten in my way in the past 40 years came into perspective.

A lot of it is just too “inside baseball” to post publicly – but sitting at dinner I got a clear sense of “my” family. Through the trip, there were snippets of “you can’t go home again”, but then there were moments that suggested that we’re never really gone. Mahalo nui loa to Bob, Carol, Joshua, and JJ for their ho’okipa and opening my eyes to ohana again.

So as I move through this month, Ostara, and the equinox – I want to try to leave my shadows alone for a while and keep my focus on the light of the sun. It feels like it’s time to bloom again.

I’m a few days late on this one, the new moon was actually Monday afternoon at 4:04pm. It’s funny too – last week while I was away I was convinced I knew what this cycle was going to be. But as it happens so many times, the universe had other ideas.

Last month the topic was Respect. Respecting one another, our choices, our paths, and what we desire and need from each other. This give-and-take of accepting and testing boundaries has a musical component. When you’re playing with other musicians you develop a sense of where someone will want to go, and you learn how to follow them. This is also reciprocated – they sense where you are, where the energy is taking your spirit, and they either join you in flight or keep track of the ground and let you soar. I’ve been finding great joy in this symbiotic nature of music lately.

So for this cycle, rather than go where I thought to go, I’m making a choice to go where I feel to go – and that means this cycle is about Collaboration. For someone who treasures quiet time alone, I’ve come to relish some of the times I get to collaborate with people. Sure, there’s the band and musical endeavors, but what struck me about this last trip to Denver was the different souls I get to collaborate with at work. I was discussing a possible workshop with one friend/co-worker and we were strategizing who would attend if only one of us could, and I said what was in my heart – “we are a two-headed monster” – we were stronger in that setting together. I also got to have lunch with a community of co-worker/friends – four of us talking a bit of work, but then trading favorite books we were reading. This blending of personal and professional – of spirits and tasks – makes for stronger connections and better collaborations. To be free to be joyful, or not – invites others to do the same and builds a space everyone can share equally.

Regardless of the size or context of our communities, where there is success, there is collaboration – and in this cycle, I want to do my best to recognize it and celebrate it – whether I am involved or am just blessed to bear witness to it.

Happy New Year – and welcome to the first new moon of 2019. I started this process two years ago this month; and I like the fact that I can go back and see where I was, what I was facing, and examine how I chose to deal with it. Thanks to those of you who choose to come along for my introspective journey every month!

Last month was about Honor. Honoring commitments, honoring memories, honoring sacrifice, and honoring talents. When I was thinking about what this cycle might hold, it felt like Honor needed some sort of companion. As if to say that Honor is the theory – but I needed to understand the practice. So this cycle will focus on Respect.

A week or so ago, a somewhat obvious lesson presented itself. The details aren’t relevant – but the learning was that we all have different paths, and as similar or compatible as they might seem to be at times, no two paths are identical – and that’s what makes us all unique individuals. It’s like two musicians might play the same instrument in the same song – but they will sound totally different because of who they are and how they play. We don’t all play the same way, and it’s unfair to expect that someone might.

But that expectation is also unfair to ourselves. How much time and energy have we spent waiting, hoping, encouraging – someone to see the benefit of the path we laid out before them? We know it’s right – why can’t they see it? Because they are not us. They do not have our experiences, our history, or our perspective. This doesn’t make them wrong, it just makes them not us.

So this cycle I’ll continue the work of being more respectful of the paths other people choose to walk, particularly when it comes to my interactions with them. I will also respect my self, my path, and my energy by not investing more than is healthy. My history has caused me to stay present ‘just in case’ – but this has historically carried a very high price. It’s time to respect my resources and conserve them for where they are actually needed or can bring the best result.

It’s been a few days since the new moon, but traveling kept me from taking the time to announce this cycle’s intention.

The last cycle was about Change – and there certainly was a lot of it. Not just for me, but for people very close to me. Some of these changes were joyful, some painful, but all evolutionary.

This cycle, I’m choosing to focus on “honor”. Honor as respect, honor as reverence, honor as acknowledgement. For me this takes on the flavor of Matt Smith’s final speech as the 11th Doctor Who:

We all change, when you think about it we’re all different people all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve got to keep moving – so long as you remember all of the people you used to be.

Moffat, S. (Writer), & Payne, J. (Director). (2013, Dec 25). The Time of the Doctor. In S. Moffat & B. Minchin (Executive Producers), Doctor Who. BBC.

Acknowledge the change, respect the evolution, but hold reverence for what came before – because where we’ve been, good and bad, have all been steps to who we are today. I’m grateful for the life I have today – but I wouldn’t be “here” if not for the joys and screw-ups along the way.

This season I think it’s also important to remember to honor the differences we share. That phrasing is intentional – differences we share. Because we might think of someone’s beliefs, habits, or personality as different from our own – but they think the same of us. We share the differences – and honoring that can bridge the gap and unite us.

Sleep deprivation brings interesting philosophy sometimes. 🙂

Whatever holiday you choose to celebrate this season, may it be honored and joyful, and bring you all that you most need!!

Here we are at another new moon, let’s pray that this cycle is better than the last. My last month’s focus was about Choice – and while I fully expected it to move in one direction, I was reminded of the adage that if you want to hear the gods laugh, announce your plans. Instead, last month I was faced with a flurry of decisions, choices, and interactions I couldn’t possibly have prepared for – and maybe that was the lesson. Sometimes we’re placed into untenable circumstances where we need to feel our way through – where no amount of preparation can ever be enough. While I’m, of course, grateful for the lesson – the price last month was way, way too high.

It seems fitting – and somewhat logical – to follow a month focused on Choice with one focused on Change. I’m reminded of the quote from Garth from “Wayne’s World” who said “We fear change” – but there really is no alternative – we all either evolve or we stagnate. I’m also reminded that everything changes – not just us. When we throw a pebble into the water, we change, the pebble changes, the air changes, and the water changes. Or from Star Trek (2009), “I never thought of space as the thing that was moving”.

So this month will be being mindful of the eddies and currents of space and time, and matter and energy. As I move along, I want to remember that everyone else is doing the same thing – and if we bump shoulders or step on toes, I want to try to do it as gently as I’m able.

Another full moon tonight – and another facet draws my attention. This past cycle was about Gratitude – and there was a great deal to be thankful for. The month saw its share of challenges, but it also brought community together for great purpose, it saw the release of the first CD, it saw the celebration of important milestones, and it brought a constant reminder that we are all in a state of change.

It was this sense of change that inspired this cycle’s focus – Choice. When I was first meditating on this I thought it was Decision – but I was assured that it wasn’t as decisive as that… it was flexible, malleable, and fragile. Many of us are blessed to be able to make choices every day – mostly simple ones – what to wear, what to eat, how to socialize and with whom. But there are bigger choices ahead of us this cycle – because the next New Moon falls on the morning of Wednesday, November 7th.

Today I needed to make some uncomfortable choices around how best to pace myself this week – but in the coming weeks my choices will affect not only myself, but my friends & chosen family, my relatives, my job, my spiritual community, and people I don’t even know – but for whom I am called to have compassion.

So this cycle I will be especially mindful of my Choices. To “always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind”.