Nox Amicus

Yesterday the moon was new again, so it was time to pick another area of focus. This past cycle was about Collaboration – and during that time there were ample opportunities to both engage in and reflect on the people in my life I collaborate with. Colleagues in work, friends and chosen family, artistic collaborators, magical collaborators – and it’s interesting when I look at my life that each of those segments overlap – there seems to be artistry, intimacy, and magic in so many things I work on and toward.

The most prominent collaboration right now is the impending CD release – and it’s fitting that today, as we begin a new lunar cycle, is the day that everything has been finalized and the process of submitting for replication and production begins. It’s a very exciting time – and a time that brings forth this next cycle’s focus – Gratitude.

In my liner notes for the CD, as I was thinking of all of the people through all of the years who played a part in bringing this project to fruition, I used the phrase “to mention one would be to mention all”. The oldest song turns forty next year. We’ve been recording for eleven years. Just about every soul I’ve met has encouraged, discouraged, deflated, or inspired me in one way or another over those years – and each instance, whether good or bad, is something to give thanks for. Each step and each misstep brought me here.

So while I’ve tried to maintain an outlook of gratitude for the past five years anyway – this cycle will be a time of personal Thanksgiving for me.

Thank you for reading… Thank you for being.

This past Saturday morning brought the August New Moon – and the wheel turned to the point of my picking another area of focus. Last month was about Honor and it was interesting to see what shapes that took. For the most part, it seemed to be baring witness to events without interaction or interruption. Honoring the paths, cycles, and spirits while not imposing my view onto them. That was harder than I thought it might be – but letting go helped to let some magic in. Which brings us to this cycle.

Honoring the the paths of others last month brought me to focus on Collaboration this month. The two most recent acoustic gigs with the band – last month where I felt I let everyone down, and this month where I was exuberant when we finished. Those subtleties of harmony are a great metaphor – the more I force it, the worse it is – but by relaxing into it, by staying in the moment, by allowing for deviations from the norm, we leave open moments for beauty.

So I choose to look for opportunities to open the doors. The CD is in the final stages of production and I’ve chosen to call in collaborators and ask them for their talents rather than do things I’d simply be forcing. I’m also looking for ways to establish alliances and collaborations in work. My subconscious is also in the mix – with a very strange but empowering dream that coincided with the New Moon this weekend.

This concept of honoring the collaboration of others brings to mind a quote from André Gide: “What another would have done as well as you, do not do it. What another would have said as well as you, do not say it; what another would have written as well, do not write it. Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself – and thus make yourself indispensable.”

For the last lunar cycle I chose ‘Boundaries’ as the topic that needed focus – whether that be identifying them, manifesting them, or dismantling them. It was an enlightening month where I needed to make some pretty profound choices; choices that will shape the next few months and possibly much longer.

In the past few days I’ve been thinking about the reasons behind those choices and around limits that needed to be established. In that reflection, the word that kept coming up in my mind became the theme for this cycle’s intention: Honor.

Honor means different things to different people. To some it’s synonymous with respect, and to other’s it’s more far-reaching than that. For me, honor needs to be intrinsic. It cannot be something you give until it’s recognized as something you have. In order to express honor, I believe we must also live with honor. That’s a lot easier said than done. Living with honor is valuing what we know in our souls to be good and just. It is eschewing arrogance and hubris in favor of compassion and understanding. It is showing restraint so that our convictions won’t trample the convictions of others. To know when to stand firm, but go no further.

I had a conversation recently with someone I was not politically aligned with. We talked, we listened, we debated – neither trying to change the other’s mind, but rather to just understand. This one conversation seemed to be a path toward easing the toxicity our political climate has created. Honor one another and live to the principles you espouse – cultivating honor in ourselves may engender honor in others.

It’s New Moon time again – and this one is easy.

I’ve been moving through some pretty profound changes lately. I know many of you are aware of my affection for the Spoon Theory – and frankly, I haven’t had the spoons for very much these past few weeks. I know that I’m moving toward a series of resolutions, but in the meantime I’m very much where I said I was last night, in a place to “insulate and isolate”, and really, incubate all of the Seans I’m on the cusp of becoming.

So this cycle is all about Boundaries. Healthy boundaries are necessary to give ourselves a safe place to be who we are without having to play roles for other people or fight meaningless battles. They also help to set and measure expectations. For me, it’s also about staking out and defending “home”.

How will this manifest? I don’t know yet. I would say there’s a very good chance that I’m going to get more quiet than I’ve already been. If it comes as a shock that I say I’ve been quiet, then you probably won’t notice anything. But there are big things around the corner that will require energy and focus – and I want to be my own capacitor.

So for now – I don’t mind the walls.

This is another month where up until the moment of publication, I was sure I knew what the new moon intention was going to be – but it’s not time for that one yet.

This past cycle was about Hope. There were moments where it was evident, and other moments where I had to search for it – but overall I recognized that Hope is something we can manifest ourselves, we don’t have to wait for it to appear. We have it within ourselves to bring a change in perception and a change in perspective. There are times when we need help, but looking at the trusted souls in our lives can help us to find whatever might not be obvious in the moment. I’m grateful to all of the souls who helped to show me that Hope surrounds us.

This cycle’s surprise really shouldn’t be. As my focus in creative projects shifts, as I gain a deeper understanding on what my professional role can be, and as I look for moments of revelation in my personal path, the focus of intent for this lunar cycle is Inspiration.

This is a tricky one though – because while I think Hope can be manifested, I’m not so sure you can flip a switch and be inspired. But I do believe we can create the circumstances where we can be visited by inspiration, and I believe that we can look for it more deliberately as well.

Since I’d started to read the Homeric Hymns last month, it seems fitting to close this with an appropriate quote:

“I will begin with the Muses and Apollo and Zeus. For it is through the Muses and Apollo that there are singers upon the earth and players upon the lyre; but kings are from Zeus. Happy is he whom the Muses love: sweet flows speech from his lips.”

It’s 9:37pm and the moon is new – so it’s time again to look back on this past month’s focus, and think about what lies ahead.

During the past month I found that I approach Responsibility differently than I did even a few years ago. I had gotten into the habit of saying “yes” to anything, a holdover behavior from childhood, regardless of whether I could actually accomplish the thing or not. In the past few years, I’ve been a lot more careful about “yes” and have tempered them with a well placed “no”. That balance has worked well.

The lesson seems obvious now, but Responsibility is very much a balancing act between Yes and No – gauging what the different outcomes might look like, weighing the options, and then calling the play. Sometimes “no” may hurt the listener, but as I’ve said for a long time, No makes Yes much more valuable.

All week, leading up to today, I thought I knew what this New Moon cycle was going to be about. I had this post drafted in my head, I looked up definitions and etymology, I was ready to set pixel to screen. As I sat here typing though, it changed.

No – it’s simpler than what I thought it was – and much more valuable.

My focus this lunar cycle is Hope.

Few people know about my battle to regain “Hope”. Several years ago, just using the word in a sentence was ‘strongly discouraged’. “Hope” became “wish” – but you know, they are two very different words. It’s interesting – when you don’t use a word, the intent behind it leaves your life too. Never doubt the power of words – whether they are in use or if they are absent.

So this month will be about Hope in all of its forms. Hope in the promise of a new day, hope in a smile or a hug, hope that keeps us moving forward. — feeling hopeful.

Last Saturday morning brought this month’s new moon, and the time for a new focus for me. January was self-discipline, February was Trust – but as I was moving through trust issues (which I think I’ll be doing for all of my days, just with varying degrees of intention), I made the connection between Trust and Responsibility. Welcome to March.

A few years ago when I read “The Four Agreements” I really was drawn to “be impeccable with your word”. When we say something to someone – whether we’ll call, we’ll write, we’ll join the meeting, complete the status report, whatever – when we agree to do a thing, we’re asking that person to Trust us. To trust that, as they saying goes, our word is our bond. Socrates is attributed to saying “False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.” The book of Numbers (Numbers 30:2, NIV) says “When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.”

This bond, this contract, establishes honor and integrity with the people we live, work, and play with – but also reinforces a sense of integrity in ourselves. We see ourselves as responsible. But this also pushes us to be responsible to ourselves – so we know we’re doing our best to take care of ourselves and our own needs and find that balance between being responsible to ourselves as well as to others.

So yeah – this month is about Responsibility – and has already resulted in some deep questions and some interesting changes. I’m curious to see where moving further down this path takes me.

It’s 4:05pm and the moon is new.

For the past month I’ve tried to be mindful of self-discipline – this has taken the shape of picking my battles, not getting drawn into pointless conflict or controversy, and knowing when to be still. It’s also brought an added focus and determination – a pushing through even when the urge to stop was great. More than that though, the real benefit has been a heightened state of awareness.

This awareness unexpectedly shone its light on concepts of trust recently – so that’s apparently what I’m called to look at for this cycle. I’d said in an earlier post that I used to treat trust as a commodity – if I profess or demonstrate my trust in [x], then they will [y]. That’s not how it works – and tomorrow is an anniversary which reminds me of that lesson.

Five years ago my trust was shattered through months of what can best be described as psychological abuse and gaslighting – brought about by blind trust and my fervent belief that all I had to do is trust more and it would all be okay. But when that fabricated reality was finally taken away, there was nothing of “my” life left to go back to. There was no “me” left. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the decision to live and the start of my path back – and it began with cautiously trusting a beautiful friend who simply asked me to go to a movie.

Through that dark time of my soul I had shut myself off from music. I couldn’t listen to anything. But on my way to go out that night, I knew the gravity of the moment and listened to Elton John’s “Someone Saved My Life Tonight”. It sounds like hyperbole – but it’s literal and accurate. We had a lovely evening of friendship and holding space for one another, and on the way home I realized that there was still something of me that could be valued. I had something to build on. Music came back too… and the song driving home that night was fittingly Fleetwood Mac’s “Gold Dust Woman”. The chorus captured where I had been… and showed me what my next step had to be:

Did she make you cry,
make you break down,
shatter your illusions of love?
And is it over now,
do you know how –
to pick up the pieces and go home?

Fleetwood Mac. Rumours. Warner Bros. Records. 1977. CD.

The darkness began to lift. That beautiful friend pointed me toward picking up the pieces…and I was finally free to start to find my way home. It was a long, long road – but now, five years later my life is bright and abundant.

I picked up the pieces, and found my way home.

This past Tuesday we had our first New Moon of 2018. Throughout last year I set an intention with every new moon to work on some aspect of myself – awareness, forgiveness, self-care, etc. It was a good exercise but I thought I would be done after doing it for a year.

Turns out I’m not done yet.

I spent much of November and December in a whirlwind of life – overseas trips, holidays, time with friends & chosen family, work obligations, musical adventures – all of it wonderful… but it left me a little off-balance. There were times I got cranky, or snippy with people. I always tried to apologize as it happened – but still, I don’t want to shift into that space.

A few years ago my spiritual mentor walked me through David Richo’s “Shadow Dance”. Shadow work helps you to resolve things you don’t like about yourself, or things you’re afraid to admit. We’re all made of Shadow and Light – sometimes it’s hard for us to accept, or even see, both.

I called myself back to review some of the lessons I’d learned from that book – to examine my motivations for some of the things I might think and do. So this lunar cycle is about self-discipline. I want to spend the time being mindful of my actions and reactions, just to be sure they’re all coming from a genuine place of ‘self’. So if I seem to hesitate a little in conversation, or it takes me just a little longer to answer a text or email, I’m just making sure you’re getting the most authentic me I’ve got.

For anyone interested in the Shadow Dance book, the link to Amazon is below.

There was a new moon early this morning, so it’s time for the last New Moon intention for 2017.

It’s been quite a year. I started in January with self-awareness because I knew I wanted to be present for this year – I wanted to deliberately and mindfully watch myself as the wheel turned. Having the concussion in late January moved me to learn many new things about how my brain and consciousness work and work together, so February’s work became about self-discovery. March brought a call for self-forgiveness, while April turned to self-determination. I don’t think it’s an accident that my mother passed away during self-determination. May was consequently about self-expression – having started to truly feel the ability to express myself without censorship. June was self-improvement as we headed off to Greece and July brought self-advocacy as I felt as though I needed to fight for my role in work. August was about learning how to bounce back from within as I explored self-resiliency. In September I was faced with my human-contact-paradox so I started to work on self-attention. October was the beginning of harvesting all of the work of the year, so I began self-reflection. November was about gearing up for the hectic times ahead as I concentrated on self-care.

It’s been an interesting year. Lots of darker times – I had a concussion, a job-loss scare, my mother died, my partner had emergency surgery, two trips to Europe (not negative, just physically taxing), my brother in a health crisis, and shifting relationships. Each one reads as negative at first, until you dig down and realize the lessons learned from each one. Not just silver linings – but things to genuinely be grateful for.

So as the days start to grow longer this week, and as the Moon begins to brighten in the sky – I am choosing this work to be self-celebration. Not in an ego-centric or hubristic way, but just to recognize that good things have happened and smile with gratitude.

Wishing you and yours all the blessings of the returning light. May you all find causes for celebration, and find your spark of hope in any darkness.