Nox Amicus

Read the following poem by Emily Dickinson slowly, first silently, then aloud. Copy out the last line in longhand. Ask yourself honestly how it is true for you. Which phrase of the poem strikes you the most? How does this book ask you “to rise”? What steps are you taking in the practices in this book that help you release your “royal” energy?

We never know how high we are
Till we are asked to rise
And then if we are true to plan
Our statures touch the skies—
The Heroism we recite
Would be the normal thing
Did not ourselves the Cubits warp
For fear to be a king

I think has been very true for me. Until the last year or so I never gave myself enough credit for anything – never allowed myself to dare to be “king”. I would always down-play myself, or worse, sabotage myself. It was always a deep-seated fear of success. But with each incitement to “rise”, it occurred to be how much I was underperforming. Not just my potential, but my desire to perform. Be this in work, in music, in relationships… It wasn’t so much that I was content, I just wasn’t introspective enough to take stock of where I was an recognize that it wasn’t truly where I wanted to be. Although – acknowledging my own wants and needs took a long time to come around to as well.

I think the line that speaks to me the most is:

The Heroism we recite
Would be the normal thing

We tend to tout our achievements – and those of others – when things are noteworthy. However, if we rose to our own potential, then those things we recite as noteworthy now would be commonplace. As we grow, so too grow the expectations of what we might achieve. The phrase “don’t rest on your laurels” feels synonymous here.

We activate our potential when we break out of our sheltering routines and when we let go of our rigid unexamined beliefs. What are these for you?

For me this has always been “ignorance is bliss”. I would shelter myself by fully acknowledging what I didn’t know. “Write a report that does [this]!” and I would simply reply that I didn’t yet have that skill set. This would diminish the expectations and compensate for my own (perceived and self-reinforced) inadequacy.

Then something amazing happened. About ten years ago it dawned on me that the moment I would say “I have no idea how to do this” I would be infused with energy. So much so that I wouldn’t rest until the challenge was conquered. I began to see my “deficiency” as a call to rise up and become proficient. This dovetailed well with “no one ever learned anything by being right all the time”. I think this is one of the things that gave me the confidence to go back to school. “I don’t know” became a tool, or a key – rather than a shield.

I’d always had a tendency to understate myself – it was easier – don’t draw any attention, don’t stand out, and don’t make waves. It was part of my overall psychology. These days it’s more about learning how to gently but effectively stand up and be acknowledged for what I can bring to a situation – and accepting what I can’t.

Look into [the Zodiac] further if it appeals to you. Find the meaning of each of the signs and present it to yourself as a challenge. Notice that each sign has a positive and a negative shadow side.

I found a common source on meanings for astrological signs from Astrology.com and used those as a source to distill short capsules of light/dark qualities of each sign. I can see this becoming a much bigger project over time. For now, this is just a taste.

• Aries
  • Light: Leadership, pioneering spirit
  • Dark: More interested in the next challenge than finishing what they started. Hasty decisions
• Taurus 
  • Light: Deliberate, sensual, loyal
  • Dark: Can be stubborn and get in their own way. Can be argumentative.
• Gemini 
  • Light: Imaginative information sponges. Quick-thinking.
  • Dark: Adaptable to change to the point of indecision. Lack of follow-through.
• Cancer 
  • Light: Nurturing, protecting.
  • Dark: Can be overly emotional and reclusive.
• Leo 
  • Light: Ambitious, creative.
  • Dark: Can be too ambitious and take over where there rule is unwelcome.
• Virgo 
  • Light: Attention to detail, practical.
  • Dark: Can over-think a situation.
• Libra 
  • Light: Balance, communication, compromise
  • Dark: Might become gossipy and lazy. Might be too averse to confrontation.
• Scorpio
  • Light: Curious, intuitive, commanding.
  • Dark: Can be vindictive and self-serving.
• Sagittarius
  • Light: Free-spirited seekers, curious, philosophical.
  • Dark: Impatience, procrastination.
• Capricorn
  • Light: Practical, hard-working, patient.
  • Dark: Egotistical, high expectations of others
• Aquarius
  • Light: Philanthropical, friendly, inventive
  • Dark: Temperamental, eccentric.
• Pieces
  • Light: Spiritual, fluid, compassionate
  • Dark: Melancholy, lethargy, could be too sensitive

Look at the moon tonight. Picture it in all its phases. Compare life to phases.

New

The new moon is dark and without form; much like the spirit of a child. It exists, but hasn’t yet been acted upon so that it can grow. If we look at the Sun as a teacher, then the moon hasn’t developed any knowledge or wisdom in this phase. It waits to be shown the light

Waxing Crescent

As we move to the waxing crescent, we begin to learn and react. In our own lives this is when we first begin to develop concepts of cause and effect, realizing there’s more to our world than just ourselves.

First Quarter

By the first quarter we’re finally moving toward thought. We have some concepts and we’re able to make use of the information we have but not quite enough to truly manifest ourselves.

Waxing Gibbous

To me, this feels like our late adolescence. We can shine our light to the world… we certainly don’t have all the answers, but what we reflect is bright enough to illuminate some of the world around us.

Full

We’ve arrived. Fully actualized and ready for anything – showing ourselves at the peak of our ability. We know this can’t last, but we savor these moments as much as we know how to.

Waning Gibbous

We’ve seen our peak – but are still present enough to leverage all we are with the wisdom of where we’ve been. We might not shine as brightly as we once did, but we’re still a force to be reckoned with.

Third Quarter

We’re starting to slow down. We know our best days are likely behind us, but we can still shine our light into corners that need to be illuminated. Our wisdom, and ability to convey it, are entwined now

Waning crescent

We’re tired. We had a good, long run – but it’s time to reflect on where we’ve been and what we’ve accomplished – and lend what energies we have left to whatever will come next.

Today, on the last day of these posts, I’m grateful for:

1. Honesty. Be it with ourselves or with others, honesty truly is the best policy. Sometimes we might not see our truths immediately, and there is always room for personal growth – but my life has been profoundly better since I expressed that “I’d rather go down in flames wrapped in the truth than last a little longer in a lie.” Risk. Be vulnerable. Have twenty seconds of courage. Be whole in this moment.
2. Compassion. Again, with ourselves and with others. Looking at the world with deliberate eyes of compassion has formalized an aspiration I’ve had for a long time. We’re human, we react, and sometimes in not-so-nice ways – but if we ask ourselves ‘am I showing compassion in this moment?’ we can shake off a lot of the unnecessary spikiness and be more at peace with the Universe.
3. Gratitude. I didn’t realize how powerful it was – and that all good things stem from our ability to be grateful. I’m grateful to my sister who set me on this path when I didn’t think I had anything left to be grateful for. I thank my chosen family for helping to keep me true to it. I thank Sandra Clark for tagging me to take part in this week of public gratitude – it felt good to spend a week putting all these things into perspective.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. Teachers and mentors. No matter where we are in our lives there are those who we look to for guidance, wisdom, and insight. I’m very grateful for those you guide me on my paths, and I am blessed for the opportunities to be that for others.
2. My health. Yes – the ongoing dental issues are a fact of life, the the anxiety is something that needs to be watched – but I am very grateful that I am in good physical and (finally) mental health.
3. Landlords. This morning a broken hot water faucet in the kitchen, this evening – brand new kitchen faucet. Free but for the cost of a phone call. Sure I wish I had the investment a house could bring – but I traded that for grad school. There are still advantages to apartment living.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. Collaborations. Whether they’re artistic, professional, spiritual, or just for fun – the blending of multiple souls toward a common purpose is a beautiful thing to be a part of.
2. My decision to go to grad school. I agonized about it for months, but finally “it felt right”. Those two years cost a lot, personally and financially – but it made me better at whatever I put my talents toward.
3. My intuition. I was blind to it for a time – wandering in a maze of loss, self-doubt, and fear. Gratitude helped to heal those wounds and now that inner voice is clear and strong again. This time, I’m trying really hard to stay mindful of the blessing that it is.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. My spiritual path. I can’t explain it to some people, and won’t justify it to others – but it’s what moves me through my days and has taught me lessons of peace, compassion, and acceptance.
2. Exposure to different cuisines and the willingness to try then. When pressed for a “finger food” recipe I chose to remember a wonderful amuse–bouche and came pretty darn close to nailing the taste. Grateful too for warm souls willing to try my experiments.
3. Exercises to ground and center. Whether it’s repelling a panic attack, focusing during an assignment, or bringing a spiritual gravitas – I’m thankful to all the souls past and present who have taught me how to be in this moment.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. My car. I sometimes take for granted the mobility I have. Whether it’s errands, work, or time with people I care about, Sydney gets me there.
2. Pluto in Retrograde. I’ve been studying astrology more lately and realized Pluto has been in retrograde since April. What that means in general, and how it applies to my own life, has been interesting to examine. I’m grateful for all the lessons that has represented.
3. Accessible grocery stores. I went shopping today and needed some very specific ingredients. An Asian grocery near my post office had a hard to find spice blend, and Wegmans came through for me again. They didn’t have what I wanted on the shelf and I was prepared to just go to the other one (two Wegmans, equal distances from home apart, one has to be grateful for that!). The checkout person asked if I found everything, I explained my situation, and they tracked the product down – saving me a trip. I expressed gratitude at the time but it bears repeating. As we help, so are we helped.

Today I’m grateful for:

1. My job. it was literally days after I started my gratitude journal last year that I got a blind call from a guy in Denver who was working with an American division of a German company with an office 30 minutes from me. I seriously wouldn’t trade this job for anything – long hours and stress are part of it – but gratitude and appreciation abound too.
2. Helpful people at CVS. It’s allergy season, and my meds are on backorder – but I had the presence of mind to suggest an alternative they could accommodate. Yay breathing!
3. Self-worth. I existed a long, long time without much of it. If you respect yourself it’s a lot easier to let good things happen in your life.

Today I’m grateful for the following:

1. My friends, family, and chosen family. Your love, faith, and support have made the bright days brighter and then dark ones bearable. Thank you for helping me see that beauty in the little things.
2. The Universe. That means a lot of things to a lot of people, but for me it’s the totality of The All. From the lessons, big and small, to the gifts of every day – You have taught me the power of gratitude.
3. Music. Which has opened doors, prompted lasting friendships, and has provided both a brilliant soundtrack and the rhythm to carry me through.

In March of this year many things in my life changed, seemingly irrevocably. While I know that I precipitated much of the difficulty, I still felt like the facts and context weren’t clear, and I felt compelled to set the record straight.

That compulsion lasted about 48 hours – then I got an unmistakable message from the Universe to “sit down and shut up”. This took on the feeling of the scene in the first Austin Powers movie where Dr. Evil tries to silence his son Scott. Zip it… 

So I sat down, and I shut up, but I decided that I’d wait a lunar cycle and then stand back up again – and that my forum would be this blog. 

Again, the universe had different ideas.

Now it’s June. We’re three lunar cycles removed from those dark, early days and I find I’m surprisingly content in my relative silence. My story is being told without need for my words – and I’m actually fine with that.

But the blog needs to be here – the redesign is something I’m proud of, and the mission is something I believe in – but it’s simply not time to delve into deeper personal truths yet.

So I liken this to America’s space program in the early 1960s. First there will be short sub-orbital flights to make sure the basic systems work; later we’ll add more advanced features before finally we’re able to leave orbit and explore the nature of this Universe.

Fitting then that Mercury was the first manned NASA program, that Mercury is the messenger god, and that Mercury goes retrograde this coming Saturday.

The Universe is urging me to find stillness – so be it. I’ll post back here again when waiting is filled.

I read this quote today and it stopped me in my tracks:

“Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep…feel it all – look around you- all of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”
~ Amelia Olson via hellogiggles.com

To get into the hows and whys of the significance is more than I care to do right now. It feels like everything is in a state of flux – but I want to hold this space, and I want to remember this.