Nox Amicus

It’s 4:05pm and the moon is new.

For the past month I’ve tried to be mindful of self-discipline – this has taken the shape of picking my battles, not getting drawn into pointless conflict or controversy, and knowing when to be still. It’s also brought an added focus and determination – a pushing through even when the urge to stop was great. More than that though, the real benefit has been a heightened state of awareness.

This awareness unexpectedly shone its light on concepts of trust recently – so that’s apparently what I’m called to look at for this cycle. I’d said in an earlier post that I used to treat trust as a commodity – if I profess or demonstrate my trust in [x], then they will [y]. That’s not how it works – and tomorrow is an anniversary which reminds me of that lesson.

Five years ago my trust was shattered through months of what can best be described as psychological abuse and gaslighting – brought about by blind trust and my fervent belief that all I had to do is trust more and it would all be okay. But when that fabricated reality was finally taken away, there was nothing of “my” life left to go back to. There was no “me” left. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the decision to live and the start of my path back – and it began with cautiously trusting a beautiful friend who simply asked me to go to a movie.

Through that dark time of my soul I had shut myself off from music. I couldn’t listen to anything. But on my way to go out that night, I knew the gravity of the moment and listened to Elton John’s “Someone Saved My Life Tonight”. It sounds like hyperbole – but it’s literal and accurate. We had a lovely evening of friendship and holding space for one another, and on the way home I realized that there was still something of me that could be valued. I had something to build on. Music came back too… and the song driving home that night was fittingly Fleetwood Mac’s “Gold Dust Woman”. The chorus captured where I had been… and showed me what my next step had to be:

Did she make you cry,
make you break down,
shatter your illusions of love?
And is it over now,
do you know how –
to pick up the pieces and go home?

Fleetwood Mac. Rumours. Warner Bros. Records. 1977. CD.

The darkness began to lift. That beautiful friend pointed me toward picking up the pieces…and I was finally free to start to find my way home. It was a long, long road – but now, five years later my life is bright and abundant.

I picked up the pieces, and found my way home.

This past Tuesday we had our first New Moon of 2018. Throughout last year I set an intention with every new moon to work on some aspect of myself – awareness, forgiveness, self-care, etc. It was a good exercise but I thought I would be done after doing it for a year.

Turns out I’m not done yet.

I spent much of November and December in a whirlwind of life – overseas trips, holidays, time with friends & chosen family, work obligations, musical adventures – all of it wonderful… but it left me a little off-balance. There were times I got cranky, or snippy with people. I always tried to apologize as it happened – but still, I don’t want to shift into that space.

A few years ago my spiritual mentor walked me through David Richo’s “Shadow Dance”. Shadow work helps you to resolve things you don’t like about yourself, or things you’re afraid to admit. We’re all made of Shadow and Light – sometimes it’s hard for us to accept, or even see, both.

I called myself back to review some of the lessons I’d learned from that book – to examine my motivations for some of the things I might think and do. So this lunar cycle is about self-discipline. I want to spend the time being mindful of my actions and reactions, just to be sure they’re all coming from a genuine place of ‘self’. So if I seem to hesitate a little in conversation, or it takes me just a little longer to answer a text or email, I’m just making sure you’re getting the most authentic me I’ve got.

For anyone interested in the Shadow Dance book, the link to Amazon is below.

There was a new moon early this morning, so it’s time for the last New Moon intention for 2017.

It’s been quite a year. I started in January with self-awareness because I knew I wanted to be present for this year – I wanted to deliberately and mindfully watch myself as the wheel turned. Having the concussion in late January moved me to learn many new things about how my brain and consciousness work and work together, so February’s work became about self-discovery. March brought a call for self-forgiveness, while April turned to self-determination. I don’t think it’s an accident that my mother passed away during self-determination. May was consequently about self-expression – having started to truly feel the ability to express myself without censorship. June was self-improvement as we headed off to Greece and July brought self-advocacy as I felt as though I needed to fight for my role in work. August was about learning how to bounce back from within as I explored self-resiliency. In September I was faced with my human-contact-paradox so I started to work on self-attention. October was the beginning of harvesting all of the work of the year, so I began self-reflection. November was about gearing up for the hectic times ahead as I concentrated on self-care.

It’s been an interesting year. Lots of darker times – I had a concussion, a job-loss scare, my mother died, my partner had emergency surgery, two trips to Europe (not negative, just physically taxing), my brother in a health crisis, and shifting relationships. Each one reads as negative at first, until you dig down and realize the lessons learned from each one. Not just silver linings – but things to genuinely be grateful for.

So as the days start to grow longer this week, and as the Moon begins to brighten in the sky – I am choosing this work to be self-celebration. Not in an ego-centric or hubristic way, but just to recognize that good things have happened and smile with gratitude.

Wishing you and yours all the blessings of the returning light. May you all find causes for celebration, and find your spark of hope in any darkness.

There was a New Moon last Saturday morning – but this is the first opportunity I’ve really had to write about the work for this cycle. December is going to be crazy for me – I think I figured that I’ll be away from home for 13 days in this cycle – including six aircraft take-offs & landings and over 1,000 miles of driving. It’s all good stuff, and they are all blessings… stamina and resiliency are going to be tough.

So this cycle is about self-care. All around me are too many examples of what happens when you don’t pay attention to what your mind, body, and spirit need. So these few weeks will see a lot of my trying to implement the things I’ve learned in the past ten months and find ways to re-charge through all of the good things that lie ahead.

For each new moon this year I’ve chosen a different facet of myself to try to develop. Last month was a little weird – I tried to find healthy ways of being attentive to myself rather than relying on unhealthy behaviors. It was good – and will continue to be – but it left me with a lot of questions about what motivates me.

So as we start to wind down this calendar year – I’m going to make this cycle about self-reflection. Taking the time to examine the efforts of the previous nine cycles and really digging in to what I need most from the last two.

We had a New Moon very early Wednesday morning, but this is my first opportunity to write about this cycle’s intention. Last cycle’s theme of resiliency – bouncing up off the mat – was a good one. I used the prior cycle’s tools of self advocacy and tried to communicate clearly and concisely on a few occasions. It’s still a new skill, and I did fall a number of times – but, resiliency – we get back up.

This past weekend’s trip to LA pointed to this cycle’s work. I have a “human contact paradox” that many of you are familiar with. I want and like human contact, but I also have wicked bad social anxiety – I guess I’m like a cat that way, pet me until I scratch you. I was reminded while meditating of “you must find within before you can find without” – so okay, how do I give myself the attention that contact with others conveys? My hope is that taking away my “need” will help to make each interaction more balanced and genuine. I’m also learning that being attentive to others might require a change in my own paradigm as well. So this cycle’s theme is self-attention, with a side order of mindfulness of the energies conveyed in my attention to others.

Another new moon and another point of focus. Given the current trials with my thumb and knee, I was tempted to go for self-healing – but that would have been wrong. While I do play a part in my healing, it’s never solely up to me.

But how I choose to bounce back is. How I recover from physical injury, how I recover from emotional hurt, how I strive for new heights as I embrace the prior cycle’s theme of self-advocacy.

So this cycle holds a theme of Self-Resiliency. As I work to let go of some powerful ghosts, as I dedicate myself to new levels of spiritual growth, as I tend to the needs of this physical vessel, I need to build the space for recovery, for rebound, and look to harvest the blessings I’ve worked to sow the seeds for.

I struggled a bit with this cycle’s New Moon intention. I’ve moved through self-awareness, self-discovery, self-forgiveness, self-determination, self-expression, and this past cycle’s focus on self-improvement. Greece helped a lot in showing what I was physically capable of, and what still needs to be changed. The trip also broadened my understanding and appreciation for my spiritual life.

I had thought this cycle might have been spent basking in the work done so far – but I’m finding I’m not quite finished with the themes of self-determination and self-expression – be it personal or professional, I’m still reluctant to truly speak up for myself.

This has been a year of really being mindful of the steps on my path, and tonight brings me to another New Moon intention to set. This year I’ve moved through self-awareness, self-discovery, self-forgiveness, self-determination, self-expression – and with this cycle I move to self-improvement. I have a better sense of myself, my strengths, and limitations and I feel like I have some degree of self-determination and that I’m developing the skills to express it. So now, how to improve by building on all of that. The enlightenment I hope to get from the Greece trip feels like a great first step!!

This afternoon brings another New Moon, and my evolutionary journey through 2017 continues – each new moon brings a different facet of myself to pay attention to or work on. January was self-awareness, February was self-discovery, March was self-forgiveness, and April was self-determination. Interesting that about half-way through self-determination my mother passed away.

I was involved in a very powerful and personally profound healing ritual at the retreat over the weekend. Building on the themes that it uncovered, this lunar cycle’s work will revolve around self-expression. I’m not sure what form that will take yet – but we learn as we go!