Nox Amicus

Has anyone else noticed that being active on Fet is very much like having a personal publicist who’s constantly strung-out on caffeine?

Several people have noticed recent changes to my profile, and while that’s not bad – I’ve gotten a few very surprised emails. I guess this is a natural result from having a profile that was stagnant for so long, and a by-product of my being in a place where I’m refining what it is I want and don’t want. It’s a process right now, and there will be more changes to come I’m sure – so keep your seat-belts on.

But it was the most recent “Nox_Amicus is looking for a relationship.” that generated some immediate attention, so I feel the need to add some context. If you know me, you know that I’ve been out of a relationship for some time now, and had labeled myself “emotionally unavailable” while I focused on the transition and came to terms with what I genuinely want from a partner, and what I’m prepared and able to offer. This week I got to the point where I recognized that I am “open” to the possibilities of a relationship – though I don’t know that I’m actively seeking one right now. Although I must acknowledge that karma and fate are interesting allies – so if they present me with someone, I am open to ‘dating’ (as opposed to just looking for a play partner).

The Fet profile didn’t really reflect that, but since there’s no option to say I’m “open” to a relationship, “looking” will have to do.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress…

I’m coming to the conclusion that Alt is not the best place to meet people.

Friends, sure – I’ve met some awesome people here and have been friends with them for years. I’ve found play partners and intimate relationships, but nothing that really sticks.

So I find myself wondering, as a budding friend said, if I too have been putting the cart before the horse. Sure – we all want BDSM compatibility, we yearn for it, and in many cases need it to complete us. Let’s face it, you could be six months into a ‘vanilla’ relationship before you even show your partner that door to the darker side of your soul. Isn’t it easier to just make it part of the criteria up-front?

I used to think so. I used to think – yes, BDSM compatibility first, then let’s hope there can be friendship and love. Now, I think it’s time to try the flip-side. To introduce BDSM to vanilla, rather than temper BDSM with vanilla.

To that end though, I think I may have gone overboard. I’m now on four different dating websites – match, chemistry, datingdna (for the iPhone fans), and OkCupid!

For those of you who may be in the same boat though – OkC seems to be the most kink friendly site out there. Their compatibility questions do venture into the realm of kink. Nothing like the Alt checklist, mind you… but it is there.

That’s where the journey is now… I’ll post here if anything develops and let you know how the grand experiment goes.