Nox Amicus

There have been a lot of things swirling in the life of Nox in the past six months. Dickens wrote about the best of times and the worst of times – and it’s true – nothing is absolute. There have been some truly bleak moments in the past few months, but sprinkled in the darkness have been warming rays of light – just enough to provide some assurance that there is life outside the catacombs.

I’ve felt like I’ve been in a nexus of very dark tunnels, stretching like spokes in different directions. When I would take a step in one direction, I would sense that salvation lay in a different one – in the end, I realize the best I’ve been able to do is walk around in circles.

I had some time last weekend to try to regain some perspective. There’s nothing like fifteen hours in a car to give your mind the freedom it needs to wander, and wander it did. In the end, I came to the simple realization that there are some things you cannot change.

We touch souls every day – with every smile, every action, every word, and every silence we help to color in the lines of someone else’s picture, even as we’re coloring our own. We learn, we absorb, we shape, and we grow. But it isn’t just what we do or don’t do, how we’re perceived is just as important in shaping our reality. We all want to be the warming rays of light – but there are times when we simply can’t help but be each other’s tunnels. It all comes back to balance.

I have found, for me, that the path out of my tunnel lies in accepting myself. Finally acknowledging that I cannot be all things to all people and that I cannot always adequately balance what I need with what everyone around me needs. Lastly, accepting the flaws in myself that dictate that I simply can’t save everyone.

This metaphor took on a tragic truth this week. While I was sitting in my apartment on Thursday, closing out my work day, I heard a pop and saw a flash of light. When I went down the stairs I saw the workers who had been installing the new roof milling around. One of them was prone on the ground, and there was an aluminum ladder whose base was in flames. I grabbed my fire extinguisher and called 911 – but the gentleman on the ground didn’t make it.

I’ve been wrestling with that all night last night and all day today. As I recounted the incident to the investigators today I came to the realization that there simply wasn’t any more I could have done. The worker was probably gone when the ladder touched the power line. Still… I want there to have been more I could do, I wanted him to go home to his family. Just trying to get by in the world shouldn’t lead to that.

Acceptance is hard. Acceptance of an unwanted outcome, acceptance of our own limitations and frailties, and even acceptance of one another and the darkness and light we all carry with us. The best we can manage sometimes is just trying to understand, and having faith that the sun will warm us once again.

Wishing you peace and warm rays of light to guide you from your tunnels.