Nox Amicus

A few months ago I posted the bulk of this on my Fetlife profile – but as I continue the process of reclaiming the comfort of my own skin, I want to resurrect this blog and start cross-posting here. There are some changes in my life which make this a day of rebirth – and I want to honor all of those changes. and this day.

So, we begin again.

Until the past few months, Nox had been nothing more than a screen name for a number of years. Sure – when I wasn’t in a relationship I’d get together and play with friends infrequently… but for the most part, I was locked down in school, or grad school, or fighting for my job, or losing it and re-defining myself professionally. It was always something, it was always “life”.

Earlier in 2013 a trusted soul said “you were much more like Nox when we met (three years ago) than you are now”. She was right. I was looking at myself and I seemed to have lost SO much of what made me “me”. The edge was gone, the fire was gone, the passion was long gone. Sure – there were a lot of factors involved, but the bottom line was that I’d lost myself.

This past summer I was walking around town with a good friend who was telling me about her astral experiences, and she used the phrase “aspect of yourself”. The conversation and context are not important here, but she got me thinking about the big question – who am I?

I actually wrestled with that for a while. I had completely rebranded myself professionally, I was crawling out of the worst break-up I’d ever had, I was consequently incapable of trust, I wasn’t a student for the first time in 7 years. Who was I??

The answer snuck up on me slowly – but persistently. I am Nox. We write these profiles to describe ourselves to the world – but don’t they also serve to remind us of our own truths? I went to THE’s Beltane last year for the first time, and opened the doors to my sexual self-expression again. I then attended my first Rope Camp and realized that there’s been a crucial component missing from my life for a long while.

So I’ve been active on both CollarMe and Fet again recently – and made my first trip down to The Crucible this fall. It was a Dungeon 101 class – nothing I hadn’t known before – but at the same time, it’s been long enough that starting with the basics was the responsible thing to do. Their exploratorium was pretty great as well. (I discovered I may have a use for a violet wand after all!) My companion also enjoyed her first taste of the vacuum bed. But it was the open play afterwards that fueled me. I didn’t play that night – but realized that I truly need to. Need is an interesting word, certainly – but it fits here.

What does all this mean? That over the next weeks and months I’ll be coming back around again – a munch here or there, or perhaps another event or two. The journey of self-discovery is on-going – and there’s no guarantee the Nox from 7 years ago is the same as now… but life is about the journey – and as much as possible, enjoying the ride!