Nox Amicus

It’s been a crazy month – it seems like there’s so much to write about that I don’t even know where to start.

In December of 2014 there was an incident that caused me to really retreat into myself. To anyone other than me it probably would have been no big deal – but it had, in one move, undermined a lot of the healing and recovering I’d been doing for the two years prior to that. I shut down, I went back into therapy, and I tried to pull it all together… but I was drifting and uncertain. My sexuality was pretty much dormant.

Through 2015 I tried dating… I tried everything I could to kick-start myself. I could love – I could have deep, deep feelings… but the trust to be intimate was pretty much gone. Despite this, I managed to meet some wonderful souls who helped affirm my sense of self-worth despite the challenges I was working through.

Almost a year after the incident, in November of 2015, I reestablished contact with a friend who means more to me than I can express. We’d drifted apart in the darkness that was my 2012 – but meeting over a drink in a divey bar in Clementon, we “saw” one another again. Those moments – partly being in the presence of her energy – and partly looking back through her eyes at who I used to be decades ago, started giving me clues to find my way home.

In February of 2016 my loving, patient, and amazing partner and I attended the Poly Living National Polyamory Conference. Our goal was to try to find people who did ‘poly’ the way we do – with love, compersion, and compassion for all the metamours. It was during that weekend that I met a soul who was forging through her own struggles – there was a quick connection, but then I dropped the ball and didn’t exchange information. I wasn’t there to pick anyone up, but I regretted not making more lasting contact. My partner encouraged me to try – so I reached out to my old friend, who was able to leverage her network to help. Consent for contact was granted and I’d made a beautiful new friend. The feelings of wanting, requesting, and being granted contact felt good… and healing.

In mid-March I took part in a coaching workshop designed to help men form more intimate connections of communication with one another. There were a lot of things that day that caused me to recoil from the exercises – but I held the space for the group and examined why I was feeling the way I was. I reasoned that the exercises were manufactured – and conducted in a non-organic environment – everything felt too forced. So when you’re environment doesn’t lend itself to organic intimacy, what do you do?

It was that day that I realized that Intimacy Begins With Intent. It’s really so basic – but sometimes I need to see it in black and white before I grok it. Intent. It’s been a word that has been used against me, a word I disliked because of those associations… but in those moments in that artificial environment, I came back to the realization that we can manifest our own realities. We just need to decide to.

In late April of this year I attended THE Beltane for my fourth year. In previous years – there was always ‘something’ that prevented me from truly being present for the sacred sexuality that Beltane offered. This year, as I prepared to go, I was really wondering why I was going. I was going solo, there was no other agenda this time but being… but it was an opportunity to ‘be’ with my chosen family – for what might have been their last time at that event. It was my intimacy with them that pulled me down I-95, and my decision to bask in that – for all of us – that made the path sure.

It’s amazing what dropping your expectations and being open to what the Universe might present can do for you. I was one quarter of a spontaneous foursome in a Mindful Kissing and Foreplay class that blew fresh air through the closed doors of my sexuality. Those three beautiful souls helped me complete the circle of healing that’s been over a year in the making. Never, ever underestimate the power of a kiss.

Beltane also brought a bright new soul into my life. We remind ourselves how soon and early it is, but already she has made a mark on my life – and I am ever grateful.

So – the title is “…I’m smelting…”. Smelting is a process to extract base metals from ore. Through the process of high heat and chemicals, impurities are burned off and we’re left with the metal we were mining for. Through this past year there have been a number of incidents that have helped me process myself from the ore that I had become those years ago, into the metal I am today. There still needs to be polishing – and I don’t even know that the smelting is finished yet… but I’m seeing myself for who I am, and liking that I’m becoming who I aspire to be.

I am so grateful to everyone – past, present, and future – who have been kind, compassionate, caring, and genuine as I’ve moved through these years. I truly believe the best is yet to come!!!