Nox Amicus

I’m sitting in an interesting place these days.

About 6 1/2 years ago I was presented with the notion that I could enter into an Open Relationship. We’d talked about poly, how my partner at the time had practical experience, and while I’d had none, I felt like the option of unlimited love was a thing I’d been chasing my whole life.

One way I tend to refer to that relationship is as my “poly-goes-boom” experience. It was horrific, but it showed me by contrast how I wanted to be poly. If it was going to work for me – there had to be clear, open, and adult communication. There couldn’t be retreat in the face of upsetting your partner. Partnerships were supposed to weather those storms together, or they weren’t true partnerships.

A few months after that debacle, I found someone who was also wounded… she was dating casually and “taking the year for herself”. Neither of us had any business falling in love, or being in a relationship… so I’d mention Poly to her and basically said ‘under this framework, we can have both’. She approached her current partner who was receptive to the idea, and that journey began.

Through a number of deep and caring relationships on her part, we kept talking. We weathered storms, we got hurt and then helped one another heal. We were partners concurrent with her other relationships.

That was tested earlier this year when she fell hard for someone just before February’s PolyCon. We had both said we would wish each other love if we found someone we needed to leave the other for… to shift, or even close our relationship – I had the fear that moment had come. It was a real test – and for a while I doubted that I could truly be poly. Poly in the face of dating is one thing, poly in the face of Love – actual polyAMORY is different. But we talked, we were vulnerable, she was honest and we walked through it all together.

Through these years I’ve dated – sometimes successfully, sometimes not. There are souls I still value deeply and count as cherished loved ones even though, for whatever reason, ‘dating’ didn’t quite work for one or both of us. But to establish something more than just dating… I just didn’t know if I could open myself up that much. I knew I wanted to – I just didn’t know if I could push my own edges far enough.

But now I sit wondering at the possibilities. Looking at the landscape of my life, and the quality of my heart, and feeling like ‘yes, I really can do this’. It’s still early, and taking this slow is proving to be a beautiful journey itself. Much like driving a long country road – you don’t know when the next beautiful vista is going to appear over the hill… but take your time, and let the wonders unfold as they will.

This has been a great year of healing – and some of it has been chronicled here. I am so, so very grateful for everyone who has been part of the journey, and part of the healing… and I feel remarkably blessed to be where I am right now.