Nox Amicus

This past Tuesday afternoon the lunar cycle was new again, so it’s time for another of these posts. I’d like to thank everyone who tunes in every month for these. They’re just mileposts on my journey, but posting them here helps me feel accountable – so thank you for your witness.

Last month was about clarity, the need for it and the search for it. The trip to Australia was exactly what no doctor ordered, but exactly what I needed in the way it unfolded. It was physical endurance, it was the exploration of other cultures, it was immersion in the creative arts, and it was an exercise in self-reliance and self-expression.

So what’s this month about? The word is “resolve”. It’s a complicated word, whether used as a noun or a verb. In many ways, the journey through clarity helped me resolve some lingering questions and self-doubts, and that kind of resolution can only carry-over and make us stronger – providing us with resolve.

That’s where I find myself today. I have had a tendency my whole life to make compromises I didn’t really need to make. My own issues from childhood led me to be the one who had to make sure everyone else was okay. No one asked me to be that, but it fell to me. My sister used to call me Switzerland because I was always the one not taking sides and hosting the peace talks. In doing that, my resources were always expended outside of myself.

I’m going to start to back away from that. It’s not my job to make sure “everyone” and “everything” is okay. I resign. I will fight injustice, I will support my friends and family as best I can, and I will battle for what I am passionate about – but I’m now in the business of rationing my energies. I can’t be all things to all people anymore.

That’s going to mean changes. It’s also going to be rocky as I make that adjustment because I know I am going to alienate people. But 53 years is long enough to worry about making someone upset.

What does it look like? A lot more time of me doing things that feed my soul and less time fulfilling self-imposed obligations that don’t make my life a better place. Personally, spiritually, musically, professionally – everything needs to be examined for its cost versus its benefit.

There are still going to be compromises, and there are still going to be some times when I will do things because someone else’s need outweighs my own. But the important thing now is that I will also guarantee myself a seat at this table.

Micky sang a song during sound-check that spoke to this shift. It was “As We Go Along” by Carole King & Toni Stern, and the chorus begins:

Open your eyes, get up off your chair
There’s so much to do in the sunlight

Let the sun shine!!