Nox Amicus

On Saturday afternoon the moon was new again; time to take stock of where I’ve been and what might be next.

The last cycle was about Presence. Through it, I tried to focus more on being in moments instead of fearing them or reacting to them without intention. I wasn’t all that great with it, to be honest. The band had a gig a couple weeks ago and I just couldn’t hold the moments – I was thrown off way too easily. Work has also been a stressor. There is continuing and abundant pressure (beyond the mere workload) – however well-intentioned – that is definitely triggering. I had a one-on-one call with my supervisor’s supervisor on Thursday and felt like, while close to the moment, I may have been a little too high strung. In many areas of my life, I feel like I’m playing defense. Sometimes for cause, and sometimes because of the fear that yielding anything will cause a loss of self.

So this cycle’s theme will be Voice. If I don’t use and believe in my own voice then how can I ever expect anyone else to? I have to speak without fear of consequence – so long as what I speak is true in my own heart. This is true in work where I am finishing a document today that could lay the groundwork for everything I do for the next two years. I am beginning a new creative project tomorrow where I will accept myself as a subject matter expert and produce YouTube videos, I will also work to meet my friends and the band with a fuller and more assured voice.

I’ve been biting my tongue in my sleep again – I can’t help but think that the metaphor is actually real. Let’s stop that now.

No song this month – instead, I realized that my vocal isolation booth (closet) had turned into emergency storage, meaning I couldn’t record even if I did have something to say. That’s changed now. The lyric page might be empty, but that just means the possibilities are limitless.

Another new moon greeted us on Friday morning so it’s time to see where I’ve been and where I’m headed.

The theme for the last cycle was “Elevation”. A lot of things in August were calling me to step up my game both personally and professionally. A major presentation for work could have long term ramifications on my current position, and I’m grateful that I was able to live up to my own expectations on that one. The company is going to do what they’re going to do – but to borrow a baseball analogy, I’d rather go down swinging than watch a pitch fly by. I definitely put the ball in play, so we’ll see how the fielders do.

I realized I needed to think a little bit bigger personally too. I needed to break out of my comfort zone – or really, define a new one, and reach beyond myself more. For the most part, this was successful. Basically, don’t be so quick with being self-protective, allow the option of “yes” as opposed to defending with “no”.

This month though, it’s time to pull back a little bit, so the theme this cycle is “Presence”. There were a lot of big moments in August – all summer, really – but I feel like I spent more time ‘managing’ them rather than fully ‘living’ in them. I notice this with the band a lot – I’m so hyper-vigilant about everything – my playing, the sound system, the state of the audience – that I don’t spend enough time living in the moments that I savor so much. So what does it take to be more present? What does it take to hold the space – not just for people I care for – but for myself as well? How can I be more in concert with everything, rather than just being subject to its whims?

This weekend is a good start for that – just quiet stillness for a couple days before life, work, and the band begin again. It’s been nice to catch my breath and have the opportunity to see some of the places I could have been better in the past month – and to try to strike the balance between staying grounded and moving forward.