Nox Amicus

At 12:13am (EST) on December 26th the moon is new again, so in the glow of all of the seasonal holidays of rebirth and renewed light (Yule, Hanukah, Christmas), it’s time for another moment of reflection.

This past cycle the focus was one of Reconciliation. When I wrote last month and announced the theme, I’d said “Reconciliation – in this context. Not actually ‘rejoining’ but more ethereal than that. A state where things fall into balance, where you realize that while the road not taken would have been awesome, and the road you chose had more than its share of bumps, you ended up exactly where you were supposed to be.” The manifestation of that this month was similar to how the band has begun to load equipment into venues – we pull everything from the cars and stack it by the front door – staged for the final step of loading everything in. The month’s reconciliation felt like moving things into place – closer than where they’d been, but still not quite where they needed to go. Like seeing the fulcrum and seeing the lever – but not quite putting the system together.

On Yule I took part in a guided meditation where I was given the theme for this cycle – Balance. Balance is taking the gear inside. Balance is putting the lever on the fulcrum. Balance is putting the system in motion. I was led to a point of view that I was straining too much for the light. With respect, that’s a choice. There is abundant darkness in the world and I take great care to not make it any dimmer. But – I have to acknowledge the duality in myself, and I have to go back to my shadow work that dictates that there is value in the shadows. That striving for light is fine – but don’t ignore the fact that there’s darkness. Don’t try so hard to make everything perfect that you end up doing more damage than if you’d just let things be. For me, finding Balance in the dark will involve a lot of acceptance. I can’t fix everything, I can’t keep everyone happy all the time, I can’t do everything right. This goes against some core programming – but it’s past time for an upgrade.

A few years ago a spiritual sister kept trying to tell me “more feeling, less thinking”. While I’ve gotten better, I still get caught in my own vapor lock. I think the path toward balance weaves through this labyrinth created between the heart and mind.

“But at night when all the world’s asleep
the questions run too deep for such a simple man”

(c) 1979 Roger Hodgson

May we all find answers to our questions, and find our light from our darkness.