Nox Amicus

On Monday morning the moon was New again – the last New Moon for 2020. Yes, we’re starting to talk about “the last [x] for 2020”.

During the last cycle, I focused on Motivation. I had acknowledged that Words of Affirmation were high on my list of sources of Motivation, but what else? And how could I be more self-sufficient in my Motivation? How can I make the most of the gift of time?

I ended up spending a lot of the last cycle listening – listening for cues to where the next step might be, listening to my intuition – seeing where I was drawn and where I was pulled away, and more than anything, listening to the silence.

I was also gearing up for the tooth extraction. I had been really disappointed in myself for how the first attempt went – but at the same time, forgiving. My body and my psychology have often had their own agenda and I’ve gone along for the ride. But I started to dig into that more – trying to find the motivation for the anxiety. I dug back – way back – to an incident from grade school and an incident from high school. Things that until now less than a handful of people knew – and even now, only a few more – but encounters that both shape and haunt me. I did my digging though – and learned to accept that the past is in the past.

It was interesting looking at these chapters and seeing how they had helped to adversely motivate me throughout my life. Holding onto a regret from grade school, and another from high school – all wrapped in “I could have been/done better”. Perhaps the analysis of Motivation wasn’t just what nudges me forward – but what also urges me to hold back.

Something interesting has been happening during the recovery from the extraction though. There was apparently a substantial infection under the tooth – something that could have been there since the audible root fracture earlier this year – but I suspect it’s been there even longer. I “feel” different now that it’s been removed – my brain is clearer, I have more energy (despite still being tired) – in essence, I feel like the toxicity is gone. I feel like a lot of my toxic internal dialog and anti-motivation has gone with it. I’m not as anxious – I’ve been taking my blood pressure daily and since the surgery, I’m down about 20 points.

Perhaps working through and targeting motivational elements of my anxiety, and then having a physical manifestation of that toxicity removed, has opened a new path on this journey.

Which brings us to the theme for this cycle – Release. There is so much to Release from this year – the year, to start – but the emptiness, the fear, the disappointment, the disenfranchisement, the longing. As we look toward 2021 and the easing of viruses and toxicity – both literal and metaphorical – how will we look back? It’s said that distance makes everything seem small – I am hoping that before we get too deep into 2021, toxicity at a global, national, and personal level are all diminished.

So this cycle I will work to continue to Release the things that hold me back, that stop me from being as healthy as I can be, and that hinder me from sharing my best with those around me. There will be new infections, new storms, new battles to fight; but maybe by releasing the emergency brake, I can navigate them all just a little more fluidly.