Nox Amicus

On Thursday, June 10th at 6:53am the moon was new again, coinciding with the solar eclipse, and closing out last month’s focus of Evolution. In that post I had said that the innate ability to redeem ourselves and do better, to enact an adaptation and propagate it forward in our time-stream, is how we Evolve. 

For reasons I cannot fully explain, I have not found myself able to Evolve any closer to publishing these notes on the day of the New Moon. I have known for weeks what this theme would be, but the words escaped me. Perhaps in time. Perhaps all things in time.

The focus on personal Evolution caused me to reflect on some moments in my life, as I drew the path from where I was to where I am. As I looked back, I found that times when I thought things were so “bad”, were really just moments of choice and growth. Sure, there are things I wish I would have done differently – that might not have caused others quite so much hurt – but I don’t know that I would have altered course all that drastically. Sometimes bridges do need to be burned.

As I reflected though I found an interesting pattern. The times that I seem to have regretted the most were times when I was intentionally not being true to myself. One of the difficulties of being born late into an already developed family is the sense that I had to accelerate my maturity. I had to be what I imagined everyone was expecting, rather than feel like I had the freedom to simply be. This “programming” extended through my growth and development – announcing my arrival to grade school with the precocious question “could you please direct me to the first grade?” – a fine example. What six year old says that? It perpetuated even up until recent years – with being so self-conscious about my body image (among so many other things) that I felt I had to use costumes or personalities or some other artifice to be part of whatever I was already naturally welcomed to.

Now that the hair is long and the weight is coming off – I’m seeing the “me” I’d always seen in my mind – and I’m finding it easier to be that person. Will I fit in everywhere? No. Am I the person people have come to “expect”? Maybe. That depends on how deeply they were looking. But I’m finally at the point in my evolution where I feel like I can start to set aside the smoke and mirrors and just be “me”.

Which brings me to this cycle’s intention – Perspective. When I was in the midst of all of the awkward moments, and misguided schemes, and the overcomplicated “trying too hard”, I thought I was in quicksand. I felt I had to do and be “more” just to maintain position. Seeing myself for who I am, and growing more comfortable in the concept of my own self, has shifted that Perspective and shows me that had I stopped trying so hard, I might have been able to welcome the gifts I’d been chasing away.

So for this cycle I want to work to intentionally shift my Perspective – pairing what I see from my perceived vantage point with what I imagine I might see from my preferred situation. See what we have, but also look at our destination through eyes that have already arrived there. It’s easy to appreciate Perspective in hindsight – but can it be possible to provoke Perspective in foresight?

The first step in seeing the things we’re looking for is to open up our eyes.