Nox Amicus

Two weeks ago, on August 8th at 9:50am, the moon was new again. This morning, at 8:02am, the moon was full again. Yet here we are – only now posting the intention I’ve been living with for two weeks.

Last month’s focus was Identity, and in that post I reasoned that “I’ve spent much of my life putting on masks and being someone else – to the point that it feels like very, very few people truly have a sense of the real me.”

This constant need to please, or not offend, has been draining. Several years ago when working through David Richo’s “Shadow Dance” I learned more about what drives that aspect of my personality, and how to temper it. Wanting to please people, and wanting others to be happy, only becomes a bad thing when it isn’t genuine or is in some way harmful. One could argue that the act of being deceptive, even as the means to a beneficial end, is in itself harmful.

I’ve had the opportunity over the past few weeks to spend time with people who hold very safe and non-judgmental places for me where I’ve been able to practice very intentional communication. In these moments I find I’ve been able to dig down and understand the shenpa, or attachment, that bind certain emotions to certain circumstances.

For example, last month I had shared time with someone who had told me afterward that they needed to decompress a bit after our visit because there was so much energy in the time we’d spent together. I was grateful for their being able to state what they were feeling, and even more grateful that they knew I was a safe space to both voice it and work through it.

A few weeks later I spent time with another friend just hiking through a park. Near the end of the hike they’d suggested just sitting on a bench near the stream. We sat together, in silence, for about 15 minutes. It was set aside as a kind of meditative experience so no conversation was expected and that caused me to reflect on the joy of sharing silence with someone.

The next day, I had plans to see the first friend again, and while out for a walk with them, there was a period of silence. As we walked in the quiet I felt the shenpa. I wanted to say something, I wanted to fill the space. I dug down and realized that emotionally, silence had been a harbinger of bad times. Too many passive/aggressive people in my past would go quiet – and when asked if something was bothering them, they would say ‘no’, despite the fact that they were holding anger or disappoint or sadness related to me. My coping mechanism created the rule that if there’s no silence, nothing will be wrong.

In that silence that day I realized that if people can’t own their emotions and their experiences, it is not my responsibility to placate them and provide a distracting or entertaining atmosphere. Much better to surround yourself, and nurture relationships, with people who trust and value you for who you are and want to build space where there is relative safety. I don’t need to wear the masks.

So the theme for this month is Authenticity. As I was crafting this post I came to learn that there is a lot of popular pushback against striving for “Authenticity”. That doesn’t bother me. In my research I discovered that Authentic, as defined in existentialist philosophy, is “relating to or denoting an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life.” In my view, there should not be cause to push back against being emotionally appropriate, purposeful, or responsible.

As the weeks have gone along, I have had more opportunity to practice this kind of Authenticity. I realize in those moments that I feel very vulnerable – my safety net of trying to put the happiness of others ahead of my own is deeply engrained – but being able to be vulnerable in a trusted space is empowering. It gives me courage to be true to myself, and vulnerable, in less deliberate spaces. This weekend I was even able to share the inner workings of all of this with another trusted soul and I believe it helped affirm to them that I can be a safe space as well.

The song for this month is “As We Go Along” from The Monkees. I chose it because I feel like I’m singing the first verse to myself:

I can tell by your face / that you’re looking to find a place
To settle your mind and reveal who you are
And you shouldn’t be shy / for I’m not gonna try
To hurt you or heal you or steal your star

Monkees.  Lyrics to “As We Go Along.” Carole King, 2021, caroleking.com/discography/songs/we-go-along.

As I move through these changes, I might not always be who you have come to expect – but I hope we can meet in a place where you get to know who’s been hiding under all the layers.