Nox Amicus

At 12:46am this morning, as the moon turned new, I was just packing up my gear from the first band practice of the new year. We’d made plans to rehearse, and we have gigs coming up – but the universe occasionally conspires to divert us from our planned course.

That was one of the tangents from last cycle’s theme of Intuition. How we can get so mired in the planning that we lose sight of the simple joys in spontaneity. Last month I wrote that “I’ve learned, more and more over the past 3 years, that better things happen when I can “be” and live in my moments, to follow the whims and whimsy of the muses.”

The past three years have been a steady progression toward a me I had thought I’d lost a long time ago. In March of 2019, when the theme was Renewal, I had written “I realized that this was the first time since 1978 (I think) that I was in Hawaii with no other family than my brother, sister-in-law, and their family. There were shadows here and there of what Sean was like before high school… and a lot of “stuff” that’s gotten in my way in the past 40 years came into perspective.”

Not long after that was my trip to Sydney to see Mike and Micky – a trip that I really see as my reaching for the reins of my life. After I’d gotten back from the trip I wrote in my journal that “I’m blessed beyond measure – but the trip showed me something important is missing from this life. Something rudimentary and foundational. And I have no idea what.”

Since then I have seen myself say “yes”, and take more chances, to try to foster my own sense of joy. Piece by piece, bit by bit, I’ve tried to add to my experience of actually living my life; working to not be held back my the gremlins I would manifest to stand in my way.

Last week I found an envelope in the apartment, and inside it were four printed pages. They were homework from therapy in April of 2002. Almost exactly twenty years ago. The homework was entitled “If I woke up and a miracle happened, what would my life be like?” When I read the answers to that question, I realized that the miracle has happened – and I am now beginning to live that life I had imagined.

So the theme for this cycle is Resilience. It’s been a slow climb from twenty years ago, but my experience over the past three years has helped me rebound a little faster each time. It’s not that the gremlins aren’t there, it’s just that I can see them more clearly for what they are – I see the road-blocks now, and am much better able to walk around them.

It is not lost on me that starting today we are also celebrating the Year of the Tiger. I have read that the tiger is symbolic of bravery, wisdom, and strength – all components I aspire to, and feel are necessary for better Resilience. Tigers will play a prominent role in my life over the next several months, so expect me to call back to this moment.

However, the song this cycle will not be “Eye Of The Tiger”. Instead it’s a song by an Australian artist who I’ve recently discovered. Lyrics in this one that speak the loudest to me include:

Standing on this wire
Makes me realise
I am alive
And I won’t settle

Life is about being challenged. Living is about how we face those challenges, and our ability to revel in the joys of their resolution.