Nox Amicus

The moon was New again at 4:17am this morning. It’s unusual for me to post one of these on the actual day, but it’s nice once in a while to announce a new intention with a whole month ahead of me.

The most recent theme of Silence took on a number of different flavors throughout the month. Having an intention does not always mean choosing that path – it just brings mindfulness to it. A few times during the month I had opportunities for self-advocacy which showed me that speaking my own truth can reap wonderful rewards. Meanwhile, when my Silence is induced by my social anxiety, it can hinder my progress. A case of balance in all things, I suppose. In the past week, I am certain that my Silence likely saved several long term friendships – though if we cannot be who we are with people in our closer circles, are we actually circling with them?

This brings me to this cycle’s focus of Integration. This time of year carries with it a lot of historical triggers for me – reminding me of many times when I was motivated by something other than a core belief or desire. Either being what I felt someone else needed or wanted in order to save an argument, or presenting as something less than my full self in order to be accepted.

These past few years have been full of moments of my listening to my inner voice and not perseverating over too many mundane details – to the point where I look at things I might have said or done 3-4 years ago and wonder who I was. Most of us evolve over time – and we carry forward both our hopes and our regrets. I go back to Doctor Who, and this quote from Matt Smith’s regeneration speech: “We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, you’ve got to keep moving, as long as you remember all the people that you used to be.”

I always try to honor everyone I have been, but I need to spend more energy focused on who I truly am. I don’t have all the ingredients for “me” yet – but as I move through this grand Integration, I feel like I am indeed Building A Mystery.