Nox Amicus

At 5:55pm on Sunday evening the moon was New again.

The theme for this past cycle was Integration. After years in programming, I can tell you that one of the trickiest phases in the software development lifecycle was Integration – blending myriad patches with existing code in preparation for release. I don’t think I realized how many different changes were going to be manifest in this integration.

This past cycle saw my first participation in Improv Camp. I’d been using voices and characters to either entertain others or mask myself for years – but this was one of the first times using them intentionally and while being directed. Overall it was a fantastic experience and I can’t wait to do it again – but one class in particular moved me. It was called “Hardcore Emotion”. The course description read: “In this workshop, we will work on intense emotion in scenes. Having a strong emotion gets you out of your head and playing to the top of your abilities. You will also learn how emotion will keep you in the moment and help you follow your instincts more.” All things I know I need to work on.

During my scene – my randomly chosen scene partner and I were directed to play a scene with a deep emotional reaction to a mundane event – in our case, a squeaky door. The scene progressed with ever-heightening emotions – at one point I suggested they wear earplugs to stifle the squeak and they reacted by saying “then I wouldn’t be able to hear you”.

I played out the scene but this triggered something in me. My scene partner and I talked to one another afterwards and commented on how quickly it got very deep, and I thanked them for how the scene unlocked something deeper in me. Someone wants to hear “me”.

Fast forward to a moment this weekend when I found myself feeling “accepted”, regardless of my quirks, and perhaps even because of them. As I savored this acceptance, I wondered at the fact that I was allowing myself to feel accepted too.

I realized something else just after that though – in this life, I want more than just “acceptance”.

The fact that I found this genuine, deep-seated ‘want’ was different for me. Sure, we all want things – but they’re usually transient for me. I may want to hear a particular song or eat a certain food, but bigger wants are harder to acknowledge, and harder still to voice. There was another point this weekend when a choice between two things came up and I said “I wouldn’t be unhappy…”. It was pointed out that wasn’t an “enthusiastic yes” – not being unhappy with a choice does not translate to actually being happy.

When I began to write this post I had chosen my focus for this cycle, but in light of the words in front of me, I’m going to change the focus to Wanting. What is it to be Wanting, and how does that differ from needing? Bearing in mind all the while that Wanting is a one-sided arrangement. Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us. We’re allowed, and even encouraged, to Want – regardless of the outcome.

The intended focus will be saved for another time, but for now – I won’t rush the process. The Wanting is enough.