Nox Amicus

This past Tuesday at 1:23pm the Moon was New again. Numbers geeks will appreciate that the date and time could be expressed as 3/21 1:23pm.

The theme last cycle was Lessons – where I tried to learn from the mistakes I’d made. I had listed a number of lessons I’d already been presented – don’t keep secrets, listen to people, and don’t assume. A few weeks ago while in discussion with a trusted soul I stumbled upon another lesson: I need to have more faith in the people who love me.

That sounds pretty fundamental, doesn’t it? We should have faith in the people who love us – but I learned at a young age that the kind of “love” I needed and what I was being offered were not the same. The control, walls, and compartmentalization that I spoke about in the last post were crafted over the years to build a ‘safe space’ to try to substitute for the ‘loving space’ that was so hard for me to find.

I remember the moment, at a young age, when my worldview shifted. When I felt like I had to either be the peacekeeper, or otherwise had to affect change in everything so that there would be no conflict or even tension. I became the performer, the comedian, the genius, and the fool. I don’t hold any ill will at all to that moment or it’s cause – it came from a place I’d come to know all too well – but it was a moment.

What’s been interesting over the past few months is that I have started to remember the safety and security that existed just prior to that moment. Before the shift, before the games, before the myriad identities. It has almost come to feel like some other Sean was shepherding this existence for that child, ready to hand it over when I was ready.

This is not my Jungian “inner child” – this is actually me. The real me, the unaffected me – hidden away for just about 57 years. It started to be reborn as I deliberately unraveled my relationship with my mother. Once she passed away I did mourn for a time – but then started to realize that the need for me to dispel conflict or tension was fading as a direct result of her absence. That was 2017, just as these New Moon posts started to become regular occurrences.

After a while I finally learned that the choices in my life were mine – so I released a CD, flew to Australia to see a concert, and more. I began to embrace life and try to show up for it. I stumbled a lot in those days – and in many ways, the pandemic helped by giving me a cocoon to Heal in. Coming out of the pandemic I took more chances, I started leaning more into this life. I also continued to make mistakes while I was learning how to “be” all over again.

Last July I underwent a ritual as part of my spiritual path designed to Heal “the memory of injuries in the past can close the heart and cloud judgment.” Ever since then, this growth and Healing has felt exponential. There was more self-discovery and unfettered self-expression at Improv Camp, and finally toward the end of 2022 so much of my Healing was falling into place.

This year has brought the reality that with all Healing there is pain too. The transitions and shifts as things settle into their new positions are destined to be uncomfortable at best. Of course, I had exacerbated them. But now a more Healed me has the opportunity, and the tools, to do my best to help Heal the damage I’d caused over the years.

So yes – the focus for this cycle is Healing, and this cycle’s companion song has the following lyrics that fit the theme:

I have wandered through this world

And as each moment has unfurled

I’ve been waiting to awaken from these dreams

I feel as though I have woken from a 57 year long nap. There are choices I wished the caretaker might have made differently, but as I have been reminded recently, all of those poor choices and behaviors have become Lessons I have learned from.

…my eyes have seen the years

And the slow parade of fears without crying

Now I want to understand

I can cry now, I can feel now, I am beginning to understand, and hopefully now I can work toward continued Healing.