Nox Amicus

At 6:57am on Thursday, January 11th, the Moon was New. So as I write this, we’re a little more than halfway toward fullness. That actually feels like an allegory for my overall sense of being right now – halfway toward fullness.

The focus for the last lunar cycle was one of Realization. In that post, I said that I was looking for moments where there is stillness and appreciation for the wonders this life can bring, and moments where the soul can find a safe place to breathe.

In January of 2017 – so, 7 years ago now – I started these monthly New Moon intentions with one about self-acceptance. In that post, I wrote, “This past Friday’s New Moon brought a vow to focus on the work of self-acceptance – both personally and professionally. This follows the teachings of Sun Tzu, who said, “So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be put at risk even in a hundred battles.” It must begin with self-acceptance.”

The past year, and the past four months specifically, have brought a rush of changes. Personally, professionally, and spiritually. Changes that sprang from both within and without. The pause of Realization during the last cycle was a breath to Realize that we’re not in Kansas anymore. The pathways toward self-care that I thought I had in place were no longer suitable for the life I found myself living. This call to Realization, and echoing the self-acceptance of years ago, was further underscored by a change in job title and responsibilities. While this is certainly “a promotion”, I feel like it’s taking me further away from where my soul can be happiest.

This tumult all brings me to the focus for this cycle – Understanding. About ten years ago, I was having a lighthearted conversation with a most trusted soul where I said, “I don’t know if I’m eclectic or if I just have eclectic friends.” It was also around that time that I had my first business trip to Denver, and riding in a hotel elevator, I looked in the mirror and saw someone I never wanted to be.

Now I have a job that pushes me deeper into a mold that I simply don’t want to fit into. Do I have the skills and aptitude? Sure. Does it pay well? Not as well as it should, but I have no space to really complain. Will I suck it up for a while, excel, and reap the rewards? Yes – I’m not dumb.

But I do have a broader Understanding now. The band has been on hiatus since New Year’s, and I am very much looking forward to our next rehearsal. I needed this break to come back refreshed and energized – and I am that. Life doesn’t always afford us the opportunity to step away and re-group. Also, that strategy isn’t for everyone. But for me – time away helps me refocus and appreciate what I was missing. The artistic and creative spark is crucial to my well-being. Being drawn deeper into corporate information technology is being drawn away from the creativity that sustains me.

I am Understanding myself better – and, coming full circle to seven years ago, I accept myself more because of it. I am not “Normal” – I never have been. I am wonderfully eclectic. I don’t make sense to most of the people who care about me. And that’s okay too. 

As I move through the remainder of this cycle, I want to do a better job of working to appreciate and Understanding myself – and use similar lenses to work to Understand the people around me too. It’s through the clarity brought by Understanding that I think we can find strength, trust, hope, and harmony.