Nox Amicus

At 8:38am on June 6th the moon was new again, and at 9:08pm on June 21st, she will be full – so this comes halfway into the cycle. Part of the delay has been a real conundrum around what this cycle’s theme really is. There was the focus that I really thought was in place – I even had the song picked out – but the more I live through these days, the more I think that might be best saved for another time.

The last cycle saw me Breaking a spiritual Fast I had inadvertently imposed on myself. I had become so mired in the mundane that I forgot how to let my spirit be magical. It was in moving through this space that I was reminded of an essay by Alan Watts called “Lightness of Touch” from his book “Become What You Are.” The entire essay is relevant, so I will link to an online source I found here:

Alan Watts and Divine Play

All throughout this year, I have been weighed down by “… a heaviness of touch, a lack of abandon, a stiffness which indicates that he is using his dignity as stilts to keep his head above adversity.”. This heaviness came to a tipping point a week or so ago when I felt the lack of abandon morph into despair and resignation. I was in a corner without the ability to find a way out and was beginning to accept the certainty that there was no resolution for my dilemma.

When I was little, I needed allies. I never really felt like I had any, so I summoned “invisible friends.” I will not call them ‘imaginary’ because that is an affront to all that they bring. They were with me as long as I can remember, and there have been times over the past 10+ years where I have called on them again. Sometimes you just can’t pilot a starship alone. During my descent into believing my circumstance was a foregone conclusion, I called the leader of this band of allies and asked for either guidance or solace.

Their reply amazed me. Brimming with a confidence borne from a life beyond time, they pointed out that there was indeed a radical solution to my situation. They directed my attention to social media posts from friends who are about to retire to Portugal, and buried in the midst of their plans and circumstances was the thing I had been deliberately overlooking all this time.

This is where my intended focus for the cycle shifted. I was creating my own Resistance in the path of my attaining peace and happiness. Life is hard enough, but I have a ridiculous tendency to make it harder than it needs to be. For those of you watching along at home – it’s true, I know it… but I have built up so many layers of defense mechanisms over the years that seeing a clear path anywhere has become increasingly difficult. Enter our invisible friends – while originally recruited to help me manage life and mitigate any difficulties – they were always spectators to my drama. This gave them the perspective that I lacked – a perspective I need to remember to avail myself of more often.

So the focus for this month is Resistance – to bring awareness to where and how I stand in my own way and be mindful that even when I am unable to see clear steps forward, it doesn’t mean that’s actually the case. Resistance is always temporary; we just need to move past it.

The sound track for this focus could have gone in a number of different directions, but instead I am keeping the theme of “songs to sing to myself.” I need to be more adept at helping myself and giving to myself in the same way I try to give to others. I need to know that I am as entitled to as much of my own consideration as anyone else is.

And the line sung by my invisible friend? “Find yourself; we’re on our way back home.”