Nox Amicus

The Moon became new on Monday, September 2nd, at 9:56pm. Despite being the end of a relaxing Labor Day, I wasn’t yet in a place to commit to a focus for this month. Now, as we approach a full moon tomorrow night, I think I finally have my theme.

In a way, the uncertainty around this cycle’s focus makes sense. Last month I talked about Freedom, and how I wanted to leave behind the identities that I’d crafted or adopted and write my own story. When you basically give your spirit a blank sheet of paper, what do you choose to write?

I ran through several potential themes, each based on different facets of my life. Some fulfilling and inspiring, and some where resignation had replaced motivation. As I went for my daily walks over the past week, I began to see that I wasn’t digging deep enough. Again, not surprising, I’d unlocked the cage I’d been keeping myself in and was mindfully beginning to take steps toward defining the life that I want, as opposed to a life that was expected for me.

Choice has never been easy for me. The times are few and far between where something is important enough for me to stand up and declare a position. Of course, when I do declare, my position is adamant and irrefutable (the Taurus in me). I used to pride myself on what I thought was congeniality and flexibility, but in moving through the last few months of Resistance, Experience, and Freedom; and seeing how I kept standing in my own way – I wasn’t actually being flexible; I was perpetually in fear of making waves. I couldn’t be the one who was difficult; I couldn’t be the one who was wrong.

I’ve been reminded (gently) a few times that this actually makes me more difficult to relate to because I often don’t express a clear preference or direction. When I stop to consider this – when I am genuinely asked for what I want, and I consider that often the questions come from corners who have no vested interest in me – they just want to know – I am faced with the realization that my preferences and choices may actually Matter.

This is a hard thing to come down to – that for a long time, despite outward appearances, I haven’t felt like I Mattered. I existed, I was a resource, I was convenient, I was a distraction – but the concept of my essence actually Mattering was a rarity. To be clear, there are a few safe places where I know that I Matter and am valued, and in those spaces it can be easier to look past the self-conditioning – but in many places, I have felt expendable.

No one can change this except for me. I have to learn to trust that everyone in my life moves about their lives in their own state of personal authenticity and that I do actually make a difference, that I Matter. This differs from importance. I don’t need to be special; I just want to be relevant.

I think this relevance is another target of this cycle’s focus on Mattering. Sometimes I would feel so much like I wouldn’t Matter that I would overextend myself, trying to force some sense of relevance. This was not only unhealthy for me on a variety of levels, but it forced situations that were unhealthy for people around me.

So this cycle I want to focus on recognizing that I do indeed Matter – not to others, so much as to myself. This cycle’s song has a line that encourages me to be more mindful of not having to overextend:

“Some people never ever make a name, but change the game in someone’s story.”

…and isn’t making a positive difference in a life – be it ours or someone else’s – the highest calling toward Mattering?