Nox Amicus

Wanting—it’s a simple word, but for some of us, it’s more complicated than it seems. For a long time, I’ve struggled with expressing what I want. Growing up, there was this unspoken rule that I wasn’t allowed to want, that asking for things was troublesome. I absorbed the message that I was meant to stay in the background, never make waves, never speak out. But despite those internalized barriers, I’ve come to realize something fundamental: I want things. In fact, I want a lot of things.

Saying that out loud is still uncomfortable for me. I still wrestle with whether what I want is “appropriate,” or whether anyone else could want the same things. I catch myself thinking there’s something inherently wrong with my wanting. Maybe it’s tied to childhood trauma or the fear of being seen as too much. But here’s what I’m starting to understand: Wanting isn’t wrong. It’s human. And maybe there are other people out there who want a safe space to want the same things I do.

Recently, I had a moment of clarity when someone said to me, “You can have that anytime you want it. You just have to say so.” They weren’t asking the generic “What do you want?” but instead made it specific. Suddenly, I realized that all I had to do was express my desires, even if they seemed out of reach. Of course, wanting something doesn’t mean it will automatically happen—everyone has their own choices to make—but nothing will happen unless I speak up.

There’s power in watching people live without hesitation. I’ve seen individuals who express their wants boldly, unapologetically. They make their desires known, and more often than not, they get what they ask for. There is a fluidity and elegance in the way they move that I admire greatly. But what’s stopping me from doing the same? The answer is simple: my own hesitation.

I think that’s part of the key – it’s not even fear anymore. It’s just hesitancy, a reluctance to claim my own wants. But if I don’t think I deserve what I want, no one else will think I deserve it either. I end up manifesting my own worst fears, living in a self-fulfilling prophecy where my silence ensures that my desires remain unmet. That realization is hard. If I believe that no one will ever be willing to meet my needs, then that’s exactly what will happen—because I never give them the chance. I realized that’s where I keep tripping myself up—because I’ve been placing more value on my assumption of others’ opinions than on my own desires. I’ve been fabricating my own opposition.

So I’m learning. Learning to say what I want, even when it feels vulnerable, radical, uncomfortable, or even inappropriate. I’m learning that wanting is okay and that I deserve to want just as much as anyone else does.

As I reflect on this, I see that the concept of wanting is central to understanding who I am. It’s not just about identifying my needs, but also about embracing my desires without shame or fear. So this is my next step in self-discovery: learning to articulate what I want, unapologetically, and seeing where that takes me.