Nox Amicus

At 3:53pm yesterday, January 21st, the moon was New. Look at me being all timely this cycle!

My last post focused on Action – and the differentiation between the Action to pursue a desire and the Action to understand the motivation behind it. What the intention taught me though was that Action happens – we can affect some control, we might be able to break a little inertia – but the Universe is going to Act regardless of whether it suits our plans.

This was echoed in a conversation with a trusted soul around the idea that “the future is unwritten” – and I posited that we have it within ourselves to pick up the pen. It was pointed out that while that’s true to a degree, every future is not ours to write. The Universe might accept feedback, and we might be able to craft our performance to an extent – but we are reliant on the sum of all the parts to determine what the narrative is.

The story being written now has some very complex twists and turns. It feels like every important facet of my life is in a state of flux. This is all coming at a time when my unnatural awareness of anniversaries is undermining my self-confidence. Ten years ago, during this cycle, my life profoundly crashed and burned through psychological abuse and gaslighting. I need to take care, because the echoes and memories can be vivid. But that was then –  I am not the person I was, and the people who surround me today are profoundly amazing and I am truly blessed. To reference “The Life of Pi”, I prefer this story.

But what do we do with the “ick” when it comes up? How do we navigate natural changes in our lives when they’re distorted and often amplified by a past that won’t be ignored?

The answer is the same way we might allay our fear when traveling through any storm. It’s all only Weather. Sure – it might be intense and even damaging, but if we can seek the right kinds of shelter, it always passes. The beauty of this is that rain can wash away the ick and the sun will literally show us everything in a new light.

So the theme for this cycle is Weather. We need all of the Weather – wind, sun, precipitation, and dryness – in all of their majesty. We need the challenges we’re presented with in order for us to grow. How we face those challenges can give us the opportunity to ask for the help we need. Storms bind our communities together, sunlight crafts a space to celebrate.

So everywhere you go, always take the Weather with you!

At 2:17am on December 23rd the moon was new. Earlier this evening, at 6:08pm, She became full. I’m not sure there’s ever been a half-cycle gap between a New Moon and my professed intention before, but here we are.

I find that I’m still digging into the feelings around Wanting from September’s focus. In that post, I wrote “Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us. We’re allowed, and even encouraged, to Want – regardless of the outcome.”

But what happens when we’re not truly certain what “we” actually want?

Following this thread of thinking, I happened upon something called mimetic theory, proposed by 20th century French philosophical anthropologist René Girard. In describing mimetic theory, Girard wrote that “Man is the creature who does not know what to desire, and he turns to others in order to make up his mind. We desire what others desire because we imitate their desires.”

This resonated with my October post on Reciprocity – where I had said that “what we Want might be what another desires to receive, and that what they are free to give fulfills our Wanting.” As I burrow deeper into this I see seeds from my childhood – where it was safer for me to want something that had a high probability of being provided, rather than follow my own bliss.

Last month I focused on Surrender – and my feeling when confronted with an unfulfilled want, it might be better to step away from the desire than continue to pursue it in what might be an unhealthy way. This was summed in the last line, to Surrender – but don’t give yourself away.

In that same focus on Surrender though, I talked about the Wheel of Consent and noted that ‘Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all Actions’. Perhaps the healthy option to divining desire, and perhaps even fulfilling it, is not by letting the chips fall where they may, but rather to affect a change in our Action.

Everything worth having is worth working for – but sometimes that work is less about the active pursuit of a desire, but rather the work to understand our motivations and what that want or desire actually serves. What do we want, and why do we want it? How do we answer those questions when our perception of our intrinsic wants might have been blocked or stunted?

So the focus for this cycle is Action – and for solace on the journey I’ll turn to Pete Townshend and The Who, and the second half of the bridge to this cycle’s song:

I don’t know where I’m going
I don’t know what I need
But I’ll get to where I’m gonna end up
And that’s alright by me

Townshend, Pete. “Let’s See Action.” Hooligans, 1981, https://www.songfacts.com/lyrics/the-who/lets-see-action.

At 5:57pm on Wednesday, November 23rd the Moon was New again. I have known about this theme since then and had wanted to post this – but holidays, band gigs, birthdays, and the like happened first. If we are going to reflect on life, it’s important to remember to live it as well!

Last cycle’s theme of Reciprocity was in reaction to the prior cycle’s focus on Wanting. In thinking about Reciprocity, I thought about the acts of Wanting and Receiving, and how being open to Getting what we Give, and Giving what we might wish to Receive, are all gathered in a similar construct. This reminded me of Betty Martin’s “Wheel of Consent” – where the acts of Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all quadrants in a wheel.

Through this journey of allowing myself to Want, and understanding that my nature is to embrace Reciprocity, I acknowledge that the aforementioned Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all actions. Reminiscent of Massive Attack’s song “Teardrop” which opens “love, love is a verb – love is a doing word”. But what happens when we don’t have the spoons to act?

This brings us to this cycle’s theme – Surrender. By Surrender, I am not necessarily implying that a Want is no longer worth working for, but rather sometimes it’s necessary to relieve ourselves of our self-imposed obligation to do the work. Instead of swimming in a current, leave ourselves open to where the current might take us.

Surrendering to the currents of a Want can be scary – without our persistent momentum against resistance, we fear we would lose whatever precious ground we might have gained. This is why Surrender here is geared more toward intent than action – to change focus and perception – to understand that Having, while still good and important, must be measured against personal cost.

Or as Cheap Trick so eloquently sang: Surrender, surrender – but don’t give yourself away.

• Wheel of Consent
• “Teardrop” by Massive Attack
• Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory

Wishing a Blessed Samhain to all who celebrate!! At 6:49am last Tuesday the moon was new again, so before morning She will be one quarter full.

The theme last month was Wanting, and in the closing for the post I’d said that “Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us.”

Years ago, after attending a conference, I had thought that I wanted to ‘Make Compassion Contagious’ – so I started an online presence called “Catch Compassion”. It still exists on Facebook and Twitter (for the time being). The philosophy behind it was simple – “Be grateful. Want without expectation. Accept with humility. Love without agenda. Make Compassion Contagious”.

As an aside, I’d realized in the past year that about the same time I’d had this epiphany, Deepak Chopra published an article entitled “How to Make Compassion Contagious” – further evidence that if the Universe wants to give birth to a concept, She will do it by any means necessary. I am grateful to have also been a conduit for this thought.

When the focus for the last cycle became “Wanting”, my mind turned toward that theme – ‘Wanting Without Expectation’. Those who know me understand that I believe that the Universe doesn’t understand negatives, and this created a paradox – how do I want “without” expectation and not use the word “without”? This thought experiment lead me down many roads, but I finally landed on ‘Want with Trust” – and I held to that during this cycle. As I explored various Wants – successful finger surgery, good band gigs, smoother times at work, etc. – I tried to place a sense of trust that the things I Wanted could be in line with the flow of the Universe.

As I thought about the focus for this cycle, I thought about both Trust and Balance – but I try not to re-use themes, and both of them have had their turns (in 2018 and 2019 respectively).

Earlier I recalled how I’d said that receiving was contingent on a variety of things, among them Reciprocity. This brought to mind times shared this summer with a wonderful soul who had spoken to me about Reciprocity. It was there that I’d found my focus for this cycle.

Wanting and receiving are sides of a similar coin. When we allow ourselves to slip into the stream of things being Reciprocal, we can find that we are not alone in our Wants – that what we Want might be what another desires to receive, and that what they are free to give fulfills our Wanting. This can be true of individuals, communities, or Everything. Where there is Reciprocity, there might also be balance and satisfaction – and in that space we may find ourselves able to share joy, not just receive it.

As the band continues to cover this companion song, its lyrics will hold a deeper meaning for me. Life is fuller when we realize that we do indeed reap what we sow, and we get what we give.

At 5:55pm on Sunday evening the moon was New again.

The theme for this past cycle was Integration. After years in programming, I can tell you that one of the trickiest phases in the software development lifecycle was Integration – blending myriad patches with existing code in preparation for release. I don’t think I realized how many different changes were going to be manifest in this integration.

This past cycle saw my first participation in Improv Camp. I’d been using voices and characters to either entertain others or mask myself for years – but this was one of the first times using them intentionally and while being directed. Overall it was a fantastic experience and I can’t wait to do it again – but one class in particular moved me. It was called “Hardcore Emotion”. The course description read: “In this workshop, we will work on intense emotion in scenes. Having a strong emotion gets you out of your head and playing to the top of your abilities. You will also learn how emotion will keep you in the moment and help you follow your instincts more.” All things I know I need to work on.

During my scene – my randomly chosen scene partner and I were directed to play a scene with a deep emotional reaction to a mundane event – in our case, a squeaky door. The scene progressed with ever-heightening emotions – at one point I suggested they wear earplugs to stifle the squeak and they reacted by saying “then I wouldn’t be able to hear you”.

I played out the scene but this triggered something in me. My scene partner and I talked to one another afterwards and commented on how quickly it got very deep, and I thanked them for how the scene unlocked something deeper in me. Someone wants to hear “me”.

Fast forward to a moment this weekend when I found myself feeling “accepted”, regardless of my quirks, and perhaps even because of them. As I savored this acceptance, I wondered at the fact that I was allowing myself to feel accepted too.

I realized something else just after that though – in this life, I want more than just “acceptance”.

The fact that I found this genuine, deep-seated ‘want’ was different for me. Sure, we all want things – but they’re usually transient for me. I may want to hear a particular song or eat a certain food, but bigger wants are harder to acknowledge, and harder still to voice. There was another point this weekend when a choice between two things came up and I said “I wouldn’t be unhappy…”. It was pointed out that wasn’t an “enthusiastic yes” – not being unhappy with a choice does not translate to actually being happy.

When I began to write this post I had chosen my focus for this cycle, but in light of the words in front of me, I’m going to change the focus to Wanting. What is it to be Wanting, and how does that differ from needing? Bearing in mind all the while that Wanting is a one-sided arrangement. Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us. We’re allowed, and even encouraged, to Want – regardless of the outcome.

The intended focus will be saved for another time, but for now – I won’t rush the process. The Wanting is enough.

The moon was New again at 4:17am this morning. It’s unusual for me to post one of these on the actual day, but it’s nice once in a while to announce a new intention with a whole month ahead of me.

The most recent theme of Silence took on a number of different flavors throughout the month. Having an intention does not always mean choosing that path – it just brings mindfulness to it. A few times during the month I had opportunities for self-advocacy which showed me that speaking my own truth can reap wonderful rewards. Meanwhile, when my Silence is induced by my social anxiety, it can hinder my progress. A case of balance in all things, I suppose. In the past week, I am certain that my Silence likely saved several long term friendships – though if we cannot be who we are with people in our closer circles, are we actually circling with them?

This brings me to this cycle’s focus of Integration. This time of year carries with it a lot of historical triggers for me – reminding me of many times when I was motivated by something other than a core belief or desire. Either being what I felt someone else needed or wanted in order to save an argument, or presenting as something less than my full self in order to be accepted.

These past few years have been full of moments of my listening to my inner voice and not perseverating over too many mundane details – to the point where I look at things I might have said or done 3-4 years ago and wonder who I was. Most of us evolve over time – and we carry forward both our hopes and our regrets. I go back to Doctor Who, and this quote from Matt Smith’s regeneration speech: “We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, you’ve got to keep moving, as long as you remember all the people that you used to be.”

I always try to honor everyone I have been, but I need to spend more energy focused on who I truly am. I don’t have all the ingredients for “me” yet – but as I move through this grand Integration, I feel like I am indeed Building A Mystery.

On Thursday afternoon at 1:55pm the Moon was New. Later in that afternoon, Jupiter went Retrograde. It is said that Jupiter retrograde calls us to review or Release something and can be a time of personal growth.

Timely for Jupiter’s turn, last month’s focus was on Release. In my Initiation ritual I was called to let go of my over-thinking and put more trust in my intuition. I have begun to trust that intuition more in the past three years than I used to – I always believed in it, but I would always second-guess myself. Now I find I’m saying “yes” more when I am moved to. If there needs to be damage control on the other side, so be it – but I would much rather work to make amends to someone else as a result of being true to myself, than live with the regret of not having lived this life to the fullest.

At the end of last cycle’s post, I said something that had stuck with me: “there is beauty in Silence”. Some months ago I was walking with a trusted soul, and through our conversation I thought to examine why I often feel the need to fill spaces with words. Was the comment I was considering going to further the discussion? Or was it just there to take up space?

This brought me to recall something I bring to music quite often – “rests are notes too”. Just as important as the things we sing or play are the spaces between them. Why then did I so often feel the need to speak?

What I realized on that walk was a convoluted bit of thinking – early on, my life had taken on the responsibility of crafting an environment that was “okay” – stress-free, palatable, and potentially entertaining. If I was unable to diffuse the cause of someone being upset, then I was fundamentally unlovable. When I found a place where I was undeniably accepted while being quiet – it turned that paradigm on its proverbial ear.

It is not up to me to right the world’s wrongs and make sure no one is upset. As I learned from another trusted soul – everyone is creative, resourceful, and whole. It doesn’t mean that we don’t pitch in and help – we are called to serve our communities – but rarely does success or failure rest solely on only one of us.

So the focus for this cycle is Silence. The Witch’s Pyramid is made of the phrases: ‘to know’, ‘to will’, ‘to dare’, and ‘to keep silent’. If you want to manifest something, do the work – but then be quiet. Don’t draw attention to the thing you want, or to your work – and never let hubris call you to pontificate about it.

Some monks take vows of Silence, and there are specific “silent meditation” retreats. In Silence we can discern our own thoughts, and focus on our own intuition.

At 10:52pm on June 28th the Moon was new again, and today at 2:38pm the Blessing Moon (or Meadow Moon, or Buck Moon) was full.

I am not “late” for this intention, but there were some things to move through before I could be sure what the focus was actually going to be.

The last cycle saw me looking into empowerment and something I chose to call “compassionate assertiveness”. This is something I feel I’ll be working through for a while – as with so many lessons – I had some of the “assertiveness” down, but can find places I fell short on compassion. Still, using a recently found voice is going to come with some rough patches, so in many ways some of the compassion I need to exercise is also with myself.

This past Saturday was a long-awaited ritual with my spiritual community. These particular rites tend to focus on leaving behind an aspect of ourselves that might be holding us back. I had finished the work for this particular transition in the summer of 2019 (about the time I was in Australia), and it was first scheduled for April 25, 2020 – so I have been moving in this direction for the better part of three years now. Still – the ritual was beautiful and profound, and reinforced my desire to focus and rely on my intuition rather than over-thinking.

There were a lot of things I’d planned to say for this cycle, but there is beauty in silence, so in keeping with this cycle’s focus on Release, I will Release the conscious thought and just let the spirit speak for itself.

I am normally not a fan of chants, but I am also not one to decline a gift from synchronicity.

On Monday morning at 7:30am the Moon was new again. The theme of Kindness last cycle took an unanticipated turn; the beneficiary of the Kindness ended up needing to be myself. The week following a wonderful Beltane celebration saw the final dental implant posts, and while the surgery itself was fine, I think we discovered a sensitivity to amoxicillin which leaves me feverish and fatigued.

The rest of the cycle was spent being very mindful of how I was moving through the world. A birthday and a quick trip for work helped to remind me how different my life feels these past few years.

It’s been said that my trip to Australia in 2019 was ‘outside the box’ for me – very much unlike the Sean people had come to expect. Since then there have been other ‘departures’ – letting my hair grow, losing weight, the trip to Los Angeles to see Mike & Micky perform. I’m happy with all of these, but it caused me to wonder what initially caused the shift.

Ever mindful of anniversaries, my answer was presented to me this month. May 15th marked five years since my mother’s passing.

I don’t know how my relationship with my mother presented to anyone else – even to her – but I know that for me it was a constant battle for me to not rock the boat. The stories and examples are numerous, but I very often self-censored – I wouldn’t write lyrics for fear of her reaction, I took great care in how I expressed myself because of historical criticisms. It’s no wonder that the diary entry written the week of her passing was entitled “Freedom”.

My memorial to her in that writing was “I do wish her well on her journey – she didn’t ask for, or want, what this life provided her – and I forgive her based on that. I hold no malice toward her or her spirit. She did what she was capable of – she just wasn’t capable of what she was called upon to do.”

I realized that it was after her passing that I took the first tentative steps toward not being quite so concerned about what other people thought – steadily tapping at the inside of my shell. During the trip to Hawaii in 2019 I got a taste of what I was like when I was younger – before I would build so many walls and contrivances that I would barely recognize myself.

Australia was the pivot though – it’s where I saw myself clearly, and truly felt that I was coming back toward my own center again. The years since – even with the pandemic – have been spent building on that feeling.

So, the theme this cycle is Empowerment. I think of it as blended with Kindness and thereby achieving a sort of compassionate assertiveness. Really, it all comes down to knowing yourself as completely as possible in a moment, and allowing that self to be free in the world.

The song this month is sung to myself. I have been waiting for “me” to join me on this journey for a long time. It’s as though my true self has always been singing: “I’ll be here when you are ready…” The pieces are finally coming together.

On Saturday, April 30 at 4:28pm the moon was new again.

Last month I spoke of the sweetness and simple joy found in Harmony. The idea that “the best of times can be found in the simplest things” carried on through the month. The day after I had posted that focus I left for a five day trip to Pittsburgh to honor the life and path of Fred Rogers. The path that he had manifested so clearly and consistently was one of Kindness, and this informed my focus choice for this cycle. This ethos is also reflected in one of my favorite quotes from Doctor Who – “always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind”.

It is not easy to consistently exhibit Kindness though. In the past week, as I moved to try to write this, circumstances in the world made me truly wonder if I was capable of even attempting to focus on Kindness. The more I was exposed to news, the more I saw large segments of the population fundamentally misaligned from the principles of Kindness and Compassion. I even wondered if they were deserving of my Kindness.

It was then that I recalled an important lesson I learned from my spiritual mentor – we have the freedom to feel however we are called to – but it’s what we choose to do with that feeling or motivation that counts. Abandoning my principles would make me no better than the groups I would stand in opposition to. I am called back to Doctor Who – “hate is always foolish, and love is always wise”.

This was also echoed in the teachings from a class I attended at Beltane this year. This class spoke of the Four Sublime Attitudes of Buddhism, or the brahmavihārās; which are benevolence, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity (or non-attachment). What if it were possible to approach everyone – our friends, our enemies, and the world – in the spirit of these teachings?

This is all wrapped up nicely in the lyrics to the companion song choice for this cycle – Nothing More by The Alternate Routes: “We are how we treat each other and nothing more”.

Wishing you Kindness on your path.