At 2:24am last Friday, April 1, the moon was new again.
The focus during the last cycle was Comfort – something that was much needed in light of my contracting Covid and the trials that the prior cycle’s focus on Resilience had brought. Finding Comfort has often been challenging for me, as the most Comfort I usually feel is when I retreat into my own worlds. While that can feel comfortable – I would hesitate to say it brings actual Comfort.
Places that have historically brought me Comfort have been times I’d been playing with a band, and the moments that really bring me the most joy have been singing in Harmony. Thirty years ago when my musical journey began, I could never find harmonies in songs on my own – I felt it was some odd alchemy that vocalists could just find a 3rd or a 5th in a scale and weave counter-melodies and harmonies. That was magic to me. It wasn’t really until about 3-4 years ago in this band that something finally clicked and I found myself able to find my own parts. I’m still not proficient, but I’m not embarrassed anymore.
Before our last gig on April 2nd, it was suggested that we really need to work on our harmonies. Listening back to that night I agree – there are things that we’ll hear that a general audience might not – but Harmony takes effort and attention, and if we are holding ourselves too tightly – if there is too much tension or reservation – the beauty cannot flow as easily. Learning to relax, learning to listen, learning to find our place as others work to find theirs. The analogy – and the theme – unfolds naturally.
Six years ago I was reminded of the sweetness and simple joy in Harmony when I heard this cycle’s song for the first time. It was Spring of 2016 and The Monkees had just released “Good Times!” Hearing Mike and Micky sing reminded me of all their songs I loved when I was younger, and why I loved them. I credit “Me & Magdalena” for being one of the sparks that launched me on my current journey.
I want to take some time this cycle to listen carefully to my own voice – and find closer and more relaxed Harmony with the voices around me.
This new lunar cycle began with a New Moon at 12:35pm on Wednesday, March 2nd and earlier today she became Full. So far, this has not been the easiest cycle to work through, It was very early on that I thought that I’d know what the focus for this month would be – but things changed quickly when I tested positive for Covid-19. Suddenly looking at things from a distance cause them to start to lose their meaning, and we reach for what really matters.
The focus for the last cycle was Resilience – I had thought I’d had a handle on that, but a series of dominos fell that showed me that sometimes when we are faced with challenges, no amount of being present in the moment can seem to stop our history from reacting to them. By the end of the cycle, I was beginning to rediscover a core of my Resilience and build on that in some very soul-lifting ways.
Covid brain is still a thing as I write this, so I’m going to set aside the philosophical entanglements and reveal that the focus for this cycle is simply “Comfort”. Comfort can come in many different colors – it can be a tender touch, it can be a gentle phrase, it can be an understanding glance, it can be a wonderfully timed text message, it can be a hug. It can also be silence, it can be waiting, it can be the selfless act of being. The important element is that Comfort is intentional and deliberate. We give Comfort to someone in the language in which they can easily receive it – sometimes this act alone can be the most caring.
The song this cycle is new to me – but is fitting for the theme.
“When your heart feels undone; may you always find an open hand.”
At 12:46am this morning, as the moon turned new, I was just packing up my gear from the first band practice of the new year. We’d made plans to rehearse, and we have gigs coming up – but the universe occasionally conspires to divert us from our planned course.
That was one of the tangents from last cycle’s theme of Intuition. How we can get so mired in the planning that we lose sight of the simple joys in spontaneity. Last month I wrote that “I’ve learned, more and more over the past 3 years, that better things happen when I can “be” and live in my moments, to follow the whims and whimsy of the muses.”
The past three years have been a steady progression toward a me I had thought I’d lost a long time ago. In March of 2019, when the theme was Renewal, I had written “I realized that this was the first time since 1978 (I think) that I was in Hawaii with no other family than my brother, sister-in-law, and their family. There were shadows here and there of what Sean was like before high school… and a lot of “stuff” that’s gotten in my way in the past 40 years came into perspective.”
Not long after that was my trip to Sydney to see Mike and Micky – a trip that I really see as my reaching for the reins of my life. After I’d gotten back from the trip I wrote in my journal that “I’m blessed beyond measure – but the trip showed me something important is missing from this life. Something rudimentary and foundational. And I have no idea what.”
Since then I have seen myself say “yes”, and take more chances, to try to foster my own sense of joy. Piece by piece, bit by bit, I’ve tried to add to my experience of actually living my life; working to not be held back my the gremlins I would manifest to stand in my way.
Last week I found an envelope in the apartment, and inside it were four printed pages. They were homework from therapy in April of 2002. Almost exactly twenty years ago. The homework was entitled “If I woke up and a miracle happened, what would my life be like?” When I read the answers to that question, I realized that the miracle has happened – and I am now beginning to live that life I had imagined.
So the theme for this cycle is Resilience. It’s been a slow climb from twenty years ago, but my experience over the past three years has helped me rebound a little faster each time. It’s not that the gremlins aren’t there, it’s just that I can see them more clearly for what they are – I see the road-blocks now, and am much better able to walk around them.
It is not lost on me that starting today we are also celebrating the Year of the Tiger. I have read that the tiger is symbolic of bravery, wisdom, and strength – all components I aspire to, and feel are necessary for better Resilience. Tigers will play a prominent role in my life over the next several months, so expect me to call back to this moment.
However, the song this cycle will not be “Eye Of The Tiger”. Instead it’s a song by an Australian artist who I’ve recently discovered. Lyrics in this one that speak the loudest to me include:
Standing on this wire Makes me realise I am alive And I won’t settle
Life is about being challenged. Living is about how we face those challenges, and our ability to revel in the joys of their resolution.
Last Sunday at 1:35pm the moon was New again. When the cycle shifted, I already knew what the new focus would be – but I didn’t have the words. This was odd, since the focus last month, in a tribute to Nez, was Lyrics.
In that post I suggested that we go back to favorite songs or artists and listen to the words they chose – looking to understand meaning and intent. I did follow my own advice, and turned my attention to a few songs I hadn’t embraced for a while. It was good to sit and get to know those old friends again – perhaps even with an ear toward introducing them to the band.
But as I struggled to figure out how to write these words tonight, I began to be more aware that there are other pieces to the puzzle. The struggle was my analytical brain – working and pondering and trying to be oh so very clever. I even thought that perhaps I could work backwards and pick the focus song and it would help bring words to this page – yeah, that didn’t work at all.
Recently I was moved to write a diary entry on energy and entropy – so borrowing from the sailing analogy I had used there, I chose to let the sheets go slack; to take the tension out of the sails. Instead of over-clocking my analytical brain, I decided to leverage this month’s focus: Intuition.
Sometimes we get so mired in shoulds and have-tos, and sometimes even want-tos, that we lose sight of our true motivation – of what “feels” right to us. This has been a struggle for me from my beginnings – over-thinking and over-complicating and always building contingencies – but I’ve learned, more and more over the past 3 years, that better things happen when I can “be” and live in my moments, to follow the whims and whimsy of the muses.
There are always effects to our causes, and consequences to our actions – but those consequences can really bring joy and happiness. It is good to bring mindfulness to our Intuition, but it’s not always necessary to perseverate.
There is no song this time – which is as it should be. In this moment I feel it’s enough to let the Intuition speak for itself.
Last cycle’s focus was on Living. In it I wondered at the thought of “focusing on abandon rather than abandonment”. We spend so much of our lives compromising and conforming – rather than letting go of the reins that had been handed to us and actually Living our own lives. The past few years have seen me make bolder steps in that direction – the trip to Australia in 2019 to see Mike and Micky – and again this year to LA. Music has always been the motivator for me – from the first time I heard Michael Nesmith say “if you love music, you can play music”. (See the first comment for the link and you’ll understand).
In a tragic twist to my focus on Living, Nez passed away on Friday, December 10th. The only other passing in my life that has been as profound was my father in 2001. The relationship with Nez was more than musician and fan. This artist is etched in the fabric of who I have become and what I aspire to be. Meeting him, shaking his hand, and giving him MY music was more a “checking in” and letting him know how far his inspiration traveled. I spent maybe a minute talking to him, if that… but it was real and it was true.
I had thoughts of themes for this cycle – but they dissolved over the weekend. It wasn’t until tonight when I thought of those themes again that I realized that where they intersected was the truth of this cycle, elegantly crafted by Nez.
When they’re crafted to convey a verbal message, Lyrics are critical to a song for me. If a writer cared to commit to a phrase, then I believe that’s something to be honored. It’s why I annoy bandmates with my insistence on getting all the words right. Lyrics matter. Nez was a lyrical poet – which is why Lyrics are the cycle for this month.
I find it interesting too that the word Lyric is derived from the word Lyre, and the Lyre has morphed over time to become the kithara, which brings us guitar. If Lyrics matter, so does etymology.
Grief has hidden many of my own words from me tonight – so I’m going to let Nez finish this out. In the attached clip you’ll hear him explain how when artists create something, once that creation is borne out into the world, it stops being “theirs” and belongs to everyone. “It cannot be a part of me, for now it’s part of you”.
Listen to your favorite songs or your favorite artists, and listen to the words they chose and ponder why. The clues aren’t always clouded.
Tapioca Tundra
Reasoned verse, some prose or rhyme Lose themselves in other times And waiting hopes cast silent spells That speak in clouded clues It cannot be a part of me For now it’s part of you
Careful plays on fields That seem to vanish When they’re in between And softly as I walk away In freshly tattered shoes It cannot be a part of me For now it’s part of you
Sunshine, ragtime Blowing in the breeze Midnight looks right Standing more at ease
Silhouettes and figures stay Close to what he had to say And one more time, the faded dream Is saddened by the news It cannot be a part of me For now it’s part of you
A little over two weeks ago the moon was new, and this morning she was full – I’m late again, but not really. I’ve been Living my intention, regardless of not having written about it.
Last month’s focus was on Safety, and in it I spoke about how my life is “walking me down roads filled with choice and intention, and through these processes I’m beginning to understand that the more I am able to live my life in a deliberate state of choice, the safer I feel both physically and emotionally.”
This life of choice and intention is a bit of a double-edged sword as I lean into it. The overthinking and anxiety bring the wondering of whether the choices or intentions are the right ones. It’s getting easier though. The trip to Los Angeles last week brought many opportunities to let go of the “have to” and made me mindful of when I overthink, and how I can craft spaces where it isn’t necessary. It was wonderful how alive I found I was able to feel – giving myself permission to experience, rather than to analyze.
Years ago a very trusted spiritual sister used to tell me “more feeling, less thinking” – she knew, and her words still echo in my spirit. So this month’s focus of intent has been Living. The more I think, the further away I drive myself from my soul and spirit. The more I am able to trust and be, the more fully alive I feel and the more abandon I can experience.
Imagine that, focusing on abandon rather than abandonment.
I have known that Living was the focus since the moon was New. I have been Living it. I was at a loss for a song though – it’s become a bit of a bellwether, leading me toward a more full expression of my intent. I had thought I had one, but it didn’t have the right feel. Finally tonight I found what I had been yearning for, and I am surprised this is the first New Moon focus I’m using this song for.
The last time I posted it on Facebook was on August 17, 2016. In that post I wrote “everywhere is a new chance to heal, grow, become, and celebrate all the little things that make us who we are.”
That sounds a lot like Living to me.
“I’m not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime.”
Last Wednesday at 7:05am the moon was new again. I’m happy to be feeling better than I was last month and to show signs of having these posts back on track again. Last month’s focus was on a much needed Remedy. In some ways, it was a bit of a placeholder focus – but at the same time it was a much needed one – and it helped deliver the insight to “not lose sight of what may be right in front of you”.
Before I chose Remedy last month – or before it chose me – I had been experimenting with different ideas for focus. I had even thought I had chosen one. As I contemplated what this month may suggest, I drilled down to an even tighter focus.
It’s no secret to most of you that I grapple with bouts of severe anxiety. I have a whole box of tools and years of experience that help me cope and allow me to present in such a way that only the souls who know me best can see exactly where my brain isn’t. This anxiety is borne mostly by my reactions to perceived expectations – I have an innate (and unnatural) need to make sure everyone and everything else is okay, often to the detriment of myself.
I was about to relate a story from childhood that I view as the root cause of this need to satisfy global perceptions – but I erased the paragraph. Suffice it to say I know the cause. It was innocent and I have reconciled the intention – but I cannot just “undo” the subsequent years of my reinforcing it. It’s a process. Life is a process.
The process of my life right now is walking me down roads filled with choice and intention, and through these processes I’m beginning to understand that the more I am able to live my life in a deliberate state of choice, the safer I feel both physically and emotionally. Sure, there are times circumstances are thrust upon us and we have to just react – but if there are moments to stretch the muscles of choice, of listening carefully to our own inner voices and acting on their will, the more we build the habits that lend us feelings of Safety.
I had the honor of attending the wedding of an unlikely but cherished friend this weekend. I opted to go alone as the ceremony was up in the lands that my parents families had settled in and I wanted to commune a bit there. The ceremony was beautiful – filled with culture and reverence and inclusion and joy. Toward the end of the night though the dancing began. I have always said I’d much rather play the music than dance to it – and the gods have allowed that. I danced in my soul for my friend and her life – but not on the dance floor.
One day I will look at myself with a less critical eye. One day I will loose the shackles that keep my spirit smaller than it needs to be. For today though, I will focus on what it means, and how it feels, for my spirit to experience Safety.
On September 6 at 8:52pm, the moon was new. Monday night at 7:55pm the Harvest Moon was full.
The focus last month was Authenticity, and I spoke about trying to “surround yourself, and nurture relationships, with people who trust and value you for who you are and want to build space where there is relative safety.” I didn’t realize how interwoven Authenticity and Safety would become during that cycle. The end of August saw one of my most disorienting panic episodes in years, followed that same week by some deeply triggering aftershocks. I did manage some healing time over that weekend and started to find my footing again. It was all about honoring how I was feeling above and beyond how I felt I was expected to feel. Putting one’s own oxygen mask on first.
The following weekend, Labor Day weekend, I had surgery on my jaw to place two implants. I had thought about what this month’s focus would be and even started to draft a post. Then on September 7th my body decided it was done. Fever and fatigue without explanation dug in for the better part of two weeks. It wasn’t Covid according to an antigen test, but I was out.
Being so out of it for the first two weeks of this cycle really drove that theme home – because there was no energy for being anything but Authentic. Those two weeks were limited to doing only what was necessary. Consequently I’ve been wrestling with this month’s focus. I didn’t want my original choice because we’re three weeks in and I haven’t been able to work with it at all. Two days ago I thought I’d chosen a fitting focus but that felt forced.
Today as I was walking, I reflected on last night’s band rehearsal and it hit me. Coming off the panic, the surgery, and the mystery illness – I’ve needed a Remedy. Surreptitiously enough, The Remedy was a song I’d suggested for the band the Sunday after my surgery and we ran through for the first time last night. It’s been my companion through my healing – and important lesson to not lose sight of what may be right in front of you.
Two weeks ago, on August 8th at 9:50am, the moon was new again. This morning, at 8:02am, the moon was full again. Yet here we are – only now posting the intention I’ve been living with for two weeks.
Last month’s focus was Identity, and in that post I reasoned that “I’ve spent much of my life putting on masks and being someone else – to the point that it feels like very, very few people truly have a sense of the real me.”
This constant need to please, or not offend, has been draining. Several years ago when working through David Richo’s “Shadow Dance” I learned more about what drives that aspect of my personality, and how to temper it. Wanting to please people, and wanting others to be happy, only becomes a bad thing when it isn’t genuine or is in some way harmful. One could argue that the act of being deceptive, even as the means to a beneficial end, is in itself harmful.
I’ve had the opportunity over the past few weeks to spend time with people who hold very safe and non-judgmental places for me where I’ve been able to practice very intentional communication. In these moments I find I’ve been able to dig down and understand the shenpa, or attachment, that bind certain emotions to certain circumstances.
For example, last month I had shared time with someone who had told me afterward that they needed to decompress a bit after our visit because there was so much energy in the time we’d spent together. I was grateful for their being able to state what they were feeling, and even more grateful that they knew I was a safe space to both voice it and work through it.
A few weeks later I spent time with another friend just hiking through a park. Near the end of the hike they’d suggested just sitting on a bench near the stream. We sat together, in silence, for about 15 minutes. It was set aside as a kind of meditative experience so no conversation was expected and that caused me to reflect on the joy of sharing silence with someone.
The next day, I had plans to see the first friend again, and while out for a walk with them, there was a period of silence. As we walked in the quiet I felt the shenpa. I wanted to say something, I wanted to fill the space. I dug down and realized that emotionally, silence had been a harbinger of bad times. Too many passive/aggressive people in my past would go quiet – and when asked if something was bothering them, they would say ‘no’, despite the fact that they were holding anger or disappoint or sadness related to me. My coping mechanism created the rule that if there’s no silence, nothing will be wrong.
In that silence that day I realized that if people can’t own their emotions and their experiences, it is not my responsibility to placate them and provide a distracting or entertaining atmosphere. Much better to surround yourself, and nurture relationships, with people who trust and value you for who you are and want to build space where there is relative safety. I don’t need to wear the masks.
So the theme for this month is Authenticity. As I was crafting this post I came to learn that there is a lot of popular pushback against striving for “Authenticity”. That doesn’t bother me. In my research I discovered that Authentic, as defined in existentialist philosophy, is “relating to or denoting an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life.” In my view, there should not be cause to push back against being emotionally appropriate, purposeful, or responsible.
As the weeks have gone along, I have had more opportunity to practice this kind of Authenticity. I realize in those moments that I feel very vulnerable – my safety net of trying to put the happiness of others ahead of my own is deeply engrained – but being able to be vulnerable in a trusted space is empowering. It gives me courage to be true to myself, and vulnerable, in less deliberate spaces. This weekend I was even able to share the inner workings of all of this with another trusted soul and I believe it helped affirm to them that I can be a safe space as well.
The song for this month is “As We Go Along” from The Monkees. I chose it because I feel like I’m singing the first verse to myself:
I can tell by your face / that you’re looking to find a place To settle your mind and reveal who you are And you shouldn’t be shy / for I’m not gonna try To hurt you or heal you or steal your star
Monkees. Lyrics to “As We Go Along.” Carole King, 2021, caroleking.com/discography/songs/we-go-along.
As I move through these changes, I might not always be who you have come to expect – but I hope we can meet in a place where you get to know who’s been hiding under all the layers.
Yesterday at 9:17pm the moon was new again – so as I sit to write this, I’m only 24 hours past when I should have posted – compared to the last few months, this is progress.
Last month’s focus was on Perspective. In that post I had said that “Seeing myself for who I am, and growing more comfortable in the concept of my own self, has shifted that Perspective and shows me that had I stopped trying so hard, I might have been able to welcome the gifts I’d been chasing away.”
I’ve spent much of my life putting on masks and being someone else – to the point that it feels like very, very few people truly have a sense of the real me. I entered this world (as I understand the stories) with my mother wanting to name me Sean and my father wanting to name me Patrick – so vivid is this distinction that I honestly can’t recall one time my father called me Sean. Interestingly, I have no memory of my mother ever calling me that either. My dad always used to use Pat or SeanPatrick – I honestly have no idea what my mother called me.
But being born into a naming controversy was just the first step – I was also born an uncle. The younger of my two sisters has used the phrase “Uncle Baby Sean Patrick” – I’m not sure how widespread that might have been, but it’s accurate. I had to play the role of child, but I also had to find ways to relate on a different level with siblings who had children that were around my age. I was compelled to grasp deeper concepts, but still stand at the top of the stairs and sing Moon River as company was leaving.
This concept of Identity was underscored at band rehearsal recently – and again at last week’s gig – when my band family started to rattle off the roles I play in the group. Keyboardist, background vocalist, sometime lead vocalist, guitarist, sound engineer, accountant… I’m happy to do all of them – but those are a lot of hats. I said to my boss in work this week that while I have a title, I’m really a utility infielder – whatever we need, she should feel free to throw me at that role.
I’m grateful that I can function reasonably well in different areas – but from my own Perspective, it can be distracting. Who am I?
So the theme for this cycle is Identity. I want to get a sense of how I feel in all of the roles I play and try to determine what about them brings Me joy. I don’t think I’m going to stop doing any of the things I do, or stop being who I am to the myriad people in my life – but I need to get a handle on what works for me, and not just what serves everyone else’s needs. I said once to someone not long ago that I didn’t want to be the value to a variable in someone else’s equation – I wanted to know my own worth. I think this is the goal of all of these posts in total though – not just confined to one month. Still – it’s good to know the question.
I struggled with a song for this post; with no fewer than half a dozen songs fitting the theme in one way or another. I finally settled on something meaningful but obscure – a little known track from Billy Squier’s “Don’t Say No” album called “Nobody Knows”. This is actually one of the three songs I want played at my funeral (the others being Queen’s “Teo Torriatte” and Supertramp’s “Take The Long Way Home”). “Nobody Knows” won the place in this post though because the couplet at the end of the first bridge really seems to capture the feeling of finding the “real” me – “We all got something that we care about, I propose you find it out…”
As always, thank you all for coming along on this journey of self-discovery!
