Nox Amicus

On Thursday, June 10th at 6:53am the moon was new again, coinciding with the solar eclipse, and closing out last month’s focus of Evolution. In that post I had said that the innate ability to redeem ourselves and do better, to enact an adaptation and propagate it forward in our time-stream, is how we Evolve. 

For reasons I cannot fully explain, I have not found myself able to Evolve any closer to publishing these notes on the day of the New Moon. I have known for weeks what this theme would be, but the words escaped me. Perhaps in time. Perhaps all things in time.

The focus on personal Evolution caused me to reflect on some moments in my life, as I drew the path from where I was to where I am. As I looked back, I found that times when I thought things were so “bad”, were really just moments of choice and growth. Sure, there are things I wish I would have done differently – that might not have caused others quite so much hurt – but I don’t know that I would have altered course all that drastically. Sometimes bridges do need to be burned.

As I reflected though I found an interesting pattern. The times that I seem to have regretted the most were times when I was intentionally not being true to myself. One of the difficulties of being born late into an already developed family is the sense that I had to accelerate my maturity. I had to be what I imagined everyone was expecting, rather than feel like I had the freedom to simply be. This “programming” extended through my growth and development – announcing my arrival to grade school with the precocious question “could you please direct me to the first grade?” – a fine example. What six year old says that? It perpetuated even up until recent years – with being so self-conscious about my body image (among so many other things) that I felt I had to use costumes or personalities or some other artifice to be part of whatever I was already naturally welcomed to.

Now that the hair is long and the weight is coming off – I’m seeing the “me” I’d always seen in my mind – and I’m finding it easier to be that person. Will I fit in everywhere? No. Am I the person people have come to “expect”? Maybe. That depends on how deeply they were looking. But I’m finally at the point in my evolution where I feel like I can start to set aside the smoke and mirrors and just be “me”.

Which brings me to this cycle’s intention – Perspective. When I was in the midst of all of the awkward moments, and misguided schemes, and the overcomplicated “trying too hard”, I thought I was in quicksand. I felt I had to do and be “more” just to maintain position. Seeing myself for who I am, and growing more comfortable in the concept of my own self, has shifted that Perspective and shows me that had I stopped trying so hard, I might have been able to welcome the gifts I’d been chasing away.

So for this cycle I want to work to intentionally shift my Perspective – pairing what I see from my perceived vantage point with what I imagine I might see from my preferred situation. See what we have, but also look at our destination through eyes that have already arrived there. It’s easy to appreciate Perspective in hindsight – but can it be possible to provoke Perspective in foresight?

The first step in seeing the things we’re looking for is to open up our eyes.

Last Tuesday at 3pm the moon was new again, and it looks like I’m actually going to get this one posted before a full week elapses. Progress!

Last month’s focus was on Well-being – not just a recap of my efforts to get my physical Well-being into shape (pun intended), but with an eye toward my metaphysical well-being too. All wrapped in an effort to “be” well. The physical side keeps progressing – continuing to monitor the diet and exercise, leveraging my OCD superpower to dig into all of the metrics. It’s good not only to be able to see changes, but note cause and effect too. Internally I’m starting to get some sense of balance back and have become a bit more self-motivated again. It’s a process.

Which brings me to this month’s focus. Echoing the mention of progress and process so far, this month’s focus is Evolution. Looking back at the past three months – seeing Acceptance (of where we are and our circumstance), Time (the ever-flowing path we move along), and Well-being (an intention of manifesting wellness along that path) – Evolution seemed like a good sign post. It provides an opportunity for both reflection and planning – and unlike metamorphosis, it doesn’t imply a completion to the process.

As someone who observes milestones, May can be a challenging month for me. I look back and see SO many things I wish I could have done or handled differently, and I wonder if I really learned from those many mistakes, or whether I still let the same insecurities manifest today. Honestly, I would rather cultivate new insecurities and make new mistakes. I also look at moments in my life that others see as failures and I have no regret or remorse – so I suppose there really are no absolutes.

What I do believe is that we are all on an arc of redemption. We screw up, we figure it out, we make amends if they’re warranted, and we do better next time. This innate ability to redeem ourselves and do better, to enact an adaptation and propagate it forward in out time-stream, this is how we Evolve.

All of the songs that came to mind for this post didn’t quite fit for one reason or another. Then, reflecting on a moment over the weekend, and encouraged by yet another moment today – intuition calls for me to post this one. Each day is a new opportunity to change course, a new chance at redemption, and another step in our Evolution.

At 10:31pm on Sunday, April 11th, the moon was New again. Almost two weeks ago now, but the theme for that cycle was Time – and last month I was also two weeks into the cycle before the announcement came – so really, I’m right on schedule. Perspective counts for a lot.

The theme of Time was particularly poignant – but I carry forward the fact that every moment counts, and redemption or salvation can be on our next breath.

The theme for this month saw its inception in one such moment. It was late February when I was gently called to be mindful of the sugar I was putting into my coffee.

Those of you who have been following along for the past year know that I’ve been struggling with weight, increased blood pressure, high blood sugar, and abnormal cholesterol and triglyceride levels. All indicators of something called Metabolic Syndrome which increases my risk of heart disease, stroke, and type 2 diabetes.  I’d started walking last year and was incredibly proud of myself, until the bloodwork came back barely changed.

So – sugar. At first I brushed it off and drank the coffee. The next day I thought about it again and looked at how many grams of sugar I was starting out my day with. Recommendations say you should consume no more than 35-60 grams of added sugar per day. I was starting every day with 36. I went back to diligently keeping a food diary – then suddenly, as if no one had ever said it before, came the epiphany – diet and exercise.

The app I use suggested a 1500 calorie/day diet – with a cap of 57g of sugar, 17g saturated fat, and a suggested 76g of protein. So on March 3rd I began. In that time I’ve lost 11 pounds. When I had my bloodwork done at the end of March they were the best results I’d had since 2010 – total cholesterol and triglycerides are in a normal range and my A1c is down from 5.9 to 5.5. Right now, I’m at my lowest consistent weight in 15 years and am averaging nearly 6000 steps/day.

So the theme for this month is Well-being. I am moved to choose it primarily because of the physical aspect, but I am also called to examine the more metaphysical interpretation. Spiritual mentors I respect speak of being “a proper person, properly prepared” – my physical Well-being is improving, but how can I improve my overall state of Being Well? Now that the ship is being rehabbed, how can I be sure the captain is in good shape?

To this end I want to go back a few years and revisit The Four Agreements – Be Impeccable With Your Word, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions, and Always Do Your Best. I’ve fallen down on all but the first lately, and I know I want to be better. I also want to try to apply some focus to the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path – Right Understanding, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. I seem to be pulled in directions that lead away from my true sense of self, not toward it. While this is to be expected from time to time, it’s gone on longer than I’m comfortable with – so let’s draw the circle a little tighter for a bit. My thinking is that by focusing on the basics and examining how I’m living my life, I can bring clarity to those moments where I’m falling away from my best self – and in so doing, “Be” well.

No song this time – I had a few choices, but they all seemed to veer too far from the theme for this cycle; and frankly, veering too far from the theme is the problem to be answered this month.

Wishing everyone well-being!!

At 5:12am on Saturday, March 13th, the Moon was New. Now, we’re nearly half way through the cycle and I haven’t announced what this month’s intention is yet.

Am I late? No – and such is my lesson this cycle. Everything happens in its own Time. It might not be the Time we expect, or the Time we want, but it happens when it is designed to.

Last month’s theme was about Acceptance. It focused a lot on my being Accepted by others, relating a story from my high school years that underscored a sense of being somewhat ostracized – which ended up being far more of a blessing than a curse. In many ways, that set the stage for this cycle. All is as it is designed to be.

Despite the theme of Acceptance though, I fought against it a lot. The post itself didn’t get nearly the traction I had wanted it to – and yes, I had a really hard Time Accepting that. It was just one of the many, many things that called for Acceptance last cycle. But through all the back and forth with myself, the way I closed the last post was the thing that was important to be carried forward: “When people of good character show up in our lives being unapologetically who they are they should be embraced, not questioned, because it is their very diversity that gives color to our worlds.”

Many of you know I’m a stickler for dates – anniversaries are important milestones. They provide an opportunity to look at where we are and where we’ve been – and look forward to where we might go. I’m not talking about personal relationship anniversaries here – though they are in many ways more important – but I’m talking about other kinds of life changes.

Just before the last cycle ended, on March 12th, it was the 8th anniversary of the interview which led to my career re-birth. The following Tuesday, the 16th, was the 7th anniversary of my separation from a spiritual community that had helped to redefine my spirituality, and gave me many trusted friends I still look to today. While I railed against my “unwelcoming” for a long time, I see now that there were lessons to learn about how people choose to behave, and the value of compassion. Then just this past Saturday, Ostara, was the 5th anniversary of my dedication to my current spiritual community – for whom I am ever grateful.

But among all of those anniversaries are also ones from just last year. March 11th marked one year since I sat in a bar to pass an evening with a drink and a friend. We will get back to those days – but we have to move through these difficult ones first.

So the theme this cycle is Time. For those of you who are saying “but you always said Time doesn’t exist” – I still maintain it is an artificial construct to measure the passage of matter and energy through space. But that’s the point. We all move through this space – sometimes aware of the moments we’re spending, sometimes pained by the moments in our memory, sometimes too focused on the moments to come. In reality, we can only truly function in one moment at a time. Stop. Breathe. Appreciate the good and bad in this moment.

There were so many songs that could have been the soundtrack to this post – but I’m returning to an old favorite. Rather than the official video, I’m posting a lyric video – because words matter.

Savor each moment. Enjoy every sandwich. Love without agenda.

Last Tuesday afternoon the moon was new and the time had come to complete the past cycle and begin this one.

Last month I focused on Words – their audience, their intent, and their meaning. Words are at the core of my self-expression – I sit and think and craft what I’m going to say, mostly because I realized long ago that one of my two biggest fears is being misunderstood.

I was on the brink of using Words last Monday, and using them in a way that risked muddling the message I was trying to send. Someone had posted something on Facebook about an advance they’d made in their life and self-expression, and I was about to comment on a realization I had had several years before that prompted me to think similarly.

Then I stopped. How was what I was preparing to say serving HIS story? Was it doing anything at all other than promoting myself? Was I just trying to be cool?

Cool.

I grew up with Happy Days and Fonzie – cool was in my psyche at a critical developmental stage. In seventh grade, I knew I wasn’t cool – I had no hope of being cool. My parents were the ages of the grandparents of most of my peers. I had a world-view and priorities that weren’t at all like those of my classmates. Everything for me was cause and effect, everything was quantifiable. So I approached a classmate who I saw as “cool” and asked him what would qualify. I tried to establish some kind of scale where things you did or said accrued “points” and once you got enough points you were cool.

Hopeless. Utterly hopeless.

During my freshman year in high school I torpedoed any possible chance of “cool”. There was a talent show and I thought I’d enter and sing. I’d been in the grade school glee club, and I used to sing at home with my sister, so this seemed like a good plan. The downside was that I had zero knowledge of popular music. My dad was 63 when I was in high school – so the music at home was mostly his big band records. My sister introduced me to The Carpenters and Barry Manilow – but I knew they wouldn’t fit. My father’s favorite contemporary song was “If” by Bread. He also liked the jazz guitarist Tony Mottola, who had recorded a jazz instrumental version of “If”. So what do I do? Stand in front of my entire high school as a freshman and sing “If” backed by Tony Mottola’s jazz guitar. Thus ended any hopes of my ever being one of the “cool” kids. At least I walked away feeling like I’d honored my father and his sacrifices that put me in that school.

But time is a funny thing. The time at home getting lost in music helped me find my first group of real friends – oddly enough, met at a Halloween party trying to pick music for everyone else to listen to. It put me in the folk group at school where more friends were made. All of these people are still profoundly important in my life. This “outsiderness” also fed my fascination with computers, which led to my first career, which led to my first band. Fast forward to today and all of the gifts that made me an outsider then are the things I am valued for in my communities today.

So the theme for this cycle is Acceptance. To be cool is to find Acceptance – but to be able to be yourself and to find Acceptance is even better. When people of good character show up in our lives being unapologetically who they are they should be embraced, not questioned, because it is their very diversity that gives color to our worlds.

As Tuesday moved into Wednesday this week, at precisely midnight, the moon became New Again. It’s the first New Moon of 2021 and a time for new possibilities – and in this case, time to dig deeper into the work of these posts.

During this past cycle my focus was on the business of the end of the year – primarily Releasing that which did not serve me, and in doing so, welcoming either something new or the space to allow better things to grow.

One of the things I’ve wanted to Release from last year was fear and anxiety. The last few months of the year saw it consume me – all of it based on historical triggers that can’t be erased, just re-framed. I focused a lot on things I had done that I wish I could undo, and on wrongs that were done to me. All the scars that make up who we are. My goal wasn’t to get rid of them – they are woven into my fabric – but I wanted to blend and soften them a bit.

Anxiety isn’t always bad. When I was young, starting at about five years old, I rebelled against the Catholic Church – there was SO much incongruity and hypocrisy (some of you know the story of when, at a precocious age, I asked a priest why he yelled so much during a homily). Fast forward a few years and there was a priest in my grade school parish who was the first spiritual leader that made sense. There’s a bit in the Catholic Mass just after the Lord’s Prayer known as the embolism. The line, spoken by the officiant, was “Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.”  Father Sullivan never said it that way though – he said “…from all undue anxiety…”. Suddenly faith could be malleable, even if it wasn’t taught that way. The addition of a single Word made me feel less edgy and more hopeful. Subconsciously, this was imprinted – “the words you use matter”.

A few years later my dad began working from home. He was a regional sales manager and traveled a lot – so why rent an office only he ever went to? I got to watch him at his IBM Selectric typewriter – typing letter after letter. Phones weren’t really his thing either – it was all about writing. I saw him type thoughts, crafting paragraphs on the fly. That stuck too. Words matter.

The lessons continued – public speaking in high school, radio in college, newspaper writing after that, the radio/television/film degree, the communications degree – words matter; what we say, and how we say them – right down to the nuance of choice. Sure – there have been times when I’ve spoken before I’ve thought and I really wished I could take something back – but I try to learn from those times.

A few weeks ago I started to explore TikTok. I had dismissed it – I just didn’t have time for the kinds of content I’d seen – but it’s tough to disregard a billion people. I created an account and let the algorithm guide me. I began to find “my people” – nerdy, geeky, shy, anxious, talented, confident – all finding new and different ways to express themselves. I liked, I followed, I chatted – I haven’t posted yet, but I already have 28 followers who are waiting.

The algorithm led me to someone who was singing an original song about their experience with bullying. Their performance was raw and powerful – if there was a genre for “punk-folk ukulele”, this was it. But there was a line at the end of the verse that floored me: “They don’t even have to hurt me to keep me in my place”. My years of fear and anxiety coalesced by someone else’s words. So I commented – like you do. My comment was basically “This powerful truth is resonant… thank you for putting words to my feelings too.” As of this writing 2100 people have ‘liked’ my comment. This person and their song touched tens of thousands of souls, and my gratitude was echoed by two thousand. Their words made a difference – and apparently, mine did too.

So the focus this month is Words. Which Words are used, when they are used, how they are used, who hears them, and what was their audience and intent? Sometimes the message is explicit, sometimes implicit, but every message eventually finds its audience.

No song this time – neither The Monkees nor Missing Persons fit this theme. But I will sign off with a quote from Rumi…

“Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” -Rumi

On Monday morning the moon was New again – the last New Moon for 2020. Yes, we’re starting to talk about “the last [x] for 2020”.

During the last cycle, I focused on Motivation. I had acknowledged that Words of Affirmation were high on my list of sources of Motivation, but what else? And how could I be more self-sufficient in my Motivation? How can I make the most of the gift of time?

I ended up spending a lot of the last cycle listening – listening for cues to where the next step might be, listening to my intuition – seeing where I was drawn and where I was pulled away, and more than anything, listening to the silence.

I was also gearing up for the tooth extraction. I had been really disappointed in myself for how the first attempt went – but at the same time, forgiving. My body and my psychology have often had their own agenda and I’ve gone along for the ride. But I started to dig into that more – trying to find the motivation for the anxiety. I dug back – way back – to an incident from grade school and an incident from high school. Things that until now less than a handful of people knew – and even now, only a few more – but encounters that both shape and haunt me. I did my digging though – and learned to accept that the past is in the past.

It was interesting looking at these chapters and seeing how they had helped to adversely motivate me throughout my life. Holding onto a regret from grade school, and another from high school – all wrapped in “I could have been/done better”. Perhaps the analysis of Motivation wasn’t just what nudges me forward – but what also urges me to hold back.

Something interesting has been happening during the recovery from the extraction though. There was apparently a substantial infection under the tooth – something that could have been there since the audible root fracture earlier this year – but I suspect it’s been there even longer. I “feel” different now that it’s been removed – my brain is clearer, I have more energy (despite still being tired) – in essence, I feel like the toxicity is gone. I feel like a lot of my toxic internal dialog and anti-motivation has gone with it. I’m not as anxious – I’ve been taking my blood pressure daily and since the surgery, I’m down about 20 points.

Perhaps working through and targeting motivational elements of my anxiety, and then having a physical manifestation of that toxicity removed, has opened a new path on this journey.

Which brings us to the theme for this cycle – Release. There is so much to Release from this year – the year, to start – but the emptiness, the fear, the disappointment, the disenfranchisement, the longing. As we look toward 2021 and the easing of viruses and toxicity – both literal and metaphorical – how will we look back? It’s said that distance makes everything seem small – I am hoping that before we get too deep into 2021, toxicity at a global, national, and personal level are all diminished.

So this cycle I will work to continue to Release the things that hold me back, that stop me from being as healthy as I can be, and that hinder me from sharing my best with those around me. There will be new infections, new storms, new battles to fight; but maybe by releasing the emergency brake, I can navigate them all just a little more fluidly.

Shortly after midnight Sunday morning the moon was New again – so it became time to review the last cycle and prepare for this one.

Last month I spoke about Intention, and as I did, I said “It’s not enough to know what we do and why we do it – but it’s important, especially right now, to understand all the nuance around us.”

There is a German proverb that says “Der liebe Gott steckt im detail”, which translates to ‘God is in the detail’. There are other variants that say that the devil is in the detail – but the end result is that whatever will save or ruin you is not always what is obvious to you, but breathes in whatever is under the surface.

That nuance bit me this month. I had been so focused on Intention that I had lost track of Motivation. To me, Intention describes what our thought process is AS we are doing a thing – while Motivation occurs before the fact, and provides the answer to WHY we are doing the thing. How did we get to be at Choice? What drives us to move in a particular direction? Who has the influence to Motivate us? It is interesting to me that Motivation is wrapped up in four of the six journalistic questions.

I have been feeling mired in doldrums for quite a while lately. I’m sure this isn’t unique to me, as I suspect much of it is pandemic related. I can usually self-motivate pretty well – but when there is a lack of positive feedback it takes a toll. Not being able to play music with the band has been tough. Also, over the last few months, there has also been a near absence of professional feedback.

This week saw a change though and opened my eyes to this lack of Motivation. I took a “tech support” question from a friend and spent about half an hour troubleshooting over the phone until we cleared the issue. The accomplishment felt great, but even better was a few hours later when I got a beautiful ‘thank you’ email. It was then that the prior lack of personal or professional feedback came into focus.

So this month I’ll look at Motivation. Just as there are ‘love languages’, I imagine there are Motivation-languages too – so what are mine? Words of Affirmation, certainly – but anything else? Also, I have always recognized that my needs are not as dire in these times as those of many that I’m close to – so how can I be more self-sufficient in my Motivation? How can I make the most of the gift of time?

On Friday, October 16th the moon was New, so eight days ago I was called to find a focus for this cycle. The last cycle saw my attention move to Stillness. Before speaking, I wanted to ask myself who or what would I be speaking for? Was I speaking an actual truth, or simply my truth? Would there be a benefit to these words or actions beyond my own ego?

There are a lot of words flying around these days. Politics has a way of convincing everyone that they are the ones with the moral high ground. Myself included. But I also believe that there is no such thing as a moral high ground – that everything is a matter of perspective. You are not absolutely right about anything. Neither am I. So that is where we can begin.

Finding this cycle’s focus was amusing. I asked what the Intention should be – and the word I got back was Intention. It’s a word I found trouble with some years back – I learned the hard way that it is dangerous to act and react without knowing what your Intent is. That differs from motivation – we act on motivation all the time – but to what end? And do we really examine the cost? We post something snarky on social media because we’re blowing off steam, but what if the eyes that see the post don’t share our snark? Words are powerful. And words are actions.

We know that every action has a reaction – but I want to share something from an old spiritual path. When we throw a stone – we change, the stone changes, the medium the stone passes through changes, and the place where the stone lands changes. There is impact to more than we initially see – this is why Intention is important.

It’s not enough to know what we do and why we do it – but it’s important, especially right now, to understand all the nuance around us.

No song this time – and that’s done with Intent too.

This morning at 7am (ET) the moon was new again – filled with possibilities for the upcoming cycle.

Last month I chose the Domino as a point of focus. As part of last month’s post, I was asked what happens if you get out of line, or get into a new line. I replied that being the Domino is more about what happens when we’re at choice. That we can arrive there when waiting is filled, or we can create our own inflection point. Either way – when it’s time to act, it’s time to act – even if action is inaction.

There were many opportunities to focus on that point of choice this past cycle. Whether to act or observe, whether to speak or be silent, whether to be in motion or to be still.

This is a time when many of us are moved by our passions or beliefs to rise and defend or proselytize our positions on the events of the day. Passions are running very high and there is little to no room for compromise.

In March of 2014, I locked into the spiritual path that I’m currently on, and one of the lessons that the Universe has been trying to teach me is to know when to “sit down and shut up”. It sounds a lot more coarse than it is – but that’s to provide emphasis. Can something really be gained by acting or speaking publicly or are we just looking to stand on a soapbox and be heard? Our opinions always matter – but that doesn’t mean they should (or even need to) be shared.

There is a four-step path to action in my faith – To Know, To Will, To Dare, and To Keep Silent. In my interpretation, this translates to having a thought, to decide or will to put the thought into action, to actually dare to commit to the action, and then to keep silent and not be boisterous about it. Energetically this last part sends the action out to its own fruition – where speaking about it might draw it back to us. It also dovetails nicely with my mantra to ‘want without expectation’.

To me, this silence is the most important piece – without it, none of the rest has much hope for success. So for this lunar cycle, my theme will be Stillness. Before speaking, I want to ask myself who or what am I speaking for? Am I speaking an actual truth, or simply my truth? Is there a benefit to these words or actions beyond my own ego?

Many paths allow for meditation or silent reflection, and this year has certainly brought its share of opportunities for solitude – but I have to wonder if I’ve actually used that effectively. For all of these reasons, I feel that it’s important this month for me to really learn to be still.

https://youtu.be/WejIlP5nFxo