Nox Amicus

For each new moon this year I’ve chosen a different facet of myself to try to develop. Last month was a little weird – I tried to find healthy ways of being attentive to myself rather than relying on unhealthy behaviors. It was good – and will continue to be – but it left me with a lot of questions about what motivates me.

So as we start to wind down this calendar year – I’m going to make this cycle about self-reflection. Taking the time to examine the efforts of the previous nine cycles and really digging in to what I need most from the last two.

We had a New Moon very early Wednesday morning, but this is my first opportunity to write about this cycle’s intention. Last cycle’s theme of resiliency – bouncing up off the mat – was a good one. I used the prior cycle’s tools of self advocacy and tried to communicate clearly and concisely on a few occasions. It’s still a new skill, and I did fall a number of times – but, resiliency – we get back up.

This past weekend’s trip to LA pointed to this cycle’s work. I have a “human contact paradox” that many of you are familiar with. I want and like human contact, but I also have wicked bad social anxiety – I guess I’m like a cat that way, pet me until I scratch you. I was reminded while meditating of “you must find within before you can find without” – so okay, how do I give myself the attention that contact with others conveys? My hope is that taking away my “need” will help to make each interaction more balanced and genuine. I’m also learning that being attentive to others might require a change in my own paradigm as well. So this cycle’s theme is self-attention, with a side order of mindfulness of the energies conveyed in my attention to others.

Another new moon and another point of focus. Given the current trials with my thumb and knee, I was tempted to go for self-healing – but that would have been wrong. While I do play a part in my healing, it’s never solely up to me.

But how I choose to bounce back is. How I recover from physical injury, how I recover from emotional hurt, how I strive for new heights as I embrace the prior cycle’s theme of self-advocacy.

So this cycle holds a theme of Self-Resiliency. As I work to let go of some powerful ghosts, as I dedicate myself to new levels of spiritual growth, as I tend to the needs of this physical vessel, I need to build the space for recovery, for rebound, and look to harvest the blessings I’ve worked to sow the seeds for.

I struggled a bit with this cycle’s New Moon intention. I’ve moved through self-awareness, self-discovery, self-forgiveness, self-determination, self-expression, and this past cycle’s focus on self-improvement. Greece helped a lot in showing what I was physically capable of, and what still needs to be changed. The trip also broadened my understanding and appreciation for my spiritual life.

I had thought this cycle might have been spent basking in the work done so far – but I’m finding I’m not quite finished with the themes of self-determination and self-expression – be it personal or professional, I’m still reluctant to truly speak up for myself.

This has been a year of really being mindful of the steps on my path, and tonight brings me to another New Moon intention to set. This year I’ve moved through self-awareness, self-discovery, self-forgiveness, self-determination, self-expression – and with this cycle I move to self-improvement. I have a better sense of myself, my strengths, and limitations and I feel like I have some degree of self-determination and that I’m developing the skills to express it. So now, how to improve by building on all of that. The enlightenment I hope to get from the Greece trip feels like a great first step!!

Every new moon I pick a new topic to reflect on. In January it was self-awareness, February was self-discovery, and March was self-forgiveness. I really had planned on this new moon being about something else… but it’s just not time for that yet. Instead, this cycle will be about self-determination.

There are times in our lives where we act against our own best interests – we do things that inadvertently hurt ourselves or others – but good or bad, we always have a choice. Over the next few weeks I want to try to be more mindful of those cusps and try to lean toward nurturing and fulfillment – not just for myself but for those around me as well.

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more…”

I’m back online now.

There are battles to be fought, and wars to be won.