Nox Amicus

I’m discovering that many of my relationships have been complicated – especially the older those relationships are. Some of that is attributable to growing together, some just the compromises two personalities make to try to find joy in one another.

My best friend and I have a very complicated relationship. We’ve known each other for nearly 40 years and have been through a lot of changes. He’s been without a girlfriend for about 4 years now – and sitting at the bar with him the other night it dawned on me that I had become his nurturing relationship. In that moment I felt my feminine side, and began to understand something that I’d already begun to think about.

In simple terms, I’m redefining my archetypes of masculine and feminine. Reframing my belief that equality AND differences in nature can exist at the same time. This shouldn’t be a revelation to anyone – and wasn’t really to me… but the way I chose to frame it is new to me. My inability to ascribe natural sexuality relevant to gender was really called out in that conversation – that’s what set the lightbulb on.

As I was growing up, when I developmentally tried to build personal archetypes I used my parents as models – much in the way I guess any child would. The only way for me to wedge my sexuality into that archetype (built on my mother as archetypical female) was to build a construct around it that would legitimize sexuality. My mother’s personality and my parent’s marriage & partnership was asexual. No physical contact, they did not sleep together, and any displays of affection were perfunctory at best.

Now that she’s gone – I’m finding the archetype is collapsing… and I’m awakening to the blending of strength and pliability, dominance and submission, masculine and feminine in the same space – just to varying, and oftentimes shifting degrees. I’m beginning to build a more complete (and admittedly complex) archetype now – one where a woman I am attracted to can both go play in the mud AND rock a little black dress. The internal transformation in my worldview is profound right now. I’m discovering a world where I don’t have to be “Dominant” to be sexual. A world where I can just be “me”.

It’s late in the game for me to be coming to all of this. I’m trying not to regret so much time wasted and so many hearts dismayed. But maybe I can bring all of this around and become balanced, fun, joyful…

…or as a trusted and loving soul recently said… Human.

I’m sitting in an interesting place these days.

About 6 1/2 years ago I was presented with the notion that I could enter into an Open Relationship. We’d talked about poly, how my partner at the time had practical experience, and while I’d had none, I felt like the option of unlimited love was a thing I’d been chasing my whole life.

One way I tend to refer to that relationship is as my “poly-goes-boom” experience. It was horrific, but it showed me by contrast how I wanted to be poly. If it was going to work for me – there had to be clear, open, and adult communication. There couldn’t be retreat in the face of upsetting your partner. Partnerships were supposed to weather those storms together, or they weren’t true partnerships.

A few months after that debacle, I found someone who was also wounded… she was dating casually and “taking the year for herself”. Neither of us had any business falling in love, or being in a relationship… so I’d mention Poly to her and basically said ‘under this framework, we can have both’. She approached her current partner who was receptive to the idea, and that journey began.

Through a number of deep and caring relationships on her part, we kept talking. We weathered storms, we got hurt and then helped one another heal. We were partners concurrent with her other relationships.

That was tested earlier this year when she fell hard for someone just before February’s PolyCon. We had both said we would wish each other love if we found someone we needed to leave the other for… to shift, or even close our relationship – I had the fear that moment had come. It was a real test – and for a while I doubted that I could truly be poly. Poly in the face of dating is one thing, poly in the face of Love – actual polyAMORY is different. But we talked, we were vulnerable, she was honest and we walked through it all together.

Through these years I’ve dated – sometimes successfully, sometimes not. There are souls I still value deeply and count as cherished loved ones even though, for whatever reason, ‘dating’ didn’t quite work for one or both of us. But to establish something more than just dating… I just didn’t know if I could open myself up that much. I knew I wanted to – I just didn’t know if I could push my own edges far enough.

But now I sit wondering at the possibilities. Looking at the landscape of my life, and the quality of my heart, and feeling like ‘yes, I really can do this’. It’s still early, and taking this slow is proving to be a beautiful journey itself. Much like driving a long country road – you don’t know when the next beautiful vista is going to appear over the hill… but take your time, and let the wonders unfold as they will.

This has been a great year of healing – and some of it has been chronicled here. I am so, so very grateful for everyone who has been part of the journey, and part of the healing… and I feel remarkably blessed to be where I am right now.

A few months ago I posted the bulk of this on my Fetlife profile – but as I continue the process of reclaiming the comfort of my own skin, I want to resurrect this blog and start cross-posting here. There are some changes in my life which make this a day of rebirth – and I want to honor all of those changes. and this day.

So, we begin again.

Until the past few months, Nox had been nothing more than a screen name for a number of years. Sure – when I wasn’t in a relationship I’d get together and play with friends infrequently… but for the most part, I was locked down in school, or grad school, or fighting for my job, or losing it and re-defining myself professionally. It was always something, it was always “life”.

Earlier in 2013 a trusted soul said “you were much more like Nox when we met (three years ago) than you are now”. She was right. I was looking at myself and I seemed to have lost SO much of what made me “me”. The edge was gone, the fire was gone, the passion was long gone. Sure – there were a lot of factors involved, but the bottom line was that I’d lost myself.

This past summer I was walking around town with a good friend who was telling me about her astral experiences, and she used the phrase “aspect of yourself”. The conversation and context are not important here, but she got me thinking about the big question – who am I?

I actually wrestled with that for a while. I had completely rebranded myself professionally, I was crawling out of the worst break-up I’d ever had, I was consequently incapable of trust, I wasn’t a student for the first time in 7 years. Who was I??

The answer snuck up on me slowly – but persistently. I am Nox. We write these profiles to describe ourselves to the world – but don’t they also serve to remind us of our own truths? I went to THE’s Beltane last year for the first time, and opened the doors to my sexual self-expression again. I then attended my first Rope Camp and realized that there’s been a crucial component missing from my life for a long while.

So I’ve been active on both CollarMe and Fet again recently – and made my first trip down to The Crucible this fall. It was a Dungeon 101 class – nothing I hadn’t known before – but at the same time, it’s been long enough that starting with the basics was the responsible thing to do. Their exploratorium was pretty great as well. (I discovered I may have a use for a violet wand after all!) My companion also enjoyed her first taste of the vacuum bed. But it was the open play afterwards that fueled me. I didn’t play that night – but realized that I truly need to. Need is an interesting word, certainly – but it fits here.

What does all this mean? That over the next weeks and months I’ll be coming back around again – a munch here or there, or perhaps another event or two. The journey of self-discovery is on-going – and there’s no guarantee the Nox from 7 years ago is the same as now… but life is about the journey – and as much as possible, enjoying the ride!

It’s been a tough couple days as school winds down – but I find I’m smiling more today, and that is a direct result of last night. Sometimes you find yourself on a path, and never understand until you’re a few steps in just how nice a path it is.

Not to mention the joys found in walking it with the right companion.

Smiles are good.

Has anyone else noticed that being active on Fet is very much like having a personal publicist who’s constantly strung-out on caffeine?

Several people have noticed recent changes to my profile, and while that’s not bad – I’ve gotten a few very surprised emails. I guess this is a natural result from having a profile that was stagnant for so long, and a by-product of my being in a place where I’m refining what it is I want and don’t want. It’s a process right now, and there will be more changes to come I’m sure – so keep your seat-belts on.

But it was the most recent “Nox_Amicus is looking for a relationship.” that generated some immediate attention, so I feel the need to add some context. If you know me, you know that I’ve been out of a relationship for some time now, and had labeled myself “emotionally unavailable” while I focused on the transition and came to terms with what I genuinely want from a partner, and what I’m prepared and able to offer. This week I got to the point where I recognized that I am “open” to the possibilities of a relationship – though I don’t know that I’m actively seeking one right now. Although I must acknowledge that karma and fate are interesting allies – so if they present me with someone, I am open to ‘dating’ (as opposed to just looking for a play partner).

The Fet profile didn’t really reflect that, but since there’s no option to say I’m “open” to a relationship, “looking” will have to do.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress…

I’m coming to the conclusion that Alt is not the best place to meet people.

Friends, sure – I’ve met some awesome people here and have been friends with them for years. I’ve found play partners and intimate relationships, but nothing that really sticks.

So I find myself wondering, as a budding friend said, if I too have been putting the cart before the horse. Sure – we all want BDSM compatibility, we yearn for it, and in many cases need it to complete us. Let’s face it, you could be six months into a ‘vanilla’ relationship before you even show your partner that door to the darker side of your soul. Isn’t it easier to just make it part of the criteria up-front?

I used to think so. I used to think – yes, BDSM compatibility first, then let’s hope there can be friendship and love. Now, I think it’s time to try the flip-side. To introduce BDSM to vanilla, rather than temper BDSM with vanilla.

To that end though, I think I may have gone overboard. I’m now on four different dating websites – match, chemistry, datingdna (for the iPhone fans), and OkCupid!

For those of you who may be in the same boat though – OkC seems to be the most kink friendly site out there. Their compatibility questions do venture into the realm of kink. Nothing like the Alt checklist, mind you… but it is there.

That’s where the journey is now… I’ll post here if anything develops and let you know how the grand experiment goes.