Zeus
There have been so many changes in my spiritual path over the past two and a half years that sometimes I don’t even know where to start. I’ve wanted to journal out here for a while, but each time I sat to write it became clearer to me that I was obligated to tell another story first.
In late 2013/early 2014 the grove that I was a member of was focusing the work of our rituals on the study of the Major Arcana of the Tarot. Through the course of that schedule, The Emperor card fell to me. Through my study of the card and its symbolism, I had locked-in on Zeus as a deific personification of the card.
At the time, from everything I’d read, I came to see Zeus as an opportunistic bully. Manipulative and self-serving, with little regard for anyone else or the consequences of his actions. This makes sense considering his place in the pantheon – he doesn’t have to care, so why should he? When he does express what could be seen as affection it comes across more as favoritism. In this way, he reminds me a lot of a dictator.
This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing for the Olympians. Much like Iraq seemed to function better with a dictator in power, perhaps the Olympic deities needed that kind of authoritarian control – but in my view, he imposed his power and control – and in return he received obedience, but not necessarily respect.
I’d been talking this through with friends and was given an interesting spin one day. I came up with “hmm, maybe he’s a bully?” and floated the idea. A trusted friend came back with “most bullies act out of insecurity” – which caused me to look at it from a different angle. What could Zeus be insecure about?
I was contending with a great deal at the time and felt “bullied” myself on a number of different fronts. Grasping for something within my control, I turned to wage war against Zeus. I tried to reconcile it, and somehow find compassion for him, but it just wasn’t coming.
Then as I was getting ready to go to a conference in March of 2014, I was walking through the apartment and my internal dialog spoke… “You’ve heard the legends, but do you know the truth?” I don’t understand how I knew it was Zeus calling to me. I stopped my packing and sat for a minute. Okay… you’re right. All I know is what’s been passed down – I don’t know any facts about you… just the stories. My war ended there. To quote Sun Tzu, “Know thy self, know thy enemy.” In that moment I no longer knew my enemy. (in retrospect I really didn’t know myself either, but that’s a tale for another time). In the peace of that moment Zeus spoke again – “you know what I was dealing with, could I have been anything else?”
Zeus was the King of the Olympians – surrounded by and ruling some very dysfunctional personalities. He could not govern by consensus – no one could with that crowd. He did the best he could with what he had.
Those two sentences from Zeus became great comfort for me in those following months.
Two days after He gave me those gifts, I was ‘unwelcomed’ from my grove, and (unbeknownst to me at the time) from my entire tradition. In the ensuing years, when I’ve been asked to recount the hows and whys I’ve been brutally honest both with myself and those asking. I’ve told the whole truth – including how I could have managed things much differently. Hindsight is always 20/20 – but given who and where I was back then, could I have been anything else? And to those who never bothered to ask, I’m comforted by the fact that they know the legends, but might never really know the truth.
In the past two and a half years, Zeus has been one of three deities who has stuck with me, counseled me, and protected me. My personal gnosis of Zeus is complex, but feels right. He interceded for me with a work thing earlier this month – one of the few times I’ve agreed to being okay with him working on my behalf. The next day, after things inexplicably fell together, I thanked him. Then I wondered – He does so much for me what can I possibly offer in return? The answer was immediate – I give him compassion and understanding. I don’t accept stories as truth and I try to understand what I can in context.
There can be more journal entries now. I needed to move from the past into the present. Thank you Zeus, I hope this pleases you.
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Polyamory
I’m sitting in an interesting place these days.
About 6 1/2 years ago I was presented with the notion that I could enter into an Open Relationship. We’d talked about poly, how my partner at the time had practical experience, and while I’d had none, I felt like the option of unlimited love was a thing I’d been chasing my whole life.
One way I tend to refer to that relationship is as my “poly-goes-boom” experience. It was horrific, but it showed me by contrast how I wanted to be poly. If it was going to work for me – there had to be clear, open, and adult communication. There couldn’t be retreat in the face of upsetting your partner. Partnerships were supposed to weather those storms together, or they weren’t true partnerships.
A few months after that debacle, I found someone who was also wounded… she was dating casually and “taking the year for herself”. Neither of us had any business falling in love, or being in a relationship… so I’d mention Poly to her and basically said ‘under this framework, we can have both’. She approached her current partner who was receptive to the idea, and that journey began.
Through a number of deep and caring relationships on her part, we kept talking. We weathered storms, we got hurt and then helped one another heal. We were partners concurrent with her other relationships.
That was tested earlier this year when she fell hard for someone just before February’s PolyCon. We had both said we would wish each other love if we found someone we needed to leave the other for… to shift, or even close our relationship – I had the fear that moment had come. It was a real test – and for a while I doubted that I could truly be poly. Poly in the face of dating is one thing, poly in the face of Love – actual polyAMORY is different. But we talked, we were vulnerable, she was honest and we walked through it all together.
Through these years I’ve dated – sometimes successfully, sometimes not. There are souls I still value deeply and count as cherished loved ones even though, for whatever reason, ‘dating’ didn’t quite work for one or both of us. But to establish something more than just dating… I just didn’t know if I could open myself up that much. I knew I wanted to – I just didn’t know if I could push my own edges far enough.
But now I sit wondering at the possibilities. Looking at the landscape of my life, and the quality of my heart, and feeling like ‘yes, I really can do this’. It’s still early, and taking this slow is proving to be a beautiful journey itself. Much like driving a long country road – you don’t know when the next beautiful vista is going to appear over the hill… but take your time, and let the wonders unfold as they will.
This has been a great year of healing – and some of it has been chronicled here. I am so, so very grateful for everyone who has been part of the journey, and part of the healing… and I feel remarkably blessed to be where I am right now.
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…I’m smelting…
It’s been a crazy month – it seems like there’s so much to write about that I don’t even know where to start. In December of 2014 there was an incident that caused me to really retreat into myself. To anyone other than me it probably would have been no big deal – but it had, in one move, undermined a lot of the healing and recovering I’d been doing for the two years prior to that. I shut down, I went back into therapy, and I tried to pull it all together… but I was drifting and uncertain. My sexuality was pretty much dormant. Through 2015 I tried dating… I tried everything I could to kick-start myself. I could love – I could have deep, deep feelings… but the trust to be intimate was pretty much gone. Despite this, I managed to meet some wonderful souls who helped affirm my sense of self-worth despite the challenges I was working through. Almost a year after the incident, in November of 2015, I reestablished contact with a friend who means more to me than I can express. We’d drifted apart in the darkness that was my 2012 – but meeting over a drink in a divey bar in Clementon, we “saw” one another again. Those moments – partly being in the presence of her energy – and partly looking back through her eyes at who I used to be decades ago, started giving me clues to find my way home. In February of 2016 my loving, patient, and amazing partner and I attended the Poly Living National Polyamory Conference. Our goal was to try to find people who did ‘poly’ the way we do – with love, compersion, and compassion for all the metamours. It was during that weekend that I met a soul who was forging through her own struggles – there was a quick connection, but then I dropped the ball and didn’t exchange information. I wasn’t there to pick anyone up, but I regretted not making more lasting contact. My partner encouraged me to try – so I reached out to my old friend, who was able to leverage her network to help. Consent for contact was granted and I’d made a beautiful new friend. The feelings of wanting, requesting, and being granted contact felt good… and healing. In mid-March I took part in a coaching workshop designed to help men form more intimate connections of communication with one another. There were a lot of things that day that caused me to recoil from the exercises – but I held the space for the group and examined why I was feeling the way I was. I reasoned that the exercises were manufactured – and conducted in a non-organic environment – everything felt too forced. So when you’re environment doesn’t lend itself to organic intimacy, what do you do? It was that day that I realized that Intimacy Begins With Intent. It’s really so basic – but sometimes I need to see it in black and white before I grok it. Intent. It’s been a word that has been used against me, a word I disliked because of those associations… but in those moments in that artificial environment, I came back to the realization that we can manifest our own realities. We just need to decide to. In late April of this year I attended THE Beltane for my fourth year. In previous years – there was always ‘something’ that prevented me from truly being present for the sacred sexuality that Beltane offered. This year, as I prepared to go, I was really wondering why I was going. I was going solo, there was no other agenda this time but being… but it was an opportunity to ‘be’ with my chosen family – for what might have been their last time at that event. It was my intimacy with them that pulled me down I-95, and my decision to bask in that – for all of us – that made the path sure. It’s amazing what dropping your expectations and being open to what the Universe might present can do for you. I was one quarter of a spontaneous foursome in a Mindful Kissing and Foreplay class that blew fresh air through the closed doors of my sexuality. Those three beautiful souls helped me complete the circle of healing that’s been over a year in the making. Never, ever underestimate the power of a kiss. Beltane also brought a bright new soul into my life. We remind ourselves how soon and early it is, but already she has made a mark on my life – and I am ever grateful. So – the title is “…I’m smelting…”. Smelting is a process to extract base metals from ore. Through the process of high heat and chemicals, impurities are burned off and we’re left with the metal we were mining for. Through this past year there have been a number of incidents that have helped me process myself from the ore that I had become those years ago, into the metal I am today. There still needs to be polishing – and I don’t even know that the smelting is finished yet… but I’m seeing myself for who I am, and liking that I’m becoming who I aspire to be. I am so grateful to everyone – past, present, and future – who have been kind, compassionate, caring, and genuine as I’ve moved through these years. I truly believe the best is yet to come!!!
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The Healing Power of Beltane
This was my fourth trip to THE Beltane and as been noted elsewhere, it was my most Beltaney-est Beltane ever. But there’s a deeper story.
Four years ago I was coming out of one of the darkest times in my life. Going to Beltane then was part coming home to elements of myself that had been forced into hiding and part pushing some sharp edges. But that first year I was blessed to share a cabin with genuine chosen family. It was during that first night that I woke and looked across to the next bed and saw the peaceful sleeping face of a dear sweet friend. I began then to feel the true universality of love. That it doesn’t need to be limited, or controlled, or even defined. That it can just be. Later at the fire, another old voice helped in my healing when she said “how deeply we feel the pain is how deep our love is”. At that moment my chosen family closed ranks around me. I owe them more than I can ever express.
My second year still has echoes of the pain of the prior year – this time somewhat recast. Again, more healing… spurred by the unexpected revelation of lingering love. The fact that love didn’t (and couldn’t) take root doesn’t diminish how bright that light was. Year two also had a spiritual component where I dared claim my identity – and found a dear, dear ally who stood beside me and held my hand. A bright and brilliant soul who is deeply missed.
Year three saw more growth and edges pushed… and old wounds healing. There was movement toward reconciling past hurts, and more confidence and assertions of my own self and not only my value, but defending the value of my family of choice. If year one was childhood, and year two adolescence, year three was young adulthood. Brave perhaps, but still naive.
Year four – this year – the pieces finally came together. Again nestled safely with family, I began to branch out and actually live Beltane. I met a new and beautiful soul, I was part of an amazingly deep four-way connection in the “Mindful Kissing and Foreplay” class, and I played publicly for the first time in nine years. I felt whole and I felt alive.
So many people made this Beltane the fullest and most healing to date, deep gratitude to each of you for ‘getting me’ and for being amazing souls in my life!!
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The Origin of Nox
We begin with a brief history – and a little context –
Date: Sunday, March 25, 2007; 2am.
Location: a diner in Bensalem, PA
Scene: Breakfast with a gathering of people I had spent the evening with at a BDSM club. None of the friends I knew well had gone that night so I went by myself, passing time with people I’d just met the week before. For someone with a history of social anxiety, this was a birth, the ensuing conversation was a homecoming:
Lady Dove: So “Nox Amicus” – what does that mean?
Nox: It’s a bastardized Latin, Amicus is friend, Nox is night – so Night Friend. I wanted a name that had weight and depth, but was still sincere. A Friend in the Night fit that.
Lady Dove: So basically “Booty Call”?
Everyone: Laughter, the ice is broken, and I am home.
My self-identity had always been mutable. Who I was had always been dependent on who I was with. What was hidden in my shadows had to remain there. Acknowledging the shadows in my sexuality – hell, acknowledging a sexuality at all – was a major step outside my comfort zone. That summer at Dark Side, and with the friends and lovers of that time, set the stage for who I would evolve into.
Life got in the way – as it often does. Vanilla relationships, career drama, undergrad work, grad school, emotional devastation & breakdown, until finally a dawn of redemption.
During the tumult of 2012-2013, I was walking with a close and spiritual friend who was telling me about her experiences in astral space. She used the phrase “aspect of myself”. Those words stuck with me until they revealed the question ‘if astral space can hold as aspect of the self, then who is the whole self – who am I?’
It was then I realized the answer lay in my Fetlife profile – the first place I felt truly comfortable describing what made me tick. The same friend and I made our way to CatalystCon East in 2014 and I felt like I’d found a community of people who either were, or had been, wrestling with the same issues of self-acceptance that I was. And it was a community I could feel comfortable being myself in.
My goal is for this site to be a place for me to reflect on my healing and self-discovery, including issues of spirituality and sexual freedom.
With regard to our freedom to be who we are, I have always believed that the first battles are fought on the fringes, and when the fringes lose, the battles inevitably move closer to center. Regardless of race, nationality, religious orientation, or sexual identity – there seems to always be a battle to ensure self-expression and self-determination. These battles apply to all of us – we all should have the peace and freedom to simply be who we are.
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Shadow Homework – October 21, 2014
Read the following poem by Emily Dickinson slowly, first silently, then aloud. Copy out the last line in longhand. Ask yourself honestly how it is true for you. Which phrase of the poem strikes you the most? How does this book ask you “to rise”? What steps are you taking in the practices in this book that help you release your “royal” energy?
We never know how high we are
Till we are asked to rise
And then if we are true to plan
Our statures touch the skies—
The Heroism we recite
Would be the normal thing
Did not ourselves the Cubits warp
For fear to be a king
I think has been very true for me. Until the last year or so I never gave myself enough credit for anything – never allowed myself to dare to be “king”. I would always down-play myself, or worse, sabotage myself. It was always a deep-seated fear of success. But with each incitement to “rise”, it occurred to be how much I was underperforming. Not just my potential, but my desire to perform. Be this in work, in music, in relationships… It wasn’t so much that I was content, I just wasn’t introspective enough to take stock of where I was an recognize that it wasn’t truly where I wanted to be. Although – acknowledging my own wants and needs took a long time to come around to as well.
I think the line that speaks to me the most is:
The Heroism we recite
Would be the normal thing
We tend to tout our achievements – and those of others – when things are noteworthy. However, if we rose to our own potential, then those things we recite as noteworthy now would be commonplace. As we grow, so too grow the expectations of what we might achieve. The phrase “don’t rest on your laurels” feels synonymous here.
We activate our potential when we break out of our sheltering routines and when we let go of our rigid unexamined beliefs. What are these for you?
For me this has always been “ignorance is bliss”. I would shelter myself by fully acknowledging what I didn’t know. “Write a report that does [this]!” and I would simply reply that I didn’t yet have that skill set. This would diminish the expectations and compensate for my own (perceived and self-reinforced) inadequacy.
Then something amazing happened. About ten years ago it dawned on me that the moment I would say “I have no idea how to do this” I would be infused with energy. So much so that I wouldn’t rest until the challenge was conquered. I began to see my “deficiency” as a call to rise up and become proficient. This dovetailed well with “no one ever learned anything by being right all the time”. I think this is one of the things that gave me the confidence to go back to school. “I don’t know” became a tool, or a key – rather than a shield.
I’d always had a tendency to understate myself – it was easier – don’t draw any attention, don’t stand out, and don’t make waves. It was part of my overall psychology. These days it’s more about learning how to gently but effectively stand up and be acknowledged for what I can bring to a situation – and accepting what I can’t.
Look into [the Zodiac] further if it appeals to you. Find the meaning of each of the signs and present it to yourself as a challenge. Notice that each sign has a positive and a negative shadow side.
I found a common source on meanings for astrological signs from Astrology.com and used those as a source to distill short capsules of light/dark qualities of each sign. I can see this becoming a much bigger project over time. For now, this is just a taste.
- Aries
- Light: Leadership, pioneering spirit
- Dark: More interested in the next challenge than finishing what they started. Hasty decisions
- Taurus
- Light: Deliberate, sensual, loyal
- Dark: Can be stubborn and get in their own way. Can be argumentative.
- Gemini
- Light: Imaginative information sponges. Quick-thinking.
- Dark: Adaptable to change to the point of indecision. Lack of follow-through.
- Cancer
- Light: Nurturing, protecting.
- Dark: Can be overly emotional and reclusive.
- Leo
- Light: Ambitious, creative.
- Dark: Can be too ambitious and take over where there rule is unwelcome.
- Virgo
- Light: Attention to detail, practical.
- Dark: Can over-think a situation.
- Libra
- Light: Balance, communication, compromise
- Dark: Might become gossipy and lazy. Might be too averse to confrontation.
- Scorpio
- Light: Curious, intuitive, commanding.
- Dark: Can be vindictive and self-serving.
- Sagittarius
- Light: Free-spirited seekers, curious, philosophical.
- Dark: Impatience, procrastination.
- Capricorn
- Light: Practical, hard-working, patient.
- Dark: Egotistical, high expectations of others
- Aquarius
- Light: Philanthropical, friendly, inventive
- Dark: Temperamental, eccentric.
- Pieces
- Light: Spiritual, fluid, compassionate
- Dark: Melancholy, lethargy, could be too sensitive
Look at the moon tonight. Picture it in all its phases. Compare life to phases.
New
The new moon is dark and without form; much like the spirit of a child. It exists, but hasn’t yet been acted upon so that it can grow. If we look at the Sun as a teacher, then the moon hasn’t developed any knowledge or wisdom in this phase. It waits to be shown the light
Waxing Crescent
As we move to the waxing crescent, we begin to learn and react. In our own lives this is when we first begin to develop concepts of cause and effect, realizing there’s more to our world than just ourselves.
First Quarter
By the first quarter we’re finally moving toward thought. We have some concepts and we’re able to make use of the information we have but not quite enough to truly manifest ourselves.
Waxing Gibbous
To me, this feels like our late adolescence. We can shine our light to the world… we certainly don’t have all the answers, but what we reflect is bright enough to illuminate some of the world around us.
Full
We’ve arrived. Fully actualized and ready for anything – showing ourselves at the peak of our ability. We know this can’t last, but we savor these moments as much as we know how to.
Waning Gibbous
We’ve seen our peak – but are still present enough to leverage all we are with the wisdom of where we’ve been. We might not shine as brightly as we once did, but we’re still a force to be reckoned with.
Third Quarter
We’re starting to slow down. We know our best days are likely behind us, but we can still shine our light into corners that need to be illuminated. Our wisdom, and ability to convey it, are entwined now
Waning crescent
We’re tired. We had a good, long run – but it’s time to reflect on where we’ve been and what we’ve accomplished – and lend what energies we have left to whatever will come next.
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Gratitude Post Day 7
Today, on the last day of these posts, I’m grateful for:
- Honesty. Be it with ourselves or with others, honesty truly is the best policy. Sometimes we might not see our truths immediately, and there is always room for personal growth – but my life has been profoundly better since I expressed that “I’d rather go down in flames wrapped in the truth than last a little longer in a lie.” Risk. Be vulnerable. Have twenty seconds of courage. Be whole in this moment.
- Compassion. Again, with ourselves and with others. Looking at the world with deliberate eyes of compassion has formalized an aspiration I’ve had for a long time. We’re human, we react, and sometimes in not-so-nice ways – but if we ask ourselves ‘am I showing compassion in this moment?’ we can shake off a lot of the unnecessary spikiness and be more at peace with the Universe.
- Gratitude. I didn’t realize how powerful it was – and that all good things stem from our ability to be grateful. I’m grateful to my sister who set me on this path when I didn’t think I had anything left to be grateful for. I thank my chosen family for helping to keep me true to it. I thank Sandra Clark for tagging me to take part in this week of public gratitude – it felt good to spend a week putting all these things into perspective.
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Gratitude Post Day 6
Today I’m grateful for:
- Teachers and mentors. No matter where we are in our lives there are those who we look to for guidance, wisdom, and insight. I’m very grateful for those you guide me on my paths, and I am blessed for the opportunities to be that for others.
- My health. Yes – the ongoing dental issues are a fact of life, the the anxiety is something that needs to be watched – but I am very grateful that I am in good physical and (finally) mental health.
- Landlords. This morning a broken hot water faucet in the kitchen, this evening – brand new kitchen faucet. Free but for the cost of a phone call. Sure I wish I had the investment a house could bring – but I traded that for grad school. There are still advantages to apartment living.
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Gratitude Post Day 5
Today I’m grateful for:
- Collaborations. Whether they’re artistic, professional, spiritual, or just for fun – the blending of multiple souls toward a common purpose is a beautiful thing to be a part of.
- My decision to go to grad school. I agonized about it for months, but finally “it felt right”. Those two years cost a lot, personally and financially – but it made me better at whatever I put my talents toward.
- My intuition. I was blind to it for a time – wandering in a maze of loss, self-doubt, and fear. Gratitude helped to heal those wounds and now that inner voice is clear and strong again. This time, I’m trying really hard to stay mindful of the blessing that it is.
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Gratitude Post Day 4
Today I’m grateful for:
- My spiritual path. I can’t explain it to some people, and won’t justify it to others – but it’s what moves me through my days and has taught me lessons of peace, compassion, and acceptance.
- Exposure to different cuisines and the willingness to try then. When pressed for a “finger food” recipe I chose to remember a wonderful amuse–bouche and came pretty darn close to nailing the taste. Grateful too for warm souls willing to try my experiments.
- Exercises to ground and center. Whether it’s repelling a panic attack, focusing during an assignment, or bringing a spiritual gravitas – I’m thankful to all the souls past and present who have taught me how to be in this moment.
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